Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: bernie sanders

A Partial Transcript Of The Nevada Democratic Debate, 2/19/20

“Good evening, America, and welcome back to the 197th in an infinite series of Democratic Debates. My name is Lester Holt, and your mom probably has a crush on me. Tonight, we are in Las Vegas, Nevada on the cusp of the nation’s third primary. Andrew Yang has dropped out, but we do have a new face behind the podium, former Mayor of New York City, Michael Bloomberg.”

“Lester, I’ll give you half-a-million dollars to make everyone else’s questions harder.”

“Stop that. I do want to add that we apologize for the late start. The DNC gave all the candidates the wrong address. Tough to overstate how incompetent the national Democrats are, folks. Anyway, let’s start off with Senator Bernie Sanders.”

“I marched for your people, Lester.”

“You’ve mentioned it before. Senator, you are 80 years old and recently had a heart attack. Will you be providing the public with any more details about your health?”

“Health is good. Listen, listen, don’t worry about my heart. Very solid in there. No crust, no gunk, real strong. The people don’t need to see any of my medical records. What the people need is to join a worker’s collective.”

“Yes, but you can understand why there are concerns about your health?”

“I have to say that this line of questioning is racist.”

“What now?”

“Like when everyone noodged Obama about his birth certificate. This is just like that. Asking to see any sort of documentation is racist.”

“I don’t think it is.”

“Lester, I wanna talk about Medicare For All.”

“Fine. How are you going to pay for it?”

“Except that part. I wanna talk about all the aspects of Medicare For All except that part. Did you know that, with my plan, all illegal immigrants receive free root canals?”

“Really?”

“Yes. Trump wants to build a wall, I want to give out dental bridges.”

“Interesting. We now go to the Senator from Massachusetts, Elizabeth Warren.”

“Lester, let me interrupt you to say that Mike Bloomberg is the fucking devil. I’m not gonna sugar-coat it. Me and my staff, we whipped up a dozen clever lines about what a sleazy, greedy, racist, autocratic putz he is, but I’m calling an audible and just saying it plainly. He’s the motherfucking devil.”

“Okay.”

“THE DEVIL!”

“You all right, Senator Warren?”

“I’ve lost whatever sense of humor I had coming into this. I don’t mind losing to a commie, but not to Wall Street Smurf.”

“Understood. Next question is for Pete Buttigieg, mayor of South Bend, Illinois.”

“Indiana, Lester.”

“Same shit, different highway. Mayor Pete, all the other candidates in the race support some variation of universal health care, whereas you keep using the phrase¬†Medicare for those who want it. What is the difference?”

“Mine sounds much better. You have to admit that.”

“I don’t. Would your plan eliminate private health insurance?”

“Oh, God, no. Think of the jobs. People’s health is one thing, but it’s not as important as the economy’s health.”

“Uh-huh.”

“What Senator Sanders and Warren is proposing would basically set America on fire. Y’know what? Not ‘basically.’ Literally. Remember what happened to Australia last month? That. The whole country would literally be on fire if socialists are allowed to interfere with an insurance company’s right to insert itself in between you and your doctor.”

“I don’t know if that’s a right.”

“Which one of us was a Rhodes Scholar?”

“You.”

“There ya go. Also, I heard that Bernie Sanders is only staying alive via transfusions of intern blood.”

“This is not true! This is not a true statement! I do not require such procedures!”

“Pete! Bernie! Knock it off! I am now going to speak with the Senator from Minnesota, Amy Klobuchar. Amy, you’re still here.”

“I resent your tone, Lester.”

“It’s just sweet how you’re not letting your lack of charisma hold you back.”

“Every time you say a mean thing, I beat another staff member tonight. So that’s all on your head, Les.”

“Senator, who is the President of Mexico?”

“No clue.”

“How about the Prime Minister of Canada?”

“The hunky dumb one.”

“What about Italy?”

“God only knows who’s in charge over there.”

“Okay, I’ll give you that one. Would you like to tell Mike Bloomberg to go fuck himself?”

“I would.”

“Go ahead.”

“Go fuck yourself, Mike.”

“Great. Mayor Bloomberg, hello.”

“Hello, Lester. Have you been frisked?”

“No.”

“I’d prefer if you were. Just for my own safety.”

“Absolutely not.”

“I’ll give you a million dollars to let Biden frisk you.”

“Oh, wow. I totally forgot Joe Biden was here.”

“Has he fallen asleep?”

“Apparently. Mayor Bloomberg, you’ve come into the race recently and been spending a lot of money.”

“I have so much.”

“Yes. Will you release your tax returns?”

“Oh, they’re boring. No one wants to see them.”

“I believe they do.”

“Nah. What people want is for Robert Downey, Jr. to play Iron Man again. Elect me president, and I’ll pay Robert Downey, Jr. to come back as Iron Man.”

“He’s aged out of the role..”

“Nah, they’ll shmear the computer stuff on his face like in the Scorsese movie. And I’ll have him fight Batman.”

“Those are two entirely different companies, Mayor.”

“I’ll buy them both. They’ll fight.”

“Lester! Lester!”

“Yes, Senator Warren?”

“He’s THE FUCKING DEVIL.”

“You’ve mentioned.”

“Lester, I want to conclude my statement.”

“Go ahead, Mayor Bloomberg.”

“I will give every American citizen $100 to vote for me. In cash. Straight cash, homie, as your people say. I could do it and still have $20 billion left over.”

“Oh, God, you actually could.”

“BECAUSE HE’S THE FUCKING DEVIL!”

“Settle down, Liz! We’re going to a commercial. Someone wake up Biden.”

Thoughts On The Democratic Debate Without Having Watched It

  • Ooh, what fine podia.
  • Do they have to custom-make those?
  • Or is there a wholesaler?
  • Does the podium wholesaler also have lecterns in stock, or does he specialize?
  • No one called for a general strike.
  • Bunch of pussies.
  • Che would have called for a general strike.
  • Of course, that was his response to everything.
  • Someone steals his morning paper?
  • General strike.
  • No mojo sauce for the fried plantains?
  • General strike.
  • Commie Grandpa is closest to Che, I suppose, but I do not think Bernie would line political enemies and homosexuals up against a wall and shoot them.
  • He’s not that type of commie, or grandpa.
  • The man is not my pick for the nomination, but I can’t accuse him of that.
  • Now, Kamala Harris?
  • Kamala Harris would absolutely line motherfuckers along a brick wall and open up a mini-gun on them.
  • And she’d figure out a way for Caliburn International to make a profit from it.
  • Did Marianne Williamson reveal the Orb of Tinath’e?
  • Because she shouldn’t even know what the Orb is, let alone have possession of it.
  • The woman is not a trained sorceress; she got famous as a guest on Oprah.
  • You wouldn’t give Doctor fucking Phil the Doublet of Reticulation, would you?
  • Last time the Orb got into the hands of a ninny was 1582, and Pope Gregory had to magickally excise 11 days from October.
  • Cory Booker said to Pete Buttigieg, “We’ve got so much in common!”
  • And Pete said, “Oh, thank God, you’re finally coming out.”
  • Silence for a moment.
  • “I meant that we were both Rhodes Scholars who went on to become mayors of working-class cities.”
  • “Oh! Oh. Well, I didn’t mean–“
  • “I have a girlfriend, y’know.”
  • “Sure, yeah, sure.”
  • “I’m dating Rosario Dawson. We have SEX.”
  • “Cool!”
  • And so on.
  • Was Biden there?
  • I know NCIS is on tonight, so maybe he didn’t show up.
  • Grandpas love NCIS.
  • That Mark Harmon doesn’t take any shit from the youngsters, first of all.
  • There’s a new girl with big tits every couple seasons, second.
  • You get a good car chase every once in a while, third.
  • GRANDPAS LOVE NCIS.
  • In conclusion, the Democratic Debate is a land of contrasts.

Stuck In The Middle

FROM THE RIGHT:

“He’s our president now.”
Go fuck yourself.

“Why don’t you give him a chance?”
Go fuck yourself.

“He’s doing what he promised.”
Go fuck yourself.

“Oh, everyone who doesn’t agree with you is a racist, huh?”
Go fuck yourself.

“I suppose you want to go to war with Russia?”
Go fuck yourself.

“Jobs.”
Go fuck yourself.

“Barron.”
Go fuck yourself.

“I thought liberals were supposed to be tolerant.”
Go fuck yourself, fucko.

 

FROM THE LEFT:

“I may not agree with what you say, but I will–”
Shut up and go fuck yourself.

“The DNC rigged the–”
I thought I told you to fuck yourself.

“Louise Mensch tweeted–”
Go fucketh thyself.

“Bernie–”
Go fuck yourself, and fuck Socialist Grandpa, too.

“But what are the real reasons that people support–”
They’re mean or they’re stupid; go fuck yourself.

“Jill Stein–”
BANG!

The Meme Police, They’re Looking For Me

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A reminder: this is simply not cool. Any sort of comparison between Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton is sexist: their records, their fundraising, their body counts. ALL OF IT IS OFF-LIMITS, SHITLORDS.

For the truly progressive out there, as opposed to Bernie Bros, here are the topics one should stick to when discussing Ms. Clinton:

  • She’s due.
  • Bernie’s unelectable.
  • She already knows where everything in the White House is.
  • Vince Foster’s already dead; it’s not like she can murder him again.

Finally, while Sanders’ male supporters may be referred to as “Bernie Bros,” Clinton’s female fans should never be called “Hillary Harpies.”

Are you reading that damn Salon website again?

I can’t stop myself.

This behavior is becoming problematic.

Show me someone who isn’t problematic and I’ll say a prayer for ’em.

Amen

Insh’Allah.