How does he keep going?
I do not know.
Does he tire?
By plain sight, he does not, sir.
How long has he been in office? A thousand years?
27 months.
Oh, God, it’s like staring into eternity.
Settle. Get to the pre-arranged topic.
Was it ‘cheese?’ Are we talking about various cheeses?
Why do you do this? Why don’t you come to rehearsal?
I kid. Settle. What is going on with the social media and Trump?
When I was a child, I imagined a future far less embarrassing than this.
Yes.
What is going on with Facebook?
It’s blue.
Stop it.
This week, Facebook issued permanent bans to Alex Jones, that Milo guy no one cares about anymore, and the guy with the cigarette. Minister Farrakhan was also banned.
But Farrakhan’s a prophet that I think you ought to listen to.
Nah, fuck him. Man had Malcolm X killed. And he hates the Jews.
Neither of those facts have any bearing on his status as a prophet. In fact, prophets are usually pretty fucked up cats.
Let’s get back on track.
Facebook has banned a selection of individuals, almost all of whom are known for their right-wing views. Are they allowed to do that?
Yes. They’re a private company, and can therefore deny service. If you go in the Hallmark Shop and take a shit next to the statuettes of the babies who are also somehow married, then you will be asked to leave. The second turd gets you a permanent ban. These have been the rules of the marketplace since humans started dragging their wares to a central location every new moon. Can’t shit in another man’s shop.
Have any of these people been banned from other platforms?
Oh, yes. Laura Loomer has been 86’ed from Twitter, PayPal, Lyfy, and UberEats.
How do you get banned from UberEats?
Guy goes to the door. He’s Vietnamese. She screams “JIHAD!”Pushes the driver into the bushes. Steals the Camry. Wrecks the Camry, but no one got hurt. The whole thing’s a bad scene.
What about Instagram?
She has been banned from Instagram.
Damn, even the Gram. What about her freedom of speech?
What about it?
Let me rephrase that: What about her Freedom of Speech?
Ooh, much more patriotic. You’re referring to the First Amendment. Congress shall make no law abridging the Freedom of Speech.
I am.
It hasn’t. We’re done here.
Wait, wait, I don’t mean the technical definition of “freedom of speech,” I mean the connotative imperative.
You made that phrase up.
We have a moral duty to stand up for speech we find personally offensive.
Who told you that?
Some guy down at the arcade.
Did he touch you? Be honest.
His quarters purchased time he used to play his games.
Wow. Anyway, it was Voltaire who said that, and he liked to grab at unpleasant teenagers, too. And he didn’t have to put up with a cabal of assholes using Facebook to orchestrate a mass eviction/genocide in Myanmar. Some people are menaces, and it’s fine by me to give ’em the heave.Would you agree that a tavern has the right to toss a patron shouting about the Jews and getting everyone all worked up?
I would.
The principle is the same. It scales. Humans may have the natural right to internet access–so say the Scandinavians–but they don’t have any claim on entrance to specific sites.
Doesn’t this show Facebook’s liberal bias?
Facebook doesn’t have a liberal bias. It has a capitalist bias. Once again: it is a business. What we think of when we think of the internet is really just a series of stores. Security come and getcha if you don’t act right. The honchos and muckety-mucks who bleed themselves daily for Lord Zuck thought long and hard and disruptively about this, and figured they’d make more money without the hateful creepazoids, so the creepazoids got gone. It’s the Free Market. The Republicans should be loving this.
They are not, though.
No. Basketball Head has been spraying tweets for two days voicing his displeasure, like a dying rhino rainbowing piss all over the savannah.
It’s just so embarrassing.
Let’s extend a previous metaphor. A man is thrown out of a bar for being a loud asshole, and then the President of the United States publicly decries the ban. “Iggy’s Packy on Route 82! Let Jew-Hating Edwin back in your establishment!
It’s just so embarrassing.
Hide your kids, hide your wife, hide your head.
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