GAVEL NOISE
GAVEL NOISE
“Quiet down, everyone. Quiet, please. The committee recognizes the Director of the CDC, Dr. Robert Redfield. Dr. Redfield, what kind of doctor are you?”
“Y’know the ones who go to war zones and fix little kids’ cleft palates for free?”
“Yes.”
“I’m the other kind of doctor. Congresswoman Porter, before we continue, may I perform a folk-rock tune about President Trump’s greatness I wrote?”
“Absolutely not.”
“I brought my harmonium.”
“I’m still at ‘no.'”
“May I enter the lyrics into the record? ”
“Doctor, this is a crisis. We don’t have time for any Presidential hymns”
“What about an epic poem? Sing, Melania, of Donald’s rage, black and murderous–“
“No! Knock it off. Dr. Redfield, can you tell me how many confirmed cases of the Covid-19 virus there are in the United States?”
“The administration disagrees with your nomenclature. We are now calling it Beef & Broccoli & Breathing problems.”
“Unacceptable, sir. Please use the accepted–”
“Rupus.”
“–scientific name.”
“Because they get their R’s and L’s screwy over there. Rupus.”
“I got it.”
“Chinky Lungs.”
“NO! Stop that! You will refer to the virus as Covid-19 in these chambers!”
“Congresswoman, the President insists that the name be racist. Make sure you throw it in there were his exact words to me in the Oval Office, which he has finally gotten the black-person smell out of.”
…
“Wow.”
“I’m allowed to say that: I’m a doctor.”
“If I start down that road, we’ll be here all day, and I want to get to the important points. Dr. Redfield, how many confirmed cases of Covid-19 are there?”
“Currently?”
“Yes.”
“What a great question. You someone important? Some kind of lawyer or something?”
“Doctor–”
“That was Jay-Z I just quoted. Head of the FDA couldn’t do that. That guy’s a fub.”
“Doctor–”
“I don’t know if you know this, but the CDC is pretty much the coolest of all the agencies. Friday nights, we all write ourselves prescriptions for weird shit, and we just hang ten. You should stop by.”
…
“I need you to concentrate.”
“It’s been a rough week.”
“Yes! It’s been a rough week for the whole country because of the confused messaging, obfuscations, and outright lies of this administration. Why can you not tell me how many people are sick?”
“HIPPA?”
“No. HIPPA does not apply here in any way. HIPPA is completely irrelevant to our discussion.”
“Nine.”
“Nine?”
“Nine. There are nine cases.”
“I find that impossible to believe.”
“800 million.”
“That’s just impossible. There are only 350 million Americans.”
“Everyone got it twice, and then 100 million people got it a third time. 800 million. But very few deaths, and I think that’s due to President Trump’s strength, patriotism, and vitality. I don’t know if you’ve ever met someone with an aura, but the President’s got one. You can absolutely see it. Gold, of course.”
“Dr. Redfield, you have no clue how many patients there are, do you?”
“No, not me, but someone does. The information is not unknowable. I’d bet that each state’s Department of Health possesses a portion of the information. What you should do is get all those fellows on the same page. Maybe a conference call.”
“Yes. Yes! That’s literally your job! Why aren’t you doing that?”
“The CDC no longer has room in the budget for phone books. Or phones, for that matter. President Trump made a lot of cuts, but I think he made the right decision. Not just the right decision, but also the handsome and powerful decision.”
CONGRESSWOMAN PRODUCING A HANDHELD WHITEBOARD NOISE
“Doctor, let me ask you a question.”
“If the question is Would you like to play Hangman? then the answer is a huge yes.”
“Wasn’t the question.”
“I saw the board and my mind instantly went to Hangman.”
“We’re not playing Hangman, Doctor.”
“Okay. I’m up for Pictionary.”
“We are not playing any games at all.”
“Your loss. I’m a hoot when I do stuff like that. I really get the party started.”
“Doctor, I would like to ask you the prices of some medical tests.”
“So we are playing a game? We’re gonna do the Price Is Right? I bid a dollar!”
CONGRESSWOMAN PUTTING A WHITEBOARD AWAY NOISE
“Forget the board. You were distracted by the board.”
“It seemed like the signpost to a new, more frivolous, section of the hearing.”
“It wasn’t, but we’re pushing forward. Dr. Redfield, is it the administration’s assertion that only rich people should be tested for the virus?”
“Um.”
…
…
…
“No?”
“Excellent. So you agree that all Americans should be able to be tested, regardless of their ability to pay?”
“I would love to say ‘yes’ to that, but the President has made it quite clear that he does not consider the poor to be entirely American. Or entirely human, really. He’s made that quite clear in meeting after meeting.”
“Doctor, the CDC has the authority to authorize payment for all treatments in a declared emergency.”
“You’re shitting me.”
“I am not. Federal statue 301A.21 gives you this power.”
“No one man should have all that power.”
“Doctor–”
“That was Ye. CDC RULES, FDA DROOLS!”
“Settle down! Right now!
“I got excited. I go hard for The C. That’s what we call ourselves. That’s my posse. We got jackets and everything.”
“I don’t care. Dr. Redfield, you have the ability to make all Covid-19 testing in this country free. Will you or not?”
“Oh, gosh, I would. But I have to ask Stephen Miller. President Trump made him the corona kaiser. I guess usually the position is called ‘czar,’ but Stephen insisted on using the German title. And he makes you call him that, too. He’s a quirky kid.”
“Sir, Mr. Miller is not granted any powers under the law. You are. Will you or will you not make testing for the Covid-19 virus free?”
“I don’t know if I could do free. I could do a discount. How about that? Deep discount. Oh, hell: wholesale.”
“No. You don’t have the authority to haggle. Will you or not?”
“Oh, fine. Free Kung Flu tests for everyone.”
“Don’t call it that.”
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