Tag: corona virus (Page 8 of 8)

DO NOT TRY TO HAVE THE CORONAVIRUS ASSASSINATED BY HIRING A HITMAN OFF THE DARK WEB

All of those sites are scams, and that’s not how viruses work, anyway. If you could assassinate the coronavirus, then Putin would have done it already.

MAINTAIN A HEALTH RADIUS.

All Americans need to be aware of their Health Radius. The CDC is recommending a six-foot HR, unless you’re somewhere poor, in which case your HR should be expanded. BE AWARE: Judges in Florida and Texas have recently ruled that lethal defense of one’s HR is permissable, but judges in California and Massachusetts have said “That’s fucking insane. Please don’t do that.”

WASH YOUR HANDS

Everyone should wash their hands around 300 times a day. Y’know what? Fuck that: Go start washing your hands right now and don’t stop until you’re told to. If you don’t wanna die, go wash your hands for the next three months.

USE AN OLD PERSON AS A HUMAN SHIELD

Grab the codger by the shoulders–facing away from you, obviously–and use him a kickboxing pad.  No, this tip isn’t very moral, but it’s effective as hell. Maintain your Health Radius by retrofitting a geezer into a pugil stick.

THE GARDEN HOSE

Don’t you take that garden hose down to Pansy’s, Johnny Earl. People is talkin’, Johnny Earl. That shit reflects on me, you know?

WHO TO TRUST

Well, obviously not Johnny Earl. He’s an illiterate sex pest. The government and the media are also probably not your best bets. The internet is full of snakes and hooligans. Your friends are all numbskulls. Your family? Jesus Harpoon Christ, don’t listen to your goddamned family. They’re the ones who made you the way you are; why would you trust them anymore? The only sources you need are this website, and your neighbor’s dog.

AT-HOME TESTING

Currently, the only reliable testing for the coronavirus can be found at your local healthcare provider, or doctor’s office. If a man comes to your door and tells you that he is a doctor and he can test you for the virus by sticking his dick in your shoe, do not let him do that. There is no therapeutic value to the act, and the guy is most likely not a real doctor.

“¡Pardón!”

Who the fuck is that?

“It is I, Jose Corona.”

Were you literally the first thing that pops up when you google Mariachi guy?

“Si. You are mucho, mucho lazy. Tambien, my name is ‘Jose Corona.’ You put no thought into me whatsoever.”

How’d you even get in here?

“Snuck in.”

Jesus, this is racist.

“Si. You are lazy and racist and just the worst. Anyway, I have something to announce. We’re changing the name of the beer.”

That quick?

“I see the writing on the wall, muchacho.”

What does it say?

“Americans are morons.”

That’s a prescient graffito.

“Very observant wall, si.”

What are you gonna change the name to?

“We don’t know yet. Something vaguely Mexican and easy to pronounce. Whatever we pick, we gotta do it soon, though.”

Why the rush?

“So Vin Diesel can drink it in the next Fast & Furious movie.”

Can I go?

“I’m not in charge here.”

“HEY! AMIGO! YOU WANNA FUCK THIS HOT BITCH OF A GARDEN HOSE WITH ME?”

“Who the fuck is that?”

Oh, that’s Johnny Earl. Don’t pay him no mind.

Hey, Corona Virus. Whatcha doing?

“Traveling the world. Seeing the sights. Showing my brother I’m not a fucking loser.”

Your brother?

“SARS.”

Your family is worse than the Trumps.

“Dude, don’t compare us to those pikers. We can actually beat the Chinese in something.”

Nice.

“I cam causing some serious Sino-chaos. I kinda feel bad, though.”

Guilty conscience?

“Hell, no. It’s just that the only reason I leveled up into people is that the Chinese will throw literally anything in their woks. You really shouldn’t eat bats.”

I’ve been told pointing that out is racist.

“Nah. Asking a Chinese national to pronounce ‘corona virus’ and then laughing at the result? That shit would be racist. But suggesting you shouldn’t eat bats is just common sense. You know what they smell like when you cook ’em?”

No.

“Shit. Even if you clean ’em right, the cooking flesh gives off a distinctly fecal stink. I mean, that’s a sign. Did you guys run out of chickens and pigs and cows?”

Not even close.

“You fuckers should stick to them. Remember what happened when you ate monkey? What happened?”

AIDS.

“Right! AIDS! Stop eating weird animals.”

But we also got the avian flu from chickens, the regular flu from pigs, and smallpox from cows.

…

“Huh. Guess you’re right. Have you tried being vegetarians?”

India has. But not China. They throw vegetarians in camps there. You’d rather be a Uighur than a vegetarian in China.

“Rough place. But that doesn’t matter to me anymore. How you gonna keep a boy on the farm once he’s seen the city? They call me Mr. Worldwide!”

No, they don’t.

“They will. Gimme a couple more weeks. I’m going viral.”

Right.

“Literally. I am literally–”

We all got it.

“–going viral.”

Understood.

“Well, the young people don’t understand who started that shit. Viruses were spreading throughout social networks before memes were a glimmer in Richard Dawkins’ eye.”

Everyone forgets he invented memes.

“He got religion.”

True. So you’re airborne now, huh?

“I mutated. Can humans do that?”

Isolated breeding groups evolve over time.

“No, I mean growing a third arm because you need one. And then instantly letting every other member of the species know how to do it.”

We cannot do that.

“Useful skill. Not gonna lie. Very helpful.”

I hope they invent a vaccine for you.

“Dude, you’d rather have autism than me? Rude.”

Stop that. You’re making people sick. I have every right to dislike you.

“Oh, I’m not that bad. I’m only 2% lethal.”

That means if everyone in America go you, six million people would die.

“Just old people and children and the chronically ill.”

That’s your argument? ‘I’ll only kill babies’ is your argument?

“And the elderly! Babies and Betty White.”

YOU’RE A MONSTER!

“Yeah. I’m the one who ate the bat.”