Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: beyond blue

My Old Blues

Me and Matt Tahaney used to drive into The City to see this band. They were called Beyond Blue, and they played The Bottom Line on Bleecker Street right down from where a guy named Bob used to sell records. We had terrible fake ID’s, but this was before magnetic strips and holograms, and the bouncer didn’t give a shit, anyway.

We knew the guitarist, Steve. Everyone called him Smiley because he always looked so serious when he played. The lead singer’s name isn’t coming back, but I can still see him on the two-foot tall stage: his hair was perfect. If you saw him on the street, you’d say, “That guy’s a lead singer;” he had skinny legs and cheekbones; his shirt would be unbuttoned by the third song, and off by the fifth. The bass player looked like Jon Lovitz, and they’re jammed together, all eight of them, into a tiny space built for comedians and folk singers. There were eight of them because they had a horn section.

Heaven’s got a horn section. Something about a horn section, especially in a small room made of brick

The sax player wore a yarmulke and had curly hair. He looked like a rabbinical student, possibly because he was. The trombonist was the band’s clown: he would fuck around behind whomever was soloing and do silly little goat dances while he shook his maracas. His name was Gary, and he sung the closer. Same closer every show. Goofy 12-bar that sounded like something Louie Armstrong and his Hot Five would have tossed off on a Tuesday in Tulsa.

The lyrics started like this:

Ruby, Ruby
Roll me a joint.
Roll is as big as a spliff.

And they didn’t get much smarter, but after only one chorus the entire room could sing along. They did. We did.

Beyond Blue played mostly originals, but they did covers, too. All horn stuff, and the section could blow. Late In The Evening by Paul Simon, and the three of them would hit their entrance after the line about stepping outside and smoking a jay. It was a fine sound.

And just about every show, the keyboardist would hit a few chords–not even chords, parts of ’em, little clusters of 9ths and 13ths and all the jazzbo bullshit–and then we’d get a story about white boy problems, about safety schools and rich kids and the Upstate New York that painters used to jerk off to. The guitar solo only sounded right on a Stratocaster and the horn section would chirp in behind the lyrics and the harmonies; it would all bounce off those tight brick walls and we would cheer loudly when California crumbled into the sea.

This is how the original went:

There’s no tape of Beyond Blue doing it, none that I can find, so it’s gone just like Walter Becker is.

Play it loud.

Just Gotta Poke Around

There’s never been a moment in human history when we weren’t quite positive that not only does The Universe know what our problem is, but it wants to help. The Universe expresses itself as God, and God wants to give us advice. Now, for some reason the Universe has–with absolutely no deviation ever–only done so in code, but what do you want for nothing? Plus, most societies have always had the ongoing dilemma of what to do with the guy who lived on the outskirts of town who would disappear for a few hours and then return, stark naked and covered in blood-not-his-own, screaming “GLORAFOOBLE MAKKA MAKKA” at the virgins. You have to give that guy a job; free time is his weapon, and that job might as well be telling the future.

The Chinese threw the I Ching. (So did gullible white people, but that’s for another day.)  The Yoruba of West Africa divine Heaven’s Will through a hilariously complicated system called Ifá, and you should really check it out because it’s a perfect example of what humans can accomplish when they aren’t internetting all goddam day. The Romans were obsessed with birds, which makes sense if you’ve been to Rome and seen the skies there, full of pestilent pigeons and haughty hawks: the Appian’s an alliterative aviary. They would make their auguries with a knife, and if the lucky bird’s innards didn’t give them the information they needed: well, fuck it, bring me another rooster, Gaius.

Us civilized folk (you can tell we’re civilized because of the swarms of flying death robots) scry the Word of God with our tech, just like we do everything else that used to be natural, from eating to fucking. The radio in the car or the Precious. A long pointless drive, which is one of the finest things this world we’ve built has to offer. Cruise control set 8 miles above the speed limit, religious about your blinkers–it’s best to avoid any Imperial entanglements. Cigarette wedged in the nook of the middle and ring fingers, left hand; bowl encircled in the first and thumb. Drive with your knees on the straightaways. Nothing but straightaways out there, in America.

Karma roulette. The next song has meaning. Whether it’s chosen by some opaque algorithm deep within the brains of the Precious or David Gans on the GD Station doesn’t matter: God chose it specifically for you at this moment.

My buddy Tahaney and I were going to see Beyond Blue, a band we were obsessed with that never quite made it out of The Bitter End on Bleecker Street. They broke up almost two decades ago: too soon for HD video-capable eyeglasses and recording studio apps for your Precious with more clarity and power than Electric Ladyland. Nothing lasts; everything changes.

We had our fake IDs and a few doobies packed with the neon green buds that had also accompanied us to the Stones stadium show, where we enjoyed them right next to a guy and his child. Not a toddler, but definitely not a human you felt 100% about smoking your neon green doobies next to, but y’know what? Stones concert. Fuck you, kid and dad who brought his kid to the Stones concert: we’re smoking our doobies. We did, however, refrain from offering the kid or dad any because, let’s face it, we were pretty decent kids.

Lost somewhere in Alphabet City–and this is before real estate started going for $100 a square foot and sodas were still legal–and miles away from our destination, one of us posited that if we had gotten lost while sober, then perhaps we could get unlost stoned. This seemed like a good idea, (it wasn’t), but you should be aware that Tahaney and I were, in the academic rankings of our high school, both within three places of the median. That is a true fact. So, while we weren’t smart enough to realize how dumb the idea was, we were smart enough to realize that we were too dumb to make it.

Karma Roulette, spin that dial…Shakedown Street.

We didn’t make it to the club until the end of the first set.