Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: alembic

Tryouts

Hey, Bobby. That was awfully nice of you the other day.

“Yeah, sure. Gave ya what the kids call a ‘shout-out.’ But, uh, I wasn’t actually shouting. I didn’t raise my voice at all.”

It’s a euphemism.

“It is, at that. I mean, I suppose you could yell.”

It’s allowed.

“I chose not to. I figured there were folks watching the stream who had dozed off in front of their screens, and why startle them? That’s rude.”

You’re known for your manners. What did you do to your knee?

“Well, you know American Ninja Warrior?”

Uh-huh. The obstacle course show on teevee.

“That one. I’ve kinda set my mind on appearing. Maybe they could do some sort of celebrity special. And so I set up some stuff in the backyard.”

Stuff?

“I made Matt Busch string some paracord between patio furniture.”

Gotcha.

“And, uh, I misjudged the chaise longue.”

You gotta be careful, Bobby. You’re not a kid anymore.

“But I have the core strength of five, maybe six kids. Big ones, too. Football players or whatever.”

Okay. What the hell guitar is that?

“This is Pretzel.”

Cool.

Phil In The Numbers

  1. Master volume.
  2. Master mass.
  3. Master density.
  4. Front pickup tone.
  5. Back pickup tone.
  6. Sirius/XM.
  7. Attitude adjustment (audio).
  8. Attitude adjustment (emotional).
  9. Pitch adjustment.
  10. Yaw adjustment.
  11. Mute knob. (It was explained to Phil over and over that “mute” was a binary concept, and therefore more suited to one of the many, many switches instead of the many, many knobs. In the end, the customer is always right. The knob is not hooked up to anything and Phil does not recall what it does and has lost the manual.)
  12. Discombobulater.
  13. Flugelhorn level.
  14. Zebrafication.
  15. Dimmer switch to the lights in Phil’s office. (“JIIIIIL! Come look what my bass can do!”)
  16. Bombasticism.
  17. Boominizing.
  18. Thunderociousness.
  19. Master volume to Bobby’s guitar (which Phil has not disconnected and in fact deliberately fiddles with during Dead & Company shows and giggles his ass off).
  20. Not actually a knob: disguised combination to a small safe secreted within the bass containing half-a-mil in uncut diamonds.
  21. Also not actually a knob: container for suicide pill in case Phil gets kidnapped by aliens in the middle of the show. (In his defense, that has happened before.)
  22. Also not a knob: thermostat to Terrapin Crossroads.
  23. REDACTED BY NSA.
  24. High-frequency filter.
  25. Low-frequency filter.
  26. Pool filter.
  27. When you go to TXR and the menu says “market price” for fish, this knob controls the market price.
  28. Stankiness.
  29. Phunkiness. (THE FOLLOWING NUMBERS ARE SWITCHES, BUT I CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE THIS ANNOUNCEMENT WITHOUT FUCKING UP THE NUMBERING, WHICH FOR SOME REASON IS IMPORTANT TO ME TO GET RIGHT. ALSO, I AM YELLING.)
  30. Master power.
  31. Master rig power.
  32. Master power for the ISS. (Phil’s 99% sure that’s Alembic’s idea of a  joke, but he still hasn’t touched it.)
  33. Front pickup on/off.
  34. Back pickup on/off.
  35. Bobby’s pickup on/off. (Phil feels guilty about doing it, and doubly so for laughing so hard, but he does it at least once a show: Phil watches the streams and sits there with his bass clicking Bob’s guitar on and off. Real quick, so he’ll be the only one who notices, and Bobby’s beard starts frowning and then Phil lets Baby Levon flick the switch once or twice. It’s a fun time for all ages.)
  36. Garage door opener.
  37. Panic button.
  38. Something to do with Twitter.
  39. Front-of-stage trapdoor, TXR.
  40. Main dressing room trapdoor, TXR.
  41. Bar trapdoor, TXR.
  42. Summons busboy with Arnold Palmer, TXR.
  43. Sidewinder missile launch.
  44. Automatically contributes via the Donate Button on the sidebar. (Thanks, Phil!)
  45. Overrides normal protocols to turn any night into Chimichanga Night.

Transitional Fossil

lucky number 13 garcia guitar

This is Lucky Number 13, the 13th guitar that Alembic made (was Peanut the first?), and the first one made to Garcia’s specs. It sold for 62 grand back in 2012, and its (comparatively) low cost can be explained by Garcia not playing it on stage. (Although he may have used this for a Jerry Band show; I don’t recall ever seeing a picture of him with it, though.)

Lucky’s definitely a Garcia guitar: look at all the bullshit! There’s TWO plugs! One’s for the power supply! Two switches (which is nowhere near enough switches; by this point, Phil had a bass that was made up entirely of switches) and EIGHT KNOBS, one of which is located directly under the strings, kinda, for some reason.

But it’s an early model, too, obviously. Lucky is to Tiger what a coelacanth is to a tuna: you can see where the design is headed, but it ain’t there yet. The headstock is much too small, plus there are no ornately expensive inlays covering the thing. (The Dead loved their guitar inlays.)

Also, there’s only two pickups. From Wolf forward, Garcia went with three, as that is the most that will fit. The part of a guitar string from the nut to the bridge has to be a certain length, which puts a finite cap on the room you have to jam humbuckers into the thing, although I would feel comfortable in wagering that there were many discussions and sketches about how to get a fourth pickup in there. (“What if we install them sideways?”)

The page from Bonham’s about the auction notes that this item came with a Letter of Authenticity from an unimpeachable source: Bobert Herbert Walker Weir. Now, Bobby is a human and therefore fallible, but if he signs a letter saying Garcia owned the guitar, then Garcia owned the guitar. If you give Billy $40 and a tugger, he’ll sign anything you put in front of him, but Bobby’s signature is his bond.

(It should be noted that the Letter of Authenticity took up most of Bobby’s day. He signed it, and then thought “Well, how will people know that the Letter of Authenticity is authentic?” so he drafted another letter authenticating the first Letter of Authenticity. Then–and maybe you know where this is going–Bobby reasoned, “Well, how will they know that that letter is authentic?” and it went on all afternoon.)

Fun fact: Garcia gave this guitar to Matt Kelly.

Matt Kelly had a mixed and complicated relationship with the Grateful Dead.