INT. WHITE HOUSE CABINET ROOM – AFTERNOON
“Nancy, Chuck, come in. I want you to know that I had no idea this meeting was taking place. Complete surprise to me, which is very rare because I am aware of everything that happens in all my properties.”
“Hello, Mr. President.”
“Happy Sukkot, Mr. President.
“I come in here after lunch and wing wang womp there you are. We did Whoppers. Amazing sandwich, the Whopper. Whole different beast than a Big Mac. The Big Mac is tall and elegant, like Ivanka. Whopper’s low to the ground. Sturdy base on a Whopper. Couldn’t knock one over. Pence, run back to the Oval Office and see if there’s any Whoppers left. I wanna see if Nancy can knock it off its feet.”
“Mr. President, I don’t want to tackle a Whopper.”
“You can’t. You don’t want to because you can’t. Democrats are very weak and scared of my lunch, which is very strong.”
“Uh-huh. We were told that this meeting would be about Syria.”
“Syria, Shmyria. That’s what I told the Italian President when he was here this morning. No one in the Middle East voted for me, but almost everyone in the Middle West did. We had an incredible victory on election night that people are still talking about. You’ll never guess who called me last night.”
“Mr. President, I–”
“Guess.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Guess, c’mon, guess.”
…
“Was it–”
“Pat Sajak! Guy’s had a hit show for how many years now? Big, big, big star. The yokels come in, they spin the wheel, win a car, whatever, it’s great. He does such a wonderful program over there, and he’s been rewarded. I never got an Emmy for The Apprentice, and I blame that on jealous losers being haters. And Hillary probably made some calls. I bet she made some calls. I believe she did.”
“Hillary Clinton rigged the Emmy Awards now?”
“You don’t know with that family! What was I talking about?”
JEW KICKING A RICH LADY UNDER THE TABLE NOISE
“Don’t remind him about Sajak!”
RICH LADY KICKING A JEW BACK NOISE
“I wasn’t going to! I’m not an idiot.”
RICH LADY AND JEW KICKING EACH OTHER A COUPLE TIMES, HARD, NOISE
“Mr. President, once again: we were asked to come here today to discuss the ongoing events in Kurdish-held Syria.”
“Taken care of! I wrote a letter, one of the most perfect letters you’ve ever seen, and we sent it over to whats-his-name, Captain Turkey. All taken care of by your beloved President, probably the best one America’s ever had. I wanna read everybody the letter. General Kelly?”
“He quit months ago, Mr. President.”
“Where’s my General?”
“Why are you looking in Mike McCarthy’s ear? He’s not in there.”
…
“General?”
“Maybe someone else could pass the letter out, Mr. President.”
“It won’t be as much fun. He does this thing where he flips the paper across the table, and it stops right in front of you. Never misses.”
“I think we’ll manage.”
“Fine. Pence!”
UN-INDICTED CO-CONSPIRATOR PASSING OUT PAPERS NOISE
“I’m gonna read it, you can read along. Chuck, you can help Nancy sound out the letters. I had to say it, Nancy. I had to. Many people have told me that you don’t know how to read. Not well, at least. Some people say not at all, some people say a little bit. Maybe the truth’s in the middle, I don’t know.”
“Oh, just read the letter.”
“You’re gonna be amazed. Ahem.
Let’s work out a good deal! You don’t want to be responsible for slaughtering thousands of people, and I don’t want to be responsible for destroying the Turkish economy — and I will. I’ve already given you a little sample with respect to Pastor Bronson. I have worked hard to solve some of your problems. Don’t let the world down.
You can make a great deal. General Mazloum is willing to negotiate with you. and he is willing to make concessions that they would never have made in the past. I am confidentially enclosing a copy of his letter to me. just received.
History will look upon you favorably if you get this done the right and humane way. It will look upon you forever as the devil if good things don’t happen. Don’t be a tough guy. Don’t be a fool!
I will call you later.*
“Wasn’t that great?”
BIPARTISAN STUNNED SILENCE NOISE
“Was that a joke?”
“You’re the joke, Nancy! You’re a nasty lady who wouldn’t know a good letter if it bit you, and you’re not hot anymore. No one invited you here to be rude and unpatriotic about my wonderful, very American and strong letter. I might have Ted Nugent set this letter to music, and that’ll be the new National Anthem.”
“Mr. President, that letter is going to get more Kurds killed, and it will get more ISIS prisoners released.”
“You’d love that. You love ISIS.”
“I do not love ISIS at all.”
“You love ISIS so much. You wanna kiss ISIS.”
“This is just insulting.”
“Nancy and ISIS, sittin’ in a tree.”
“Stop it! Mr. President, your rash decision–”
“Beautiful decision.”
“–to suddenly abandon the Kurds is leading to their slaughter. You’ve created a power vaccuum that will leave tens of thousands of civilians dead, thousands of ISIS fighters free, and more control of the region for Vladimir Putin.”
“What about Putin? Did you talk to him? What did he say about me?”
“Mr. President, you’re getting people killed.”
“Not people. Kurds.”
“Holy shit.”
“Have you ever met a Kurd? Not great. Not a fun experience. A little dangerous, if I’m totally honest. Something off about those folks.”
“Is there any chance of a fruitful discussion here?”
“Nancy, you have never given me a boner.”
“We’re done.”
“Not once!”
RICH LADY, A JEW, AND SOME OTHER DEMOCRATS LEAVING THE CABINET ROOM NOISE
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