Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: bill graham (Page 3 of 6)

Two Jews Walk Into A Dressing Room

bill graham david geffen

The tall, pale Gentile in the scarf had never been around Jews before getting in show biz, and the sound of Semites arguing frightened him. He knew, from the words, that Bill Graham and David Geffen were discussing basketball, and actually agreeing on many points, but inflections and gestures told a different story.

Allow me to translate for those who aren’t fluent in Hebraic body language: David Geffen is treating Bill Graham like a fourth-grader, and Bill Graham is about to leap across the room and bite David Geffen on the face.

Advanced Yiddish Subtlety: Geffen thinks Bill’s a putz; Bill Graham thinks Geffen’s a schmuck.

Also, Bill Graham is naked for some reason, and Geffen is thoroughly killing the afro/eyebrows game.

In A Green Room With Black Curtains

 

“Listen, putz, that ‘spread,’ as you might so mendaciously call it, in the Green Room is a shonda. You have the great Bill Graham, the great Grace slick, the great Jerry Garcia, and the great Bill Graham coming to do your fakokta  show and there’s–what? A Cheeeeeese plate? And plastic bottles of soda pop? How dare you treat artists such as this with such contempt? They could have done a national program and zip, zop: all the publicity done. But, no: they appear on your rinky-dink little show, with its rinky-dink chairs, and its rinky-dink host.

“Setting the backstage ambience, mood, whatever: this has always been Bill Graham’s ace up his sleeve. When Tito Puente played for me, in honor of his Puerto Rican heritage, I turned the heat up really high. When Led Zeppelin came to town, I allowed them to beat several of my employees nearly to death. When Clapton headlined, I made sure that anyone with a darker complexion than a paper bag was out of his sightline.

“Wonderful guitarist, terrible racist, Eric Clapton.”

“The great Grace Slick has passed out. Go to commercial, or you’ll never work in the music business again.”

White, Belt

There is a new book called Live at the Fillmore East & West that, like the majority of books written by former drug abusers about dead drug abusers, is full of fun stories that may very well not have happened, but still end with Bill Graham declaring vendettas against bass players, so I enjoy them.

This particular Rock Book earns Hall of Fame status for the inclusion of one descriptive phrase: someone is called “…[the Jefferson Airplane’s] resident martial arts instructor/drug dealer.”

Makes you feel like you chose the wrong major in college.

They're Not Booing…

Having previously brought you Phil’s letter to Trey, TotD has also acquired the personal and private letter Phil wrote to Bruce Hornsby entreating him to join the Dead this summer.

FROM THE DESK OF PHILBERT J. LESH

My Friend Bruce,

Hi, Bruce. It’s Phil. Phil Lesh. Of the Grateful Dead. How are you? I am fine.

Are you dead? You played keyboards for us. Statistically, you are deceased. If you are dead, let me ask you two things: totally dead? Because we did an entire European tour with Pig when he was mostly dead: we can work with mostly dead. If you are 100% dead, though: tell Garcia I need my lawnmower back; he’ll know how to get it to me.

Continuing under the assumption that you are still alive, I come to my point. The Grateful Dead will be reuniting for three shows this summer at Soldier Field; we’d like you to be there with us.

We had such good times during the too-brief period when you were with us, Bruce. Musically and socially: do you remember the time Mickey dosed you and Bill Walton, dressed you in Godzilla costumes, and pointed you at those Japanese tourists? I’m sure they remember it! (Bill Walton remembers it: he shredded his Achilles tendon tackling that tiny little Hello Kitty of a woman and missed the playoffs.)

Let’s have those good times again; look how little has changed: Trey Anastasio is playing guitar, so there will be a bearded reformed(?) junkie smiling at you; Jeff Chimenti will be stuck behind you playing a little dinky Casio, so you’ll have your contractually obligated “piano bitch;” and Bobby still thinks your name is Brian.

There is, of course, the small detail of the money, but I think we should–as Billy always says–“let the Jews take care of it.” (I’m not saying I agree with the sentiment: it’s a terrible thing to say. I’m just saying Billy says it all the time.)

In a financial nutshell: you won’t be getting the least amount of money, nor will you be getting the most. (Funny story: Bill Graham will be making the most money out of all of us. He inserted an iron-clad first-refusal for the 50th in some contract for a 1985 show at the Greek. Wily bastard, Uncle Bill.)

I have only three small things to ask of you:

One: If you see Mrs. Donna Jean, don’t say anything. Long story. Just dummy up.

Two: If you don’t have room in your suitcase for your accordion, that’s okay.

Three: Don’t hit Chimenti above the neck. May God help us all, he’s the closest thing we have to handsome nowadays. Shoulders down: that’s up to you.

We all hope to see you in Chicago and make some more music together.

Sincerely,

Phil

p.s. Bobby wants me to say “Hi, Brian.”

Alpha

brent jerry bobby BG headbandEveryone had fun throwing the towels until Brent got a bit out of control and chucked one at Garcia, who straight-up backhanded him.

“Why do I always end up having to teach the keyboardist lessons?” Garcia said, as he advanced on Brent’s slumped body.

Bill Graham, being a street kid, had already made himself scarce. Bobby watched and cried as Garcia undid his belt and taught his terrible lesson.

I’m going to need this to stop. Right now. Right the fuck now, please, asshole.

What? This is the usual thing: pictures and japery and magical realism with dick jokes.

Yeah, this is not that. This is you describing a beloved entertainer as asserting his dominance through sexual terrorism.

Have I found the line?

I believe so, yes.

Try The Veal, Schmuck

bill graham standup comic

One night at the Fillmore West when the Flaming Groovies were running late and Santana wouldn’t pick up the phone, Bill Graham tried out his stand-up comedy routine.

“AUSCHWITZ, my family died in, you white-bread motherfuckers!”

Then he did a bunch of impressions of people who none of the kids had heard of.

“All right, you’ll love this: Adolph Menjou at a bowling alley.”

The experiment was not repeated.

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