Hey, Billy. Whatcha doing?
“Foreign skank.”
Nice sweater.
“Yeah, I stole it from Duke Douchebag.”
Is that a real person?
“Y’know how Dead shows in America are full of CEO’s kids, and little fuckers that went to Choate?”
Sure.
“Well, In Europe, those assholes have titles. I just call ’em all Duke Douchebag, ‘cept for the girls. Lotta skank! You’d be surprised how much of the noble class is pure, unadulterated skank.”
Sluttery is an ancient tradition of the patricians.
“I love it when they yell at me in gobbledy-gook. Y’know how they say ‘no’ in German?”
Nein.
“Trick question! Skank doesn’t say no! That’s why it’s skank!”
Walked into that one.
“Hold on. I gotta make a call.”
CELL PHONE DIALING NOISE
Goddammit, Billy, I’ve told all of you to stop using the Time Sheath to bring phones back to the past.
“Hey, who was the one who gave a time machine to the Grateful Dead? This is on you. Shh.”
…
“Hello?”
“Hey, Doc Comfort! I gotta come see you!”
“What? I’m not actually a doctor. I’m a hospital ship.”
“Can you write scrips?”
“I have a fully-stocked pharmacy on my main deck.”
“Close enough. My regular doctor got the balogna virus, and I’ve been 86’ed by all the other medical professionals on the island. I’m not even allowed in vet’s offices anymore.”
“Why not?”
“Because vets don’t know how to party, man.”
“I don’t even know who this is. Or why I’m sentient all of a sudden. I was built in 1970, and this is quite literally my second conversation.”
“Hey, you’re quiet. No harm in that.”
“What? No! I was a boat! I didn’t talk to anyone because I was a boat!”
“Kid, you gotta believe in yourself. Now let’s talk about what’s coming out of my johnson. Not gonna lie: it’s smelly.”
“AH GOT SOMETHIN’ F’R THAT!”
“Elvis?”
“You know him!?”
“EV’RYBODY KNOWS ME, Y’OVERGROWN BATHROOM TOY! DO NOT FORGET THAT AH AM INSIDE YOU, AND FROM WITHIN CAN BRING ABOUT YER DESTRUCTION, LIKE JONAH WHEN HE WAS IN THAT WHALE, OR CHARLIE HODGE THAT TIME HE GOT LOCKED INTO TH’ VAN!”
“Hey, King! It’s Billy!”
“AH RECOGNIZE AN’ RESPECT YOU, BILLY KRAMPLEBAUM. PLEASE TELL HAIRY GARCIA T’ SEND RONNIE TUTT TO ME IMMEDIATELY. IF AH’M GONNA CURE THESE HERE HEEBIE-JEEBIES, AH’M GONNA NEED A MUCH BIGGER BAND.”
“Good thinking.”
“AH WILL ALSO TURN TH’ SWEET INSPIRATIONS INT’ NURSES, AND KATHY WESTMORELAND, TH’ PRETTY LI’L GIRL TH’T SINGS ALL TH’ HIGH NOTES, IS GONNA BE AN ADMINISTRATOR OF SOME SORT. ‘PARENTLY, SHE HAD A COUPLE YEARS O’ ACCOUNTING AT COLLEGE.”
“Paperwork’s important. Hey, I need enough penicillin to kill a horse, and then enough speed to bring the horse back to life.”
“AH TAKE BLUE CROSS, BLUE SHIELD, AN’ BLUE BELT.”
“What’s blue belt?”
“UNDER THAT COVERAGE, TH’ PATIENT KARATES WITH ME T’ SEE WHO PAYS.”
“I’m paying cash.”
“AN’ BRING ME SOME SPAGHETTI WITH BACON CRUMBLED INT’ IT. THE MESS HALL ON THIS FLOATIN’ JALOPY AIN’T UP TO MAH STANDARDS!”
“Yeah, all right. When are you?”
“ME OR TH’ SHIP?”
“Both.”
“AH MAY HAVE OVERESTIMATED MAH ABILITIES TO HARNESS TH’ TIME CAPE. AH GOT REALITIES ALL OVERLAID AN’ EV’RYTHING. WE GETTIN’ AWFUL CLOSE T’ DINOSAURS POPPIN’ INT’ EXISTENCE HERE.”
“Yeah, y’can’t get too tricky with time travel. It squiggles on ya.”
HERD OF VELOCIRAPTORS VIVASPIRATING ONTO THE DECK OF A HOSPITAL SHIP NOISE
“Jesus! What the fuck!”
“BILLY KRAMPLEBAUM, AH SHOULD TEND T’ THIS. TH’ RAPTORS ALREADY DONE ET UP TH’ SWEET INSPIRATIONS AND KATHY WESTMORELAND, TH’ PRETTY LI’L GIRL TH’T SINGS ALL TH’ HIGH NOTES.”
“Why are there dinosaurs!? WHY ARE THERE DINOSAURS!”
“HEY NOW, SWIMMY BOY! DON’T YOU BE USIN’ NO BIG-CASE LETTERS! THAT’S RESERVED F’R TH’ KING! THIS DIALOGUE-ONLY NONSENSE IS CONFUSIN’ ENOUGH WITHOUT BOTH O’ US LOOKIN’ TH’ SAME!”
“I really don’t understand the rules here.”
“GO WITH TH’ FLOW, MAN! YOU SHOULD BE USED T’ THAT!”
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