“You ever see a spread like this, Candle Guy?”

“I have not, sir.”

“Amazing gesture on my part, but not really because I know people. That’s why I beat Hillary. I know people, and she murders people. She did a plane crash one time. Everybody knows about Vince Foster, but there was another guy. Black guy. Plane crash. Nobody talks about that anymore, but the woman’s a murderer. Okay, bring in the team.”

ENORMOUS, UNPAID YOUNG MEN AND A GUY NAMED DABO ENTERING NOISE

“Everybody come on in. You guys are young guys, lot of blacks, so I thought the fast food would be what you wanted. There’s more hamburgers here than anyone’s ever seen in one place. No one knows how many. Someone said 300, 500, a thousand, probably upwards of 80 million hamburgers and that’s just plain. I got a whole other tray with cheeseburgers. Coach? Where’s the Coach?”

“Here, sir.”

“Coach? Where are you?”

“Right in front of you. Waving both arms in the air.”

“Coach?”

“Why are you looking in a Big Mac box?”

…

“Coach?”

“Should I tug on his sleeve? What’s the protocol here?”

“Coach! There you are. You and your boys had the most wonderful year, one of the best college football has ever seen, even though the Democrats are trying to outlaw football. This is PC culture. They wanna get rid of football and turn all the stadiums over to illegal immigrants. ‘Here, take them, we’re sorry.’ I will never apologize for loving football more than illegal immigrants.”

“Good to hear, sir.”

“Boys, I want you to see what I’ve done for you. So many options. Real American food. Big Mac, obviously. The Big Mac is kind of like the Trump of burgers. Very, very successful burger. It’s a classy burger. Next to it is Fish Delight, and that’s my decision. Elections have consequences, and so we have Fish Delights. But it’s not just McDonald’s. We got Wendy’s, we got pizzas, we got so many french fries you’re not gonna believe it. This is most likely the most french fries that have ever been in the White House.”

“You don’t say, sir.”

“And, of course, it’s football. I knew you were bringing mostly blacks with you, so I got Burger King and KFC. KFC is the given. You got blacks, you got KFC. But not many people know how much the blacks love Burger King. Big fans! Obama said he was for the blacks, but he failed them when it came to jobs, and he never bought the blacks Burger King.”

“I have no response to that, Mr. President.”

“I paid for all of it. Came out of my own pocket. The Democrats have shut down the government so there’s no cooks in the White House kitchen. Whole thing, all of it. Thousands and thousands of dollars, and Nancy Pelosi is on a nude beach somewhere doing drugs. Y’know what? Send the press in.

PRESS BEING ALLOWED IN NOISE

“Where is Jim Acosta?”

“Here, sir.”

“I’ll give a thousand dollars to the first guy to tackle Jim Acosta.”

“That’s highly inappropriate, sir.”

“Jim, you peddle the fakest news that anyone’s ever seen. Jon Bon Jovi, good friend of mine, he calls me up and says the worst things about you, Jim. Maybe he’s right. Smart guy, Bon Jovi.”

“I don’t care about Bon Jovi’s opinion of me.”

“That’s what Richie Sambora said, and look at him now. Y’know what? Jim, I forgive you for your fake news. Take a Big Mac.”

“I’m fine, sir.”

“Too much burger for you? Maybe you want a McLean.”

“That’s just childish.”

“I’ll get you a Happy Meal.”

“Sir, this is beneath even you. I have a question to ask. Are you now are have you ever worked for the Russian government?”

“Jim, that’s the most insulting question I’ve ever been asked, and how dare you say something like that in front of this fabulous spread of food that I paid for all by myself. They got this guy down there in Brazil now, Bulbasaurus or something, and he’d hack your face off with a machete for a question like that. Maybe we look into that? Maybe we look into opening up the machete laws. My lawyers tell me that I have the absolute right to declare a national emergency so I can have you machete’d in the face.”

“Which lawyers, sir?”

“Rudy.”

“Besides him, sir.”

“Okay, great, wonderful, you’re fake news, enjoys your hamburgers, great team, okay.”

FAT MAN STUFFING HALF-A-DOZEN QUARTER-POUNDERS IN HIS OVERCOAT NOISE