Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: bob weir (Page 97 of 198)

Paint It Black-Throated Wind

March 1, 2016 / / 4 Comments

bobby old happy beard

CELL PHONE NOISE

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Weir here.”

“Bobby! Irving. How are you?”

“Y’know, Irv: woke up this morning and felt super.”

“I see what you did there.”

“What did I do?”

“Anyway. Bob: I got Dead & Company a great show. Big publicity. Huge crowd.”

“You haven’t mentioned the money.”

“It’s a free show.”

“Yeah, huh, about that: no. Well, I mean: the drummers won’t show up. If it’s a real good cause and there’s a private plane and all that then maybe I could go with my acoustic and play some numbers.”

“This is worth it, Bob. Big show!”

“Where?”

“Havana.”

“Illinois?”

“Cuba.”

“There’s a Havana in Cuba, now?”

“Bobby, concentrate. Millions of people. Broadcast around the world. Huge pub, baby.”

“Well, wait: do Cubans know who we are?”

“No. But they know who the Stones are. You’re opening.”

“Opening for the Stones?”

“Yeah.”

“At a free show?”

“Right.”

“Click. Dial tone.”

“Bob, did you just say “click” and “dial tone?”

“Well, you just can’t hang up on people dramatically anymore.”

And Starring Jeremy Piven As “Mickey”

March 1, 2016 / / 1 Comment

mickey bobby dj

“Bobby, I want to talk about the show.”

“I wanna talk about your shirt.”

“I lost a bet. Listen: I should be played by that Miles Teller kid from the drum movie.”

“That kid’s got a face like a foot.”

“Yeah, but he can drum! And we can drum together, and I can drum with him in between takes.”

“I think the teamsters would probably murder you very quickly. Plus, you’ve already been banned from the set.”

“Where’s the set?”

“It hasn’t been built, but you’ve been banned.”

“What about Jeremy Piven?”

“That’s an option, sure.”

“He plays the drums!”

…

“Mickey, did you–”

“I Googled ‘actors who play drums'”

“–Google…okay. Piven’s probably a reach.”

“Okay: Jason Schwartzman.”

“I have no idea who that is.”

“He’s an actor.”

“Thanks, Mick. What does he look like?”

“Jewish.”

…

“Okay, maybe.”

“Great.”

Three Souls In Communion

March 1, 2016 / / 1 Comment

pig jerry bobby 71

“Weir! You and me is having some man-to-man words about this here television program!”

“Goddammit.”

“I wanna be played by a man of poise and prestige! Someone who’ll get the Pig’s highs and lows! Capture me as a person of character adrift among the reprobates! Not just some drunk kid playing the blues, y’know?”

…

“Don’t make the Pig no joke, Weir.”

“You know I wouldn’t do that, Pig.”

“Nah. I know. You gonna do me right with this fiasco. You just let ’em all know who I was. People done forgot about the Pig.”

“I didn’t. I couldn’t. Promise.”

“Well, if I got your word and a dime, then I got me a cup of coffee! The Pig is goin’ to Hollywood! What channel we on?”

“Yeah, there aren’t really channels anymore.”

“Is there Captain Kangaroo in the morning and horror flicks late at night?”

“If that’s what you want, I suppose.”

“Then TV is still TV! Future ain’t so fancy, Weir!”

“Yeah, maybe.”

…

“Jer, do you have any notes on the–”

“Leave me out of this, Weir.”

“–TV show? Okay, sure.”

Phil Lesh, C.S.A

March 1, 2016 / / 1 Comment

bobby phil messy 81

“I demand approval over script and casting, Weir.”

“I don’t even know if I have that, man.”

“Here’s my list of acceptable actors to portray me.”

“Phil, we’re playing. Please don’t hand me lists.”

“Yeah, but everything happens simultaneously. It’s why the us-es from 1984 are discussing something that happens in 2016. Therefore, we must somewhere exist in a space where we’re not playing, and I can hand you whatever I please.”

…

“Yeah, okay.”

“I mean, not whatever I please. I wouldn’t hand you a duffel bag full of furious raccoons.”

“Mickey would.”

“Mickey would, yeah.”

“Lemme read this. You’re really being a pain-in-the-ass about this.”

“A member of the Grateful Dead is being a pain-in-the-ass. Inform the media.”

“Okay. Huh. Christopher Lee?”

“Absolutely. First choice.”

“Phil, you can’t be played by Christopher Lee.”

“We have the same noble posture and patrician’s nose!”

“He’s dead.”

“How dead?”

“Thoroughly. Plus, even before he was dead, he was a million years old. And British.”

“I’m sure he could do the accent.”

“Next. Tim Roth. Tim Roth? Also British. And doesn’t look anything like you.”

“CG.”

“None of you understand what CG is and how expensive the stuff is.”

“Fine, no Tim Roth.”

“‘The guy from Star Wars.’ Which guy from Star Wars?”

“The black one.”

“No.”

“The other black one.”

“Lando?”

“Sure.”

“Also no. How about C3PO? You kinda look like him.”

“Which robot was he, gay or midget?”

“Gay.”

“Yeah, okay, maybe.”

“You wanna hit Creepy Ernie’s after the tour? My treat.”

“What are you saying?”

“Not saying. Inviting.”

“I need new clothes.”

“Well, you know–”

“I need fat clothes. Is that what you’re saying?”

…

“Phil, you’re sweating what can be described as beer-gravy.”

“Kiss my ass, Weir.”

“I’m not body-shaming; it’s just that you’re not really helping yourself here.”

“Fuck off.”

“You started this.”

“Fuck off.”

“And we could stop at Big-Dicked Sheila’s. so she can fix whatever she did to you last time.”

“It’s the Johnny Ramone!”

“Yeah, still.”

Everyone’s In Show Biz

March 1, 2016 / / 0 Comments

billy hat bobby msg hof

“I want to play myself.”

“Bill, that’s not gonna happen.”

“Gimme one of them computer facelifts.”

“Even if it made any sense, we don’t have the money for that.”

“Little makeup, I can still pass for 30.”

“You couldn’t pass for 30 when you were 30, Bill.”

“Fine. Then I want the pretty kid to play me.”

“Meyers?”

“Is that his name?”

“Yes. His name is Josh Meyers.”

“Whatever. Yeah: him. He should play me.”

“If he’s gonna play anyone, he’s gonna play me, and he’s not doing that. The kid isn’t in the picture.”

“He knows how to drum. I’ll give him some lessons.”

“Where did this idea come from?”

“Kid promised me half his salary if I gave him the job. Really wants to be an actor.”

“No. And please stop accepting kickbacks.”

“Never.”

“Kreutzmann, we’re getting a real actor and that’s it.”

“Well, at least let me pick him.”

“The casting director picks people.”

“Okay, I’ll be that.”

“What?”

“The casting director. What does it pay?”

…

“You just want a check out of this, don’t you?”

“How long you know me?”

“Sure.”

Josh Meyers, SAG/AFTRA

March 1, 2016 / / 2 Comments

[PDF] John Mayer and Bob Weir of

“Let me play you in the TV show.”

“Can we talk about this later, Josh?”

“Now is good. I can do two things at once.”

“You can’t play me.”

“Butt-chin!”

“I don’t have a butt-chin, Josh, I have a beard.”

“But young you didn’t.”

“No, no. I’ve always had a beard; it’s just sometimes I used to shave it off.”

“Bob, think about it: we’re both tall and handsome.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“Great hair.”

“Sure.”

“Plus, I can actually play guitar.”

“You’ve been soloing for months now.”

“And you know I’ve been taking acting lessons.”

“Well, yeah: everyone knows. I’ve been meaning to say this: you gotta stop making Oteil run lines with you. I think it makes him uncomfortable. Or at least stop doing scenes from Fences.”

“It’s an American classic!”

“Sure, but you really get into character and sometimes there’s a bit of line-straddling that I’m not sure you’re aware of. Plus you step all over his lines.”

“Just between you and me, Bob: Oteil’s not much of an actor.”

“That’s because he’s a bass player.”

“Notwithstanding. Just asking for some commitment to the craft.”

“Right, sure. Josh, you can’t be in the show.”

“Waaahhhh.”

Yet Another Episode Of The Dead’s Amazon Show From The Creators Of HBO’s Vinyl

February 29, 2016 / / 1 Comment

INT: PASTICHE RECORDS – CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

EXECUTIVES of the company sit around the TABLE. A large man NAKED EXCEPT FOR A LEATHER BLAZER stands atop the table DOING LINES OFF THE LIGHT FIXTURE.

The president of the company, NOODLES BRAUNSHWEIGER, enters the room. He is played by TIM ALLEN IN A WIG.

NOODLES
We’re losing money!

ANDY WARHOL is there for some reason. He is played by PETER SERAFINOWICZ IN A WIG.

ANDY WARHOL
I hear that the Grateful Dead needs a new record
contract. Maybe you should talk to them.

MACHO is STOPPED DEAD by Warhol’s statement. Then he DOES ANOTHER LINE. Then he is STOPPED DEAD AGAIN.

MACHO
That’s it! Legendary artist Andy Warhol is right! The Dead!
Just let me go have some scenes with my wife and I’ll go sign ’em!

MACHO jumps off the table and LEAVES THE ROOM.

Then he RE-ENTERS THE ROOM and STABS NOODLES and GETS AWAY WITH IT BECAUSE ROCK AND ROLL.

INT: MADISON SQUARE GARDEN – NIGHT

MACHO is standing IN THE WINGS as the DEAD PLAYS. There are MANY SHOTS of NOODLE DANCING and people HITTING JOINTS IN SLOW-MOTION. As Macho LOOKS AROUND, he is STOPPED DEAD by the POWER OF ROCK AND ROLL OR SOMETHING.

There is a BALD MAN standing next to Macho.

MACHO
(to the bald man)
Man! That’s some jamming right there! Woo! I can’t
believe they’re playing Dark Star! In MSG!

BALD MAN
Of course they’re playing Dark Star in MSG! They play it
at every show, just like your average viewer would assume.

MACHO
Right, and it’s not like there’s any way to find out what the
Dead played on any particular night.

BALD MAN
Lost to history and easily shuffled to fit the whims of the
narrative.

MACHO
Exactly! Hey, aren’t you Cli–

BALD MAN
NO! No, no: I’m Jive Mavis from Barista Records.

JIVE MAVIS is played by MICK JAGGER’S GARDENER IN A BALD CAP.

JIVE
Are you here to sign the Grateful Dead, too?

MACHO
Looks like I got some competition! Luckily, there’s
nothing more interesting than a white guy with work
problems!

Macho SHOVES HIS HEAD INTO A GARBAGE BAG FULL OF COCAINE, then STABS Jive Davis.

ONSTAGE – CONTINUOUS

The Dead plays.

BOBBY
Jer?

GARCIA
Yeah, Bob?

BOBBY
I thought this show was about the music.

GARCIA
Music, music business. What’s the difference?

BOBBY
Well, you know: quite a bit, Jer.

GARCIA
Yeah, Bob. I was making a point.

BOBBY
Ah.

GARCIA
Bobby, aren’t you producing this?

BOBBY
Yeah, but it turns out I have no idea what a TV producer does

GARCIA
Huh, yeah: me, either.

Behind them, Keith Moon DRIVES A CAR INTO A POOL.

Another Episode Of The Dead’s Amazon Show As Written By The Creators of HBO’s Vinyl

February 29, 2016 / / 3 Comments

EXT: MONTEREY POP FESTIVAL – DAY

The Summer of Love! (We cannot refer to it as the Summer of Love for legal and financial reasons.)

We FOLLOW a large man through the crowd. His name is MACHO SCUNGILLI and he works for PASTICHE RECORDS. There are many people around him: HIPPIES and BEATNIKS and WHATEVER ELSE THE COSTUME DEPARTMENT CAN FIND.

Macho is wearing BELL BOTTOMS and FLOWERS IN HIS HAIR and a LEATHER BLAZER.

He stops a SKINNY BLACK GUY with a STRATOCASTER as he passes.

MACHO
Hey, lemme borrow that for a second.

Macho grabs the guitar and FLIPS IT OVER, pouring THE MOST COCAINE YOU’VE EVER SEEN onto it, even though it’s 1967.

He SCHNARFS the YAYO.

MACHO
HOOOooooo! That’s good yayo!
(…)
What’s your name, kid?

JIMI HENDRIX
My name’s Jimi Hendrix, mister.

MACHO
Have you met Bob Weir?

JIMI HENDRIX
No, but I have a feeling that when I do meet him,
we’ll be the best of friends.

AUDIO CUE: FOXEY LADY AS COVERED BY THE MILK CARTON KIDS

A TALL MAN with a STUPID HAT walks up.

MACHO
Hey, Papa John Phillips of The Mamas and
the Papas!

JOHN PHILLIPS
Hey, brother. Peace and love.

MACHO
Peace and love.

JIMI HENDRIX
Peace and love.

MACHO
This is what the past was like. Anyway, nice
catching up, but I have to go discover The Who.

EXT: ONSTAGE – NIGHT

Four ACTORS IN BAD WIGS are onstage wearing Who costumes. The GUY PLAYING KEITH MOON clearly does NOT KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE DRUMS. Also, The Who would not permit their songs to be used, it is a COVER of Substitute by NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL that sounds ALMOST, BUT NOT QUITE, EXACTLY UNLIKE THE WHO.

The Who DESTROYS THEIR INSTRUMENTS because THAT’S WHAT THE VIEWERS EXPECT and then leave the stage.

MACHO
Holy shit, guys! That was some authenticity!

PETE TOWNSHEND, who is played by MICK JAGGER’S NEPHEW answers him in a TERRIBLE BRITISH ACCENT.

PETE TOWNSHEND
Thanks, Macho. But I’ve been feeling so constrained by
pop songs. I want to write something bigger. Something grand.

MACHO
You mean like a rock…opera?

PETE TOWNSHEND
A rock opera! That’s it! Once again, the guy from the record
company is the real hero of the story.

Behind him, Keith Moon DRIVES HIS CAR INTO A POOL.

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE

JERRY GARCIA and BOB WEIR stand there, HOLDING THE WRONG GUITARS.

BOBBY
Jer?

GARCIA
Yeah, Bob?

BOBBY
I thought this show was about us.

GARCIA
Eh. Hollywood.

BOBBY
Ah.

GARCIA
Hey, who was that black guy you were playing with? That
guy could play, man.

BOBBY
Oh, that was Jimi Hendrix.

GARCIA
Cool.

BOBBY
He’s my new best friend.

GARCIA
Okay, Bob.

Behind them, KEITH MOON DRIVES ANOTHER CAR INTO ANOTHER POOL.

« Older posts Newer posts »

The Stacks

Follow Us

Google Verification

Follow Us

Follow me on Twitter

© 2026 Thoughts On The Dead

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑