HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES – MORNING
“Let’s go, let’s go. Business time here, ladies and gentlemen. The FBI has reported the recent alarming rise in White Nationalism in America, and this committee was convened in hopes of getting some answers. But before we can do that, thanks to some weird rules that still exist because this is the House and McConnell isn’t here setting fire to the place, the Republicans are now calling to the stand Miss Candace Owens.”
“Thank you, Chairman Nadler. I would like to make a statement.”
“I would like a danish.”
“Today, our country is divided like never before. Never, There was not one single occasion whereupon our states became disunited at a higher frequency than these times we are living through. And yet illegal aliens rape our bathrooms at an astonishing rate. President Trump is correct to consider using the military to invade Mexico.”
“Dammit, woman, you know he’s watching! Don’t put ideas like that in his head!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Chairman.”
“Mm-hmm. The chair recognizes the honorable gentleman from Texas who invited you and caused this sideshow, Louis Gohmert.”
“The distinguished Chairman is a good man, and my friend, and I enjoy his company and conversation. I have included both him and his family into my evening prayers on multiple occasions. We used to rassle, but no more.”
“Knock it off, Louie.”
“We got too old to rassle. That’s sad, hombre. I miss our matches. That was the bipartisanship that others only talked about. We practiced it, Nads.”
“Just ask your damn questions.”
“Miss Owens, may I say that you look as good as a stew pot full of armadillo.”
“Can you eat armadillo?”
“You can eat any protein if you simmer it long enough.”
“Fair enough. How long do you have to cook a ‘dillo?”
“Four days.”
“Wow.”
“You gotta burn out the leprosy. They-all got the lep.”
“Thank you for educating me on this, Congressman.”
“Now you gonna educate us. Miss Owens, this committee says that Trump supporters are racist.”
“They do, sir.”
“But–and I want this noted for the record–you are a black?”
“I am.”
“So, if you are a black and a Trump supporter, then how can Trump supporters be racist?”
“I’ve been racking my brains trying to figure it out, Congressman. That was a wonderful question. The truth that socialeftists don’t want to face is that America has gotten over racism. Was there racism in the past? Some, and in places. But there was also an unwavering commitment to freedom of speech. Modern research has proven that the Civil War was caused primarily by the speech issue instead of slavery.”
“How so?”
“The southern states viewed ‘bidding on slaves’ as speech.”
“Them rebels was patriots, Miss Owens.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Did you say ‘Socialeftists?'”
“I did. It combines ‘Socialist’ with ‘Leftist.'”
“Well, I hope that catches on. Good on you, being all creative.”
“Today, in 2019, racism has been defeated, and it’s provable that each and every one of those so-called ‘hate crimes’ in the FBI was orchestrated by Jussie Smollet.”
“I believe that. He’s capable of that sort of villainy. Pure evil. Now, Miss Owens, I once again note for the record that you are a black.”
“Yes, sir.”
“A full black. You look like a full black, but I’m just gettin’ it on the record.”
“Both parents, Congressman.”
“And yet you made it here into these chambers this morning without any incident. Clearly: ain’t no racism. I yield my time back to the Chair.”
“Great. Thanks, Louie. Very helpful. Let’s keep this moving. From the Golden State, Congressman Lieu now has the floor.”
“Thank you, Chairman Nadler. Had I met you before having my daughters, they would both be called Jerrold.”
“Oh, my good and loyal friend. You illuminate the caves of ignorance with your pure beams of truth.”
“Hail Hydra.”
“What?”
“Miss Owens, I have several questions for you. For whom do you work at the moment?”
“Multiple dark-money PAC’s, Prager University, and I have a Patreon and Venmo and Paypal. It is perfectly legal to be a Trump supporter and secure that bag, Congressman. Are you saying a black woman cannot secure that bag?”
“I do not believe I said anything of the sort. I am merely asking questions.”
“The problems facing black people today are Chicago-style gang violence, the lingering effects of Obamanomics, and their own trifling asses.”
“Sure. Miss Owens, I would like to play a recording of a speech you gave recently. I have it here on my phone. Lemme press play.”
Just some good ol’ boys
Never meanin’ no harm–
“Sorry. Sorry. That is, obviously, the theme song from Dukes of Hazzard. I enjoy the program. Like to watch it on the StairMaster. I got the thing I want here somewhere. Oh, here.
Yeah, there’s that Congresscock. Stroke it, bitch–
“That is the audio from when I recorded myself masturbating. It’s natural for a man to explore his sexuality that way, and I won’t be shamed for it. Also, I live in the most socially liberal district in the country, so playing that probably gained me five points. Wait. I got it. This was from a question-and-answer session you gave in a Memphis Arby’s several months ago.”
“All Hitler’s crimes were those of vociferosity. Germany being an racially pure ethnostate just makes sense. We evolved in tribes, y’know. That’s real science. That’s the science the Left doesn’t want you to know. They’re too interested in diversity to care about the truth. According to Lefist math, two can identify as six. Hitler didn’t see it that way. To him, a German was a German. It was in the blood. And, obviously, that’s the right idea, but he just went about implementing the whole shebang a bit dramatically. He was an artist; he was over-the-top.”
“Were those your words, Miss Owens?”
“That depends.”
“On what?”
“Do you also have video?”
“Yes.”
“How dare you, sir! Clearly, my words are being taken out of context by you and the lying, Israel-hating Jews in the Democrat Party.”
“Uh-huh. This is also a quote from that same session:”
“The Fifteenth Amendment is a joke. Ask any lawyer. A joke. And, frankly, I’d give up my vote if it meant all the other black folks did, too.”
“This is what Communists do. They accuse people without any evidence.”
“I am playing a literal recording of your actual words. This is the gold standard of evidence.”
“Just because I am a free-thinking black woman who supports our President and nuking Mexico, I am being persecuted for my beliefs.”
“You are not being persecuted. You were invited to the hearing and weren’t even sworn in.”
…
“Congressman, I believe you are a Chinese spy.”
“GAVEL NOISE
“Okee-dokee, why don’t we take a smoke break?”
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