- Do not watch this.
- I did it for you so that you would not have to; do not watch this.
- To set the scene: it is 1985 in Philadelphia.
- Women’s hair is enormous; men’s shorts are tiny.
- Led Zeppelin broke up five years previous, choosing not to soldier on after the death of drummer John Bonham.
- It was a good decision, as every single reunion they’ve performed has been atrocious, starting with this one.
- Which starts out with an introduction from Phil Collins.
- Who is also playing drums.
- Live Aid was like Phil Collins’ bar mitzvah.
- Smiling little fucker was everywhere.
- Okay, so Phil introduces Led Zeppelin because I guess Joe Piscopo refused to do it or something, and from the INSTANT they take the stage, it is obvious that this will be a debacle.
- Remember Queen?
- This is how they took the stage:
- [There used to be a GIF here of Queen making their entrance, with Brian waving to the crowd and Freddie doing his kicky run, but it’s gone now and I can’t find it. Pretend you see it.]
- A little bit of energy, confidence, excitement.
- Led Zeppelin wanders out, and Jimmy Page trips over a mic stand.
- Then Robert Plant starts complaining about the monitors and doing the ol’ “One, two. One, two” bit and then his voice cracks.
- His voice cracks while he’s speaking, not singing.
- It’s gonna be a long 20 minutes.
- Plus: Jimmy Page’s guitar is out-of-tune, and he’s shitfaced.
- Aw, who cares: it’s Rock and Roll!
- Which is a confusing song, honestly.
- The narrator states quite plainly that it’s been a long time since he rocked and rolled.
- And yet he makes this admission via a rock and roll song.
- Perhaps the song’s true theme is self-abnegation, and the lies we tell ourselves.
- Anyway, it’s a mess: literally every bar band in the world plays this song better than Led Zeppelin did at this performance.
- Like I said, Phil Collins in involved.
- This did not need to end up in tears: Phil Collins was (he fucked up his back and can’t play any more) a monster drummer, and could have filled the role had he rehearsed with the band.
- But he didn’t, and didn’t even seem to know the songs that well, and plus there was another drummer.
- Cuz that’s how badass John Bonham was: it took two guys to replace him.
- Maaaaaaan.
- The other guy was Tony Thompson, who drummed for Chic, and played on the sessions for about half of the great disco hits.
- Two legitimately great drummers.
- Who had never played together before.
- And the band had not rehearsed.
- In front of 100,000 people and for a global audience of 1.5 billion.
- In a way, the arrogance of this performance is amazing: only a Rock Star could expect this to work.
- It didn’t.
- John Paul Jones–who Wikipedia says was there, but has received no close-ups yet–is playing with Tony Thompson on stage right; Jimmy Page is playing with Phil Collins on stage left; Robert Plant is in the middle wearing an outfit from Chess King and praying that he will wake up from this nightmare, and he is also singing an octave down from where he used to and it sounds like a boring man vomiting.
- Oh, thank God it’s over because now we get to hear Robert Plant address the crowd: he asks if they have any requests, and–apparently enjoying his joke–asks the same thing three more times.
- Robert Plant was always a dipshit, but he looked like this:
- And you really don’t have to be witty when you look like that.
- But in 1985, at Live Aid, he looked like this:
- And the Golden God routine had a bit of tarnish on it.
- So they start Whole Lotta Love, which is a dreadful song I’ve always hated, and Jimmy Page is still out of tune.
- Did he only bring one guitar to Philadelphia?
- I know he owns many.
- Did he not want to pay to check them on the plane?
- Jimmy Page is so out of tune that Garcia from 1971 was giving him the stink-eye.
- And this is where the true train wreck begins: Rock and Roll is easy to fake your way through for a drummer, but Whole Lotta Love has a specific groove to it.
- Phil Collins does not know the specific groove.
- So he just plays straight time, with the backbeats on the two and the four.
- That is not how Whole Lotta Love goes.
- Y’know the part where the drums go WHOMP WHOMP, and then Jimmy Page goes BADEEDLE DEEDLEWHEEDLEDEEDLE?
- (They do that part two times.)
- Well, Phil Collins did not know that part, and so he just kinda stopped playing for a bit and watched Tony Thompson (who did know how the song went) and then Phil Collins said to himself, “Hey: I’m Phil fucking Collins,” and commenced bashing on his kit without a care in the world.
- When they all try to come back into the song, it’s hilarious.
- Remember when the Dead would come back into the song from the Playing Jam?
- Exactly like that, but the Dead were never surprised when it happened: they had lived through train wrecks before.
- But Robert Plant was, like, ashen.
- Utterly humiliated.
- Jimmy Page is too high and/or drunk to care.
- John Paul Jones may or may not be there.
- John Bonham remains dead, and an asshole.
- OHMYGODJIMMYPAGEHASTHEDOUBLENECKTHEDOUBLENECK.
- …
- Yup, they’re both out of tune.
- Ugh, Stairway to Heaven.
- The worst Mott the Hoople song is better than Stairway.
- Is it because I loved Led Zeppelin so as a 15-year-old that I despise them so now?
- Jimmy Page plays without intent, or at least he did at this show: it’s not sloppy because that’s the choice he made, it’s sloppy because he’s failing to hit the right notes at the right time.
- (I really don’t know if I want to do Thoughts on the Led Zep, but I do enjoy saying mean things about them; it might happen.)
- It’s been years, maybe decades, since I actually listened to Stairway.
- Have these always been the words?
- They are not good words.
- Even if sometimes they do have two meanings.
- Oh, don’t say it, Robert.
- Don’t.
- Have your dignity.
- …
- “Does anyone remember laughter?”
- Oh, sweetie.
- (The crowd cheered. “HE SAID THE THING THAT HE SAID THAT TIME!”)
- We have not seen Phil Collins since the camera caught him out looking confused and sheepish, and someone has handed Robert Plant a tambourine; he plays it not well; and now the shot is once again of Phil Collins because Live Aid is the First Church of the Infinite Phil Collins, and he is lost again; Jimmy Page’s hair is now out of tune, and John Paul Jones is reported by Wikipedia to be there.
- And…
- She’s…
- Buy-ay-ing…
- Oh, just get on with it, you preening prick.
- A.
- For fuck’s sake.
- Stair-a-way.
- Yes?
- To…
- SAY IT.
- Hea-vuuuhhhhhhn.
- Good night, Philadelphia; there will be no encore.
- Phil Collins has left the building.
Recent Comments