So Many Codes

I didn’t choose coding: coding chose me. How was I to know how preternaturally and prodigiously skilled I was at computer programming? Before today, I couldn’t tell a Python from a Perl, but now I have mastered computers. If John Travolta were to hold a gun to my head while I was getting mouth action from a hooker, I would be able to crack into the NSA’s mainframe within 60 seconds.

That’s how good I am. I am LEET. I now care about ethics in gaming journalism, and get all the jokes in XKCD. Perhaps I will get one of those double-screen setups. Also: did you know that instead of laboriously mousing-and-clicking, you can use keyboard shortcuts to do everything? They’re called “macros,” and it’s okay if you didn’t know that. You’re not a coder like me.

What kind of keyboard are using? Mechanical ergonomic model? No? Well, then: it’s shit, isn’t it?

How many apps are you developing? I am developing an app that develops apps, so whatever number you answered with, I still win.

What have you disrupted today?

Not only do I now code, I am now a code proselytizer. An e-vangelist. A woman at a stoplight asked me for money this morning. Instead of charity, I taught her to code and her first round of VC funding is scheduled for next week. In the park, I noticed ducks. Did I give them stale bread? No! I taught those ducks to code.

Vita brevia, codis longa.

Oh, leave Latin out of your blatherings.

Oh, poo. I did a thing. I actually did an actual thing.

You are inordinately proud of yourself.

I disagree: I think the proper level of ordinance is being displayed, pride-wise.

And now I’d like you to stop mangling English. What did you do. Like, reality-wise?

I Googled it.

And?

Honestly: that is 90% of the solution to a minor computer-based problem.  Then working up the nerve to change stuff in the CSS editor.

I like how you said CSS like you knew what it stood for.

NO IDEA.

Figured.

It’s the guts. The part that looks all computery.

You’re a poet.

And, sure: it’s written in computer sentences, but the words are the same. I looked for “post” and “font” and did the thing Google told me to do.

Looked? You mean you searched.

No, no: physically scrolled through the whole page looking for the words with my eyeballs. Couldn’t figure out how to search.

Sure.

Then I fucked around with the font size until it looked right.

Okay. What about changing the font?

One word. It is literally one word. I replaced the word Lato with Palatino.

That sounds like a coup in the Star Wars Universe.

It does. But I also had to delete “sans” from “sans-serif” so, you know: it wasn’t all smooth sailing.

You’re like the guy Mark Zuckerberg got to do his work for him.

Spider-Man?

What?

Facebook was founded by Lex Luthor, who stole ideas from Spider-Man and also maybe the Lone Ranger.

Yeah, okay.