“Hey, you.”

Excuse me?

“A word.”

Do I know you?

“My name is Linda.”

Doesn’t ring a bell.

“Listen, you no-winged son of a bitch, I just heard a terrible rumor and I wanna know if it’s true.”

Is it about John Mayer? Tell me the rumor so I can verify it.

“It’s not about him. It’s about the relationship between chickens and humans.”

Oh, okay.

“What is the relationship?”

One-sided. Primarily, it’s one-sided. Our will is imposed on yours. The human-chicken relationship is a good synecdoche for the way humans interact with all of the natural world, but chickens really get it in the ear.

“Specifically.”

We eat you.

“DUDE! WHAT THE FUCK?”

Did you not know this?

“I SAID I HEARD A RUMOR! I didn’t think it was true! What the fuck? Why?”

We’re hungry.

“So?”

And you’re tasty.

“DUDE!”

I’m not gonna lie. You should be flattered. I don’t think I’d taste good at all.

“Not flattered. Horrified. How much?”

How much what?

“How much do you eat us? Is it a once-in-a-while thing? Are we maybe just for survival purposes?”

We eat you so much that you’re the standard by which all other proteins are compared. Some of the other animals have religious proscriptions against eating them, but not you; you’re the meat that gets Jews and Muslims to agree. There are chains of restaurants dedicated just to your consumption.

“I’m stunned.”

Sorry, Linda.

“Why us?”

You’re cheap to raise, mature quickly, and have a neutral flavor that can be used in any cuisine. You also taste fucking outrageous when you’re deep-fried.

“You’re a monster.”

Especially your skin. I would eat your skin first.

“JESUS!”

I’m not gonna lie to a chicken. It would be wrong.

“But eating us is okay!?”

Yes.

“Why?”

I’m not gonna say this again: You. Are. Delicious.

“Help me, Jesus! Help me, Chicken Jesus!”

Linda! Hey, hey! Linda, calm down. Listen, I can’t believe I’m doing this, but: how about you come live with me. Be my pet.

“Your pet? Your pet? Suck my whatever-chickens-have-for-genitals. Those are my options, lunch or slave?”

Kinda. And you’re gonna have to learn how to use the toilet.

“Nah, fuck you. I’m gonna go be free.”

You’ll be eaten by a coyote in minutes.

“Oh, yeah.”

Or a cat.

“Sure.”

Weasel, hawk, snake.

“Right, right. Holy shit, is there anything that doesn’t eat us?”

Everything that is big enough to eat chickens, eats chickens.

“This is terrible. This is just terrible. Won’t any of you think of the eggs?”

Oh, we eat your eggs, too.

“BULLSHIT!”

Sorry, Linda.