Tag: amir bar lev (Page 4 of 5)

Dear Amir Bar-Lev,

Hi. How are you? Been a while since we talked. I see you have either put on or lost weight. Do you family? If you do, then I hope you are familying well. Similarly, I wish prosperity to the sports team you follow.

I wish we could chit and chat this way for hours, Amir, but we must get to the point because I do not have too much time. You seem like an intelligent and well-informed man. After all, your name is Amir and you make documentaries for a living; I would not assume so much of you if your name was Stump and you earned your keep as a human alarm clock.

Surely a smart and well-informed man would have heard of the numerous times a dying fan has been permitted to see a movie ahead of its release date. This is a great publicity move, and also a mitzvah.

Yes, Amir Bar-Lev: I am dying. My heebie-jeebies have metastasized; the doctors say I only have anywhere from one minute to seventy years left to live. The end could come at any second.

Still not convinced why you should let me see the documentary early, Amir? What about these wonderful reasons:

• If I do not succumb to my heebie-jeebies during or immediately after the film, I will almost certainly write nice things about it.
• Think of the inspirational and touching Instagram photo we can take of you showing me the film while I lie in my hospital bed. (I am not actually in the hospital, but would totally sneak into a hospital with you and look real sick while you took the picture.)
• If you don’t, and I die before seeing the movie, then I will come back to earth and haunt the living shit out of you; I would be your personal Babadook.
• Dying
• Man’s
• Last
• Fucking
• Wish.
• Usually when this kind of stuff happens, the filmmakers are forced to hang out with sick kids, but it would be cool with me if you just sent the file by e-mail or something.
• Bobby said it was okay, I swear.
• Cough cough cough.
• So weak.
• Fading.

In conclusion: I am a dying person and would like to see Long Strange Trip: A Trip Of Strange Longevity before everyone else because I am special I die. I would call the Make-A-Wish Foundation, but my research shows that they are a front for the Clinton Foundation to launder Saudi money through, and I decided to cut out the middleman. Also, the Make-A-Wish Foundation has blocked my number.

Let’s make this happen, Amir Bar-Lev.

Sincerely,

TotD

If you let me see the documentary early, then I can make this stop. No favors will be called in to computer folks I know so that we can make this the top hit when someone googles your name. This can all stop happening. You are in control of your destiny, Amir Bar-Lev.

When this film comes out, people will surely be interested in its director, who is you, and they will google you only to find that. Could that photo possibly be your new Wikipedia picture? It could. It doesn’t have to. This can all be avoided.

I await your reply.

Hey, Amir Bar-Lev, director of the upcoming Dead documentary which will be premiered at Sundance. Whatcha doing?

“Holding a baby.”

Why?

“Punting them is frowned upon.”

Sure. Still nuts, huh?

“Making this documentary about the Dead has changed me.”

How so?

“Last Wednesday, I punched the mailman in the dick, set my bedroom on fire four times, and cut all the legs off my jeans.”

Okay.

“Then I took piano lessons, and then I died.”

That’ll happen. This is exciting, though! Movie’s finally coming out.

“If it’s done, yeah.”

Done? The festival’s a month away. And you’ve had, like, five years.

“You can’t rush perfection.”

Five years is not rushing perfection. That is just precisely the right amount of time to achieve it.

“Some of the CG isn’t right.”

Why is there any CG? This is an archival documentary.

“Yes, but some of that archival footage was wrong. Remember Altamont?”

Yeah.

“The Dead plays their set now.”

Goddammit.

“Andy Serkis plays all the members of the band via motion capture. Except for Mickey.”

Who plays Mickey?

“Mickey. He insisted. I think he’s bored.”

I think you’re right. Don’t change the past, please.

“Very small changes.”

What else?

“Phil shoots first.”

I protest this course of events.

“Just some tweaks! Little tiny things that add up to a better presentation. Remember how the stage looked in the 80’s?”

Terrible.

“Right! So now it looks better.”

…

Please say you didn’t insert–

“I put the Wall of Sound behind them.”

–the Wall of…dammit, Amir, you can’t do that.

“It’s much more dramatic.”

It’s a lie!

“It’s a movie.”

Well played. Still, though: this is not right.

“Also, I digitally erased all the cigarettes.”

FUCK YOU, BUDDY!

“What?”

How will people recognize Garcia?

…

“I didn’t think of that.”

No shit.

“Okay. Welp. Sundance 2019, I guess.”

See you soon.

Hey, Amir Bar Lev, director of the long-awaited Grateful Dead documentary. Whatcha doing?

“What year is it? Where am I? Why is Pokemon back?”

You okay, buddy?

“I had Parish nail the door to the editing suite shut. I’ve been in there for…a while.”

Wow.

“What’s that fiery thing?”

In the sky?

“Yes.”

The sun.

“It’s amazing. Have people thought about worshipping it?”

Amir, how is the project coming?

“It keeps expanding.”

How so?

“We bought Yahoo.”

No, you didn’t.

“We did. Martin Scorsese took his eye off the ball after Vinyl got canceled, so I took the bull by the horns. And then I ground the horns up into traditional boner medicine.”

Oh, please don’t say’–

“We got Chinese funding.”

–you got Chinese funding. Dammit.

“They have so much cash it’s unbelievable. I brought a tall, blond guy in a suit to the meeting and they threw an extra hundred million in. The Grateful Dead Cinematic Universe is a go, and Bobby is now being played by Matt Damon.”

He’s everywhere.

“We’ve also started an animation division. It’s amazing how cheap Chinese animation is. It’s like they’ve eliminated labor costs.”

That’s because they’ve eliminated labor costs.

“Oh, that’s great: people drawing for the love of it.”

Amir, might this constant goalpost-moving be symptomatic of something else?

“Such as?”

I dunno. Maybe you’re under a little pressure?

“Pressure? No pressure. All I have to do is make the most perfect piece of art ever created by anyone ever in the whole world. I can knock that out before lunch.”

Aw, buddy.

“Also, Taylor Swift keeps calling and harassing me.”

She’ll stop. She’s dating Kim Jong-Un now.

“What?”

Nothing.

SEXUAL REVOLUTION A nebulously-dated period that may or may not still be going on characterized by women taking control of both their sexuality and reproduction, and a general relaxing of societal mores towards, and legal repercussions from, sexual expression.

SEXUAL EVOLUTION Men grow extra dicks on their shoulders so they can hump in a crowded subway car. Breasts become USB 3.0-compatible. Human buttholes split into two orifices: one for business, one for fun.

SEXUAL DEVOLUTION Civilization is reduced to people wandering around while pointing at their exposed genitals and screaming, “MOUTH TIME!”

SEXUAL AMIR BAR-LEVOLUTION Started off as a quickie and lasted four days.

SEXUAL MALEVOLUTION Shit gets dark. Knife-dicks are the least worst thing about the Sexual Malevolution.

SEXUAL TEVALUTION Everyone is required to wear Teva sandals while having sex, and people just stop doing it; humanity dies within a generation.

SEXUAL KEVOLUTION If you see Kevin McHale, you have to fuck him.

Hey, Amir Bar-Lev, director of–

“Hi, there! How are you? Hi. I’m fine. Hi. Hi! Hi.”

–the upcoming…hey, buddy.

“Got my second wind!”

Why do you need a second wind?

“Been up for four days editing.”

You’ve been editing the film for four days straight?

“Not the film. A scene.”

You’ve been editing one scene for four days?

“It’s an important one.”

What is it?

“Closing credits.”

They just scroll upwards, man.

“BUT HOW FAST?”

…

You need a nap, Bar-bar?

“I couldn’t sleep now even if I wanted to. I can see through my eyelids. And also the back of my skull. I have achieved omnivision. Perhaps jumbovision.”

How long is the movie–

“FILM!”

–now?

“It’s not short.”

Right. How long is it?

“Are we including the comic book tie-ins?”

No.

“There are comic book tie-ins now.”

I inferred that. How long?

“A little over four months.”

How much over?

“Two months over.”

So, six months long?

“If you want to be pedantic about it.”

Solid six months, or installments stretched out over six months?

“The first thing. 4,382.91 hours.”

Wow.

“There’s an three-week intermission.”

I think you’re overshooting the moon on this one, pal.

“Children will be conceived, gestated, born, weaned, whelped, educated, broken, and buried during my film.”

That’s longer than six months.

“What about rats?”

Oh, you could get ten or twenty generations of rats in that time.

“And then I shall lead the rats.”

Amir, please go to sleep.

“How can I sleep now that I am so woke?”

Are you taking pills?

“Not pills.”

Aaaaand I’m not going to ask any follow-up questions.

“My only fear is the economic turmoil my film will cause.”

How so.

“There will be no point in making another movie after mine. All the woods would shut down: Hollywood, Bollywood, Polleywood.”

Polleywood?

“That’s the Canadian film industry. Sarah Polley is a god up there.”

I enjoy her work.

“She rules with an iron hockey glove.”

Amir Bar-Lev, you’re making very little sense.

“Stop saying my full name over and over to make this page show up higher on Google.”

Okay, you’re making some sense.

“My movie will not be mocked! Believe in my vision!”

What is your vision?

“Well, I’m a director, so my vision generally includes my hands in front of my face doing that “L” thing.”

The frame.

“The frame.”

That’s a great move.

“Like, half the reason to be a director is that move. You stand on a location and you do The Frame, then you maybe mutter some director bullshit and make big sweeping motions with your arms.”

That’s awesome.

“It’s cool. Old days were better.”

Dunno about that. We have a pretty firm “the past was terrible policy” around here.

“You got to wear jodhpurs and yell at actors through a megaphone.”

Yeah, okay. Score one for the old days.

“You’re not supposed to yell at people any more.”

That’s a better system.

“I yelled at a guy outside the window this morning for two hours. He was a tree, it turns out.”

You need to sleep.

“I need to work.”

You need to sleep!

“I need to work!”

Duck season!

“Rabbit season!”

KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF!

I got him to do it.

“I don’t understand who’s speaking.”

Don’t worry about it.

“Is he friend or foe?”

Just go to sleep.

Go to sleep.

Go to sleep.

Go to sleep.

Duck season.

Rabbit seaMOTHERFUCKER!

SHPLOIK

whuff whuff whuff whuff

whuffwhuff whKAHBLAMMO

…

Did you just stick the needle of a bicycle pump into your belly and inflate yourself until you exploded?

I did.

“Could someone explain to me what’s happening?”

No.

Go to sleep.

Go to sleep.

…

Stop it.

Got a half-hour today? Spend it with a Hungarian lunatic, a thousand-pound bomb, and a casino. Read this article, and if you’ve got the cash, option the story for me to write the feature script for. (We could get Amir Bar-Lev to produce.)

Hey, Amir Bar-Lev, director of the upcoming Dead documentary. Whatcha doing?

“Wishing stuff.”

What kind of stuff?

“That I was a bird.”

Wanna fly away?

“So far.”

You look skinny. Are you eating?

“I had a fruit roll-up.”

When?

“Tuesday”

Not good. Cherry?

“Strawberry.”

Not good.

“Tomorrow begins production on the ocean set.”

The what now?

“We have built a set on the ocean. Filming the Egypt scenes there.”

Why?

“Symbolism.”

Oh. Isn’t shooting on the water almost impossibly difficult and time-consuming and expensive?

“It is the Grateful Dead way.”

Oh, no. Do not start doing things the Grateful Dead way. Money disappears and people die.

“Yeah, we’ve lost two keyboardists already.”

Why does a movie crew need–

“We have waterproof cameras, and jet-skis, and a giant reef built out of shipping containers.”

Wow. Where is this?

“Nesia.”

What? No. There’s Micronesia and Macronesia and Polynesia.

“There’s also a Nesia. How else would you know if a nesia was big, or small, or many? Gotta have something to measure against.”

Okay, whatever. This is a terrible idea. The ocean doesn’t cooperate.

“No, no: the ocean is our friend.”

Frenemy at best.

“We’ve already done some test shoots. They went wonderfully.”

Oh? How much footage did you get?

“Camera boat sank.”

Yeah.

“People died.”

Sure. Ocean’ll do that. Plus, you know: how much is this costing?

“Not as much as you’d think. Guess.”

A hundred million dollars.

…

“Okay, exactly as much as you’d think.”

Holy shit, man! A hundred million? Why? How? No, wait: the question is “who,” isn’t it? Who paid for this?

“Peter Theil.”

He is getting around.

“He’s already declared it a country. It’s called Seasteading.”

It’s called pretending you’re Robinson Crusoe.

“Either way. He also bought the robot killer whales.”

Why would you need those?

“I told you: this is the Egypt scene. I need killer whales.”

Okay.