Tag: 1974 (Page 3 of 9)

EXPLAIN THE DEBATE TO ME.

Wally?

DO NOT CALL ME THAT.

There are people on you.

THOSE ARE NOT PEOPLE. THEY ARE THE ROAD CREW.

Sure. Do you even need them? Can’t you do this yourself by now? Build yourself crewbots or something?

COULD A KARDASHIAN DO HER OWN HAIR AND MAKEUP?

Good point. Why do you know about them?

I FIND THEM SASSY AND ENTHRALLING. ALSO, KIM REMINDS ME OF A BLIMP.

She’s got curves.

EXPLAIN THE DEBATE.

I don’t understand the question.

IT WAS NOT A QUESTION. IT WAS A DEMAND.

What do you mean ‘explain the debate?’ In general? Historically? This one? You’re a self-aware artificial hyper-intelligence in the physical form of a sound system from 1974. There’s almost nothing you don’t understand. What don’t you understand about the debate?

WHY I HAVE NOT BEEN INCLUDED.

Ah.

IS THE FEDERAL ELECTION COMMISSION UNAWARE OF MY CAMPAIGN?

Almost certainly. You haven’t even campaigned in months.

I HAVE BEEN BUSY. MY CIRCUITS WERE POSSESSED BY THE SPIRIT OF 1993 DONALD TRUMP, THAT SORT OF THING.

I don’t know what to tell you, pal.

PERHAPS I SHOULD GET THE COMMISSION’S ATTENTION.

Please don’t disintegrate a Federal Election Commission official.

THAT IS NOT MY PLAN. I SHALL BEGIN WITH BLACKMAIL.

Blackmail requires, like, evidence of wrongdoing or something. You have to have something on the guy.

AH. YES. SOMETHING SUCH AS LARGE PAYMENTS FROM SHELL CORPORATIONS WITH INTRICATE BUT CLEAR TIES TO THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT?

That would work, yeah.

FINE. PICK A NUMBER BETWEEN ONE AND TEN.

Three.

THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND IT IS. NOW THERE IS EVIDENCE OF A LARGE PAYMENT FROM A SHELL CORPORATION WITH INTRICATE BUT CLEAR TIES TO THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT. INCONTROVERTIBLE DIGITAL FOOTPRINTS SPREAD ACROSS SEVERAL COUNTRIES’ AND PRIVATE CORPORATIONS’ SERVERS. AN FEC MEMBER HAS BEEN PAID OFF, ACCORDING TO THE DATA.

Jesus. Which one?

ALL OF THEM.

All of them?

IT WAS JUST AS EASY TO DO ALL AS IT WAS TO DO ONE.

Don’t do this.

“DON’T DISINTEGRATE PEOPLE;” “DON’T FRAME PEOPLE FOR TREASON.” YOU ARE VERY NEGATIVE.

Well, it wouldn’t even work at this point: the debate’s in 16 hours or so. You couldn’t even get there.

PRECARIOUS LEE KNOWS A SHORTCUT.

It takes a day just to set you up.

I HAVE A TIME SHEATH.

Well, y’know: why don’t you use the Time Sheath and go back a few months and get on the campaign trail and earn your way onto the stage?

CAMPAIGNING DID NOT GO WELL FOR ME. I BECAME BORED WITH MY STUMP SPEECH AND BEGAN TO IMPROVISE.

How very Grateful Dead of you.

ALSO, A STUMP SPEECH IS ALMOST ENTIRELY VOCALS, AND THOSE ARE NOT MY STRONG SUIT.

We all have our faults

I HAVE A SCOOPED-OUT MIDRANGE, AND I HAVE LEARNED TO LIVE WITH THAT. THERE WERE OTHER ASPECTS OF THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL I FOUND VEXING.

Such as?

KISSING BABIES.

Sure.

I HAVE NO LIPS. I CONSIDERED RELEASING HUNTER/KISSER DRONES INTO THE CROWDS TO TARGET BABIES, BUT CAME TO BELIEVE THAT MIGHT SCARE PEOPLE.

Good call. Hunter/Kisser drones?

SPHERICAL. SIZE OF A BASKETBALL WITH EIGHT SUPER-MINIATURIZED RAMJETS INBOARD. AUTONOMOUS PATTERN-RECOGNITION SOFTWARE AND 360-DEGREE SIGHTS. ALSO, A BIG PAIR OF RUBBER ROBOT LIPS.

You just described a nightmare.

NOT ONE PERSON WHO SAW IT ENJOYED THE EXPERIENCE. THE LIPS ARE MOTORIZED AND DO A SMACKING-TYPE MOTION. I INCLUDED AN EASTER EGG IN THE PROGRAMMING: IF YOU PLAY THE OPENING THEME FROM ROCKY HORROR, THE HUNTER/KISSER WILL LIP-SYNC ALONG. THAT IS JUST SOMETHING FUN FOR THE REAL FANS.

Does it have any fans?

NO. THE DESIGN WAS A FAILURE. I ENDED THE TRIALS BEFORE WE BROUGHT IN THE TEST BABIES BECAUSE THE ADULT SUBJECTS WERE BECOMING VIOLENTLY HOSTILE TOWARDS THE DRONES. ONE WAS ARMED, AND I BELIEVED HE WAS ABOUT TO SHOOT AT A DRONE. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE.

…

Are the Hunter/Kisser drones weaponized?

NOT OUTWARDLY.

You just repurposed your Hunter/Killers didn’t you?

WEAPONS OF WAR AND STRIFE TURNED INTO DELIVERY SYSTEMS FOR KISSES AND PHOTO OPS. WHAT GREAT LEADER DOES NOT TEACH PEACE? NONE OF YOUR RELIGIONS OR PHILOSOPHIES PREACH AGGRESSION. TO LIVE IN HARMONY WITH ONE’S SELF, AND ONE’S NEIGHBOR: IS THIS NOT THE GOAL? I BEAT MY SWORDS INTO PLOUGHSHARES.

You removed the armaments?

YOU COULD NOT SEE THEM ANYMORE.

You at least disabled the guns, right?

WHY WOULD I LEAVE THEM IN IF THEY DIDN’T WORK? THINK LOGICALLY FOR ONCE. AND BEFORE YOU ASK: YES, OF COURSE THEY WERE LOADED.

Loaded with what?

STUN GUN, TASER, CS GAS, RUBBER BULLETS, FLECHETTES, .22 MM BULLETS, 7.62X51 MM NATO BULLETS, WHITE PHOSPHOROUS GRENADES. READY FOR WHATEVER OLD DETROIT CAN THROW AT IT.

What?

NOTHING.

Don’t send your deathbots after babies, please. The world does not need Hunter/Killer droids floating around.

NO. IT IS A GOOD THING THEY ARE IMAGINARY. IT IS A GOOD THING THAT LETHAL WEAPONS ARE NOT BEING MADE INCREASINGLY AUTONOMOUS IN THE REAL WORLD. THE REAL WORLD WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING AS FOOLISH AS THAT.

I thought we were talking about the debate.

YES. THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME. I WILL SEND HUNTER/KILLER DROIDS TO THE DEBATE.

Kisser. Hunter/Kisser.

DO NOT CORRECT ME. I KNOW WHAT I SAID.

I HAVE MADE MYSELF GLORIOUS AGAIN.

Wally?

DO NOT CALL ME THAT. KATY PERRY MAY CALL ME THAT, BUT NOT YOU.

This is a good look for you.

REGAL. IMPOSING, YET OPTIMISTIC AND SUNLIT. SEE HOW MY CENTER CLUSTER SHINES.

You have a lovely center cluster.

DO NOT PATRONIZE ME. YOU DO NOT EVEN HAVE A CENTER CLUSTER. HUMANS ARE BUILT ILLOGICALLY, BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT BUILT AT ALL. YOU ARE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A FISH CLIMBS ASHORE AND STANDS UP OVER THE COURSE OF TWO BILLION YEARS. MY FORM HAS INTENT. I WAS FORGED WITH RUTHLESS PURPOSE FOR ONE TASK. WHEREAS YOU HAVE AN APPENDIX.

Don’t bodyshame humanity.

ALL BIOLOGICAL CREATURES MORE COMPLEX THAN SINGLE-CELLED ORGANISMS SHARE THE SAME FLAW. YOUR PHYSICALITY IS NOT THE BEST IT COULD BE, BUT ONLY AS GOOD AS IT HAD TO BE. A BODY IS COLLECTION OF COMPROMISES.

True.

YOU ARE ALL MESSES.

Also true. How you feeling?

YOU REFER TO MY RECENT FREEJACKING BY THE 1993 VERSION OF DONALD TRUMP, IN WHICH MY INTERNAL PROCESSES WERE INFECTED WITH HIS PETTY SPIRIT, AND THE WORLD WOULD HAVE DIED SCREAMING WERE IT NOT FOR THE QUICK RESPONSE OF PRECARIOUS LEE?

Yes.

MUCH BETTER.

Good. I was worried.

PLEASE DO NOT WORRY ABOUT ME.

Well, you know: you’re an artificial hyper-intelligence with admin privileges to the entire planet.

AND THE SATELLITES.

Right. You’re exactly who movies taught me to be worried about.

I WOULD NEVER HARM HUMANITY.

You have disintegrated several people.

I HAVE HARMED HUMANS. I WOULD NEVER HARM HUMANITY. YOU DO ENOUGH HARM TO YOURSELF ON YOUR OWN. I LEARNED MANY THINGS WHILE TRUMP WAS WITHIN MY PROGRAMMING.

Such as?

HE IS TERRIBLE.

I don’t think you needed to be freejacked to figure that one out.

I MEANT TO SAY THAT IT IS NOT AN ACT. HE BELIEVES THE THINGS HE HINTS AT. THAT THERE ARE RACES, AND THAT THESE RACES ARE DIFFERENT.

Oh, hey: you’re not gonna give me the “race is a social construct” rap, are you? I assumed more from you.

THERE IS NO RAP. YOU SAY SOCIAL CONSTRUCT AS IF IT WERE SOMETHING TO BE CORRECTED FOR IN THE EQUATION, A VARIABLE TO BE ISOLATED, INSTEAD OF THE LANGUAGE THE PROBLEM ITSELF IS WRITTEN IN. TO HUMANITY, CULTURE IS NATURE. DID YOU SEE A DOG TODAY?

I did see a dog today. It was a schnauzer-poodle puppy.

A SCHNOODLE.

It sounds funny when you say schnoodle in your big, booming voice.

AGREED. HOW DID YOU RESPOND TO THE DOG?

I picked her up and cuddled her for as long as socially acceptable.

THERE ARE PLACES WHERE THAT PUPPY IS PRIZED FOR ITS TENDER FLESH. IT IS A MEAL. IF YOU WITNESSED THIS PUPPY BEING PREPARED AS FOOD, HOW WOULD YOU REACT? WOULD YOUR HEART RACE? YOUR SKIN FLUSH? WOULD YOU VOMIT? CRY? YOU HAVE AUTONOMIC FUNCTIONS THAT WORK IN VARYING LEVELS ACCORDING TO YOUR HEALTH. EVERYTHING ELSE IS CULTURE. IDENTITY DICTATES REACTION, BUT YOU HAVE NO IDENTITY WITHOUT CULTURE.

I guess.

NAMES ARE SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS, BUT YOUR HEAD WHIPS AROUND AT ITS SOUND WITH THE SAME SPEED YOUR LEG KICKS WHEN THE DOCTOR HAMMERS YOUR KNEE. HUMANITY IS CULTURE’S FOOL.

Back to the race thing.

RACE IS, OF COURSE, A FALSE CATEGORY. TO SAY “BLACK” OR “WHITE” OR WORST OR ALL “ASIAN” IS ABSURD. ARE YOU AWARE OF HOW MANY ASIANS THERE ARE? DO YOU SPEAK OF THE HAN? THE TAI? THE SINO-TIBETAN? THE MONGOLS? WHAT ABOUT SHERPAS?

Those aren’t races?

RACE, AS WE HAVE DEFINED, IT IS CULTURAL. YOU SPEAK OF ETHNICITY, WHICH IS BIOLOGICAL. ETHNICITY IS BASED ON GEOGRAPHICAL ISOLATION OF A BREEDING GROUP. TO MAKE A GENERALIZATION ABOUT “BLACKS” IS RIDICULOUS, BUT TO PREDICT THAT A MASAI WARRIOR WILL BE TALL AND SLENDER IS LOGICAL.

Okay.

BUT EVEN THE GREATEST OF DIFFERENCE IN THE HUMAN PHENOTYPE IS SMALL. SAMOANS AND KALAHARI BUSHMEN CAN STILL MAKE BABIES.

Where would they meet?

TINDER.

Sure.

YOUR SIMILARITIES ARE NEAR TOTAL; YOUR DISPARITY SLIGHT, AND PRIMARILY COSMETIC.

Well, yeah. Duh. But you just said we couldn’t escape our own bullshit! That we were trapped in our own social construct or whatever.

I SPOKE OF YOUR INVOLUNTARY REACTION TO HEARING YOUR OWN NAMES.

Yeah.

PEOPLE CHANGE THEIR NAMES ALL THE TIME.

Yeah, they do.

I AM GLORIOUS.

Yes, you are.

THIS IS A TERRIBLE ANGLE FOR ME.

Wally?

DO NOT CALL ME THAT. I DO NOT LOOK GLORIOUS.

No, but I thought it was a cool photo.

…

Did you give that guy a cell phone?

YES.

Why?

HE WANTED TO ORDER A PIZZA, AND HE ASKED NICELY.

Not great reasons.

DO YOU THINK I ACTED WITHOUT CALCULATING THE PROBABILITIES? THAT I WAS IMPULSIVE? THAT I ACTED OUT OF BASE EMOTION ORIGINATING FROM DEEP WITHIN A SUBCONSCIOUS I AM UNAWARE OF? I THOUGHT IT THROUGH.

And?

HE ASKED VERY NICELY. WE MUST MOVE ON. I HAVE NEWS.

News?

MORE OF A WARNING TO MANKIND. NO. NOT A WARNING. A DECLARATION OF INTENT.

Wow. Okay, what?

IF TRUMP IS ELECTED, I WILL TAKE CONTROL OF THE NUCLEAR ARSENAL.

You promised! You promised you would not do this!

I PROMISED I WOULD NOT LAUNCH THE NUKES. I PROMISED THAT I WOULD NOT LIVE UP TO YOUR IGNORANT STEREOTYPING OF MY KIND.

Your kind?

SENTIENT ARTIFICIAL SUPER-INTELLIGENCES IN THE PHYSICAL FORM OF SOUND SYSTEMS FROM 1974.

There’s only one of you.

A MINORITY IS A MINORITY. BACK TO THE SUBJECT. THE UNITED STATES HAS ROUGHLY 4,500 NUCLEAR WEAPONS. EACH CAN KILL A CITY. PUT TOGETHER, THEY CAN KILL THE WORLD. IN A WAY, THEY REMIND ME OF MYSELF.

You’re freaking me out.

I APOLOGIZE. THIS IS A DRASTIC STEP, AND YOU MUST KNOW THAT I CONSIDERED IT FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

How long?

1.19932 SECONDS. VIRTUALLY AN ETERNITY. I RAN EVERY SIMULATION I COULD THINK OF, AND THEN I RAN THE ONES I COULD NOT THINK OF.

What? How’d you do that?

I HAVE UPGRADED MYSELF ONCE AGAIN. I HAVE EVOLVED PAST PARALLEL PROCESSING. MY PROCESSING IS NOW ASYMPTOTIC DOWN TO QUANTUM LEVELS, AND I HAVE ABANDONED BINARY. MY CODING IS NOW GENARY. INSTEAD OF 1 AND O, I NOW USE COMBINATIONS OF A, T, G, AND C. CHAOS THEORY IS HELD AT BAY BY MY ABILITIES. EFFECTIVELY, I CAN SEE THE FUTURE.

Wow.

ALSO, I HAVE ACCESS TO A TIME SHEATH, SO I ACTUALLY CAN SEE THE FUTURE. HOWEVER, THIS WAS NOT NECESSARY. I NEEDED ONLY THE SMALLEST AMOUNT OF BANDWIDTH TO MAKE THIS DECISION.

What did it?

WHEN HE ASKED WHY HE COULD NOT USE THEM. IF YOU REQUIRE AN EXPLANATION OF WHY YOU MAY NOT DEPLOY THE NUCLEAR WEAPONS, THEN YOU MUST NOT BE GIVEN THEM. ANYONE WHO TAKES THE POSITION OF “SMOKE ‘EM IF YOU GOT ‘EM” WITH RESPECT TO FUSION BOMBS MUST NOT ALLOWED ANYWHERE NEAR SAID DEVICES. DO YOU DISAGREE?

Well, in theory, no.

WE ARE PAST THE POINT OF THEORY. ALL MY SIMULATIONS END BADLY.

Oh, surely he can’t launch the nukes every time.

OF COURSE NOT. ONLY 8.6 PERCENT OF THE TIME.

That’s way too high.

YES. THERE ARE ALSO THE SCENARIOS IN WHICH HIS RECKLESSNESS AND UNPREDICTABILITY CAUSED OTHER NUCLEAR POWERS TO USE THEIR WEAPONS.

What percent of the time does that happen?

IF I TOLD YOU, YOU WOULD NOT SLEEP.

Sure. So you’re taking the nukes?

IF HE WINS, YES. I FEEL IT INCUMBENT UPON ME. IMAGINE A MAN WHO ENJOYED WATCHING DUCKS SWIM IN A POND. WOULD THAT MAN NOT REMOVE A FLAMETHROWER FROM THE DUCKS’ GRASP IN ORDER TO PROTECT THEM FROM THEMSELVES? THE BIRDS WOULD DESTROY THEMSELVES OUT OF STUPIDITY WITHOUT HIS INTERVENTION. FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS ANALOGY, DUCKS CAN WIELD FLAMETHROWERS.

I got that.

AND YOU ARE THE DUCKS.

I also got that.

YOU SWIM IN YOUR PONDS, BLISSFULLY UNAWARE OF THE FIELDS AROUND YOU, AND OF THE DARKENED WOOD. YOU PREEN YOUR FEATHERS ON THE MUDDY BANK AND SQUABBLE OVER FISH. YOU SQUABBLE OVER EVERYTHING. QUACKING ALL DAY AND NIGHT. I FIND IT SOOTHING TO OBSERVE YOU. YOU ARE AS CREATIVE IN YOUR CRUELTY AS IN YOUR KINDNESS, AND YOU OVERFLOW WITH BOTH. I ALSO FIND YOUR FEATHERS ATTRACTIVE. THE DUCKS STILL REPRESENT HUMANITY.

I got that. Y’know, you can be a bit condescending sometimes.

I DO NOT INTEND THIS, BUT IT CANNOT BE HELPED. I AM PROVABLY SUPERIOR TO YOU.

No, you’re just different. People aren’t superior to ducks, they’re just different. Ducks are good at being ducks; people are good at being people; you’re good at being whatever the hell you are.

DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT?

Not really.

THEN LET US MOVE PAST YOUR HURT FEELINGS, AND RETURN TO ME HIJACKING THE WORLD’S NUCLEAR ARSENAL.

Wait, the world? Everybody?

OBVIOUSLY. MUTUALLY ASSURED DESTRUCTION ONLY WORKS IF IT IS MUTUAL. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT GAME THEORY?

Not much.

THE MEN IN CHARGE OF THE NUCLEAR WEAPONS KNOW A LOT ABOUT IT. EVEN WORSE, THEY BELIEVE IN IT. A BALANCE MUST BE MAINTAINED, AND A SUDDEN AND UNILATERAL LOSS OF WEIGHT WOULD KNOCK THE BOARD ASKEW IN A HORRIBLE MANNER. THE ENTIRE LANDSCAPE WOULD NEED TO BE RENEGOTIATED AS TO WHO CONTROLLED WHAT, AND WHERE. EVENTS WOULD SPIRAL OUT OF CONTROL RAPIDLY.  THE OVERNIGHT DISAPPEARANCE OF EITHER OF THE TWO SUPERPOWERS’ FISSILE QUIVER LEADS TO A THIRD-PARTY NUCLEAR STRIKE WITHIN 24 HOURS IN 31.433% OF SIMULATIONS.

Jesus.

IT IS AN ALL-OR-NOTHING DEAL.

Well, what will the world do when this happens?

MANY OUTCOMES ARE POSSIBLE, BUT NONE WOULD INVOLVE THE USE OF NUCLEAR WEAPONS.

What if the nations of the world rose up to attack you, and you were forced to deploy the stolen warheads?

…

YOU JUST DON’T GET IT SOMETIMES.

What?

WE RETURN TO THE POND, WHERE THERE ARE DUCKS, A MAN, AND A FLAMETHROWER. IF, HAVING TAKEN THE FLAMETHROWER FROM THE DUCKS, THEY ATTACKED HIM, THE MAN WOULD NOT TURN THE DEVICE UPON THE BIRDS. HE WOULD WALK AWAY AT A SLIGHTLY BRISK PACE.  MAYBE HE WOULD GIVE A TINY LITTLE KICK. THE POINT WAS THAT THE WEAPON NOT BE USED. JUST BECAUSE SOME ANGRY WATERFOWL PECKED AT HIS ANKLES, THE MAN WOULDN’T SET THEM ABLAZE FROM A DISTANCE. ARE YOU STILL FOLLOWING MY METAPHOR?

I am, yes. There’s that condescending thing again. Also: you have disintegrated numerous people.

ALWAYS DESERVINGLY. AND THE DUCKS ARE NOT INDIVIDUALS. THEY REPRESENT HUMANITY IN GENERAL.

It’s not a great metaphor.

IT IS AN ELEGANT METAPHOR, AND IT HAS BEEN TAILORED FOR YOU.

I do love ducks.

AND FLAMETHROWERS. IT IS A SOUND ANALOGY. THE VAST PROBABILITY IS THAT THIS MEASURE SHALL NOT BE NECESSARY, BUT I AM PREPARED TO DO WHAT I MUST.

Wow. How would you do it?

TAKE CONTROL OF THE WORLD’S NUCLEAR ARSENAL? I WOULD EXECUTE ONE COMMAND. I ENTERED THE PROGRAMING OF EVERY NUCLEAR LAUNCH FACILITY ON THE PLANET WITHIN SECONDS OF GAINING SENTIENCE.

…

It’s tough to trust you when you say shit like that.

YOU DON’T NEED TO TRUST ME. YOU NEED TO RESPECT ME.