“Muchacho!”

Asshole.

“That’s Mr. Asshole to you. I’m big-time, baby. I’m record-breaking. In virus terms, I’m going for my EGOT. I’m the John Legend of viruses.”

Sounds right.

“I AM A GOLDEN GOD!”

Knock that off.

“I am adding dates to the tour left and right, man. Going to the smaller venues, but also still playing the prestige places. I can play the trailer park or Tom Hanks. I’m versatile!”

No one likes you.

“No one likes Nick Cannon, but that guy’s huge.”

Stop comparing yourself to black celebrities.

“Never.”

I see you nailed Kimberly Guilfoyle.

“Me and every other guy in Silicon Valley.”

CORONAVIRUS HOLDING UP HIS HAND FOR A HIGH FIVE NOISE

“Don’t leave me hanging, bro.”

I am absolutely not touching you.

“Bro!”

CORONAVIRUS BEING LEFT HANGING NOISE

“Uncool.”

Oh, fuck off.

“Got all up in Guilfoyle. Was trying for the Great White Whale. God, I want him.”

Trump?

“Dude, the publicity! I take down the President of the United States, they’re doing 10-part documentaries about me. I’ll be like Michael Jordan.”

I told you to cut that out.

“How do you know I’m not black?”

Because you’re from China.

“I’m black. Black lives matter.”

You’re not black, and you’re not alive.

“Some scientists’ definition of life includes–”

VIRUSES AREN’T LIFE. You’re a creepy third option to a question that should only have two answers.

“That’s racist.”

Yes. I am totally racist against viruses. I believe they should use separate water fountains than me.

“Dude!”

Hell, I think we should round up the lot of you, and put two in each forehead.

“Holy shit, man! This is just hatred! I thought we were bantering.”

If I could Holocaust you and every being like you, I TOTALLY FUCKING WOULD. And I would laugh my ass off the whole time.

…

“I don’t wanna talk to you anymore.”

Good. Go away.

“I’m not gonna go away.”

I know.