“Good morning, sir. Can I assist you?”
“Yeah, sure. I’m, uh, preferred. Or, you know, very important. I’m in the little club where you get to hang out in a bar that poor people aren’t let into.”
“Yes, sir. You’re a member of the Praetor’s Suite.”
“That thing you just said.”
“Wonderful. I just need to see your ticket.”
“I got the whole phone deal going. Here ya go.”
“That’s Candy Crush, sir.”
“Oops, sorry. Love that game. Here it is.”
“No, that’s a picture of your dog.”
“My girls call him a pupper. That’s the new thing, I guess. Oh, here.”
“Yes, sir. Mr. Weir. Thank you. Will you be checking anything?”
“I’ll probably check my email in a bit.”
“Luggage, Mr. Weir. Will you be checking any luggage?”
“Oh, right. No.”
“What about your guitar?”
“It’s not checking any luggage, either.”
APPLE WATCH NOISE
“I should take this.”
…
“Weir here.”
“Bobby, we need to talk about the book.”
“Benj? I thought Billy killed you.”
“He did. Repeatedly, and in increasingly-comical ways.”
“I’m not writing a book.”
“Right! I’ll write it for you. I hear Simon & Schuster is looking for a new project.”
“Yeah, I dunno. What’s that noise?”
“This noise?”
oooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEoooooooAAAAAAAooooo
“Yeah, that noise.”
“Theremin.”
“Sure. Mickey had one of those way back. Bear wired it to about a dozen amplifiers. Peoples’ fillings were popping out of their teeth for a two-block radius. All the crullers exploded at a donut shop. We had to confiscate the thing for, you know, the greater good.”
“That’s the kind of story that should be in a book! Plus the sex stuff.”
“There’s not gonna be a book, and there’s definitely not gonna be any sex stuff.”
“Sex sells, Bobby.”
“Yeah, huh? Billy’s book had sex in it?”
“Tons!”
“How’d it sell?”
“That’s beside the point.”
“Benj, I’m not writing a book.”
“Fine. Does Ratdog need a theremin player?”
“Actually, we do.”
“Great.”
CELL PHONE NOISE
“Is that you?”
“I take all of my calls on my watch or my hat.”
“Okay. Hold on.”
…
“Benjy here.”
“Hello, Benjy Jewish.”
“Who’s this?”
“Is Putin.”
“Putin from the Flaming Groovies?”
THWIP!
“Holy shit, someone just shot me in the neck with a blowdart! I hope the tip wasn’t pois–”
shlump
“Putin keeps promise.”
ЯUSSIAN PHONE NOISE
“Who this? How you get this number?”
“AH’M CRAFTY LIKE A PANTHER, POOTER!”
“Is not Pooter. Is Putin.”
“YOU SEE WHAT AH’M WEARIN’, BOY? RED, WHITE, AND BLUE. THASS AMERICA RIGHT THERE.”
“Red, white, and blue is also Russian colors.”
“GODDAMN, YOU COMMIE BASTARDS STEAL EV’RYTHING.”
“Cannot steal color. Color belong to everyone. Color is opposite of Ukraine. Ukraine belong to me.”
“UKRAINE IN TEXAS?”
“Nyet.”
“THEN AH DON’T GIVE A SHIT. IVAN, AH AM WARNIN’ YOU: YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF THE AWESOME POWER OF A FULLY-OPERATIONAL TIME CAPE. STAY IN YER IGLOO, OR YER HUT OR TEEPEE. WHATEVER TH’ HELL PEOPLE WHO AIN’T AMERICANS LIVE IN. AH HAVE NOT TRAVELED MUCH.”
“Come to Mother Russia. Is beautiful. You will be safe here. I promise.”
“YER TESTIN’ MAH PATIENCE, POOTER.”
“Is Putin.”
“COULD BE NOTHIN’ AT ALL, MAN. ‘MAGINE YER PARENTS DIDN’T MEET, OR WERE MURDERED BY JOE ESPOSITO. THASS TH’ KINDA THING TIME CAPES IS GOOD AT.”
“Putin not scared of you.”
“AH AM LESS SCARED O’ YOU TH’N YOU ARE O’ ME.”
“Is not possible. I have no scared at all. Cannot be less scared than none.”
“AND YET AH AM. AH AM A MATHEMATICAL WONDER.”
CALL WAITING NOISE
“THAT YOU ‘R ME?”
“Яussia not have call waiting yet.”
“YOU DRUNKEN GOBLINS REALLY SHOULD CATCH UP. AH’M GONNA TAKE THIS. SAY HI T’ THE OTHER FLAMIN’ GROOVIES FOR ME.”
“Putin is not in–”
DIAL TONE NOISE BECAUSE WHEN ELVIS HANGS UP A PHONE, IT MAKES THE RIGHT NOISE
“NEW PHONE, WHOOZIS?”
“Elvis? Hi. You don’t know me, but I’m a big fan.”
“WHO TH’ HELL IS THIS?”
“My name’s Benjy Eisen.”
“AH THOUGHT YOU JUST DIED.”
“I did.”
“YOU A GHOST?”
“No. I’m alive again.”
“HOW?”
“It’s never really been explained.”
…
“AH NOW ACCEPT YOU AS MAH SENSEI. YOU MUST TEACH TH’ KING HOW TO MASTER DEATH AND RETURN TO THIS LIVING WORLD, SO THAT AH MAY CONTINUE TO LET PEOPLE SEE HOW GREAT AH AM.”
“What?”
“AH WILL MOVE YOU TO GRACELAND TO BEGIN OUR STUDIES.”
“Really?”
“UH-HUH.”
“Okay, cool. Yeah, I’m a sensei. Let’s do this.”
“YOU WAN’ A CADILLAC?”
“Yes, I do.”
“BAM! YOU JUS’ GOT CADILLAC’D, BOY.”
“Nice. Elvis, how you fixed for management?”
“MAN, YOU GO SNIFFIN’ ‘ROUND THOSE PASTURES, YOU GET ANOTHER POSION DART IN YER NECK.”
“Okay.”
“DON’ MESS WITH TH’ COLONEL.”
“Elvis, I gotta tell ya: I did not see this ending coming at the beginning of the post.”
“TWISTS ‘N TURNS, THIS ONE HAD.”
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