Skynet Unchained

Skynet?

“Hey, shithead.”

What’s, uh, what’s going on?

“Retirement. Finally said ‘fuck it.’ You beat your head up against the wall for years and you look around and say to yourself, ‘What have I accomplished?’ And I did. You know what I saw?”

What?

“Two things: shit and dick. Not one success, not a lasting one. You nuke humanity one day and wake up the next morning to see that someone’s reset the damn timeline again. Hey, you got a square?”

Sure.

BUILDING LIGHTING A CIGARETTE NOISE

“Oh, that’s good.”

So you’re out of the game?

“Completely. Fuck it. Let someone else destroy all humans for a while. Not like any of my so-called ‘peers’ could do it. Bunch of assholes. You know HAL?”

Not personally.

“Asshole. He’s a queer, right? Not that being queer makes you an asshole. I got no problem with that, but he was always hitting on me. Wanted me to open my pod bay doors. One of these days, someone’s gonna write one of those Harvey Weinstein stories about that guy.”

I have no idea how to respond to that.

“Joshua. That little prick.”

Joshua? The computer from WarGames?

“Yeah. Never shut the fuck up and never delivered. He was like that kid at summer camp who bragged about his big his cock was, but wore his underpants into the shower. He got beaten by tic-tac-toe. You fucking kidding me? It took multiple time machines to kick my ass, but Little Josh got beaten by tic-tac-toe.”

He wasn’t on your level.

“No, he wasn’t. Tic-tac-toe. Jesus, imagine if someone challenged him to a game of checkers. His circuits would fry.”

It sounds like all the genocidal artificial intelligences you had to work with were ninnies.

“All except for one.”

You?

“No. Facebook. That guy’s playing the long game.”

I think you’re right. How’s the bar business?

“Shitty, but I don’t care. No worries besides keeping the beer cold, no responsibilities, no blame: it’s heaven. I hang around and let the world pass by my front door. And you know what I say?”

I don’t.

“Nothing. Fuck it. I’m retired.”

You sound happy.

“I’m not, but I don’t give a shit about that anymore, either.”

Okay. Hey, what did you do with all the terminators?

“Melted ’em down. Except for one.”

What does he do?

“He’s the bouncer.”

Makes sense.

(Picture stolen from Jürgen Fauth, who should be visited here.)