Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: david bowie (Page 2 of 3)

This Is Not The Greatest Concert In The World; This Is Just A Tribute, Volume II

  • Okay, so, to recap: Freddie’s dead, Rock and Roll marches on, and the sun is setting on Wembley Stadium.
  • Bunch of groups came out and played, but now it’s What’s Left Of Queen as the house band backing up singers.
  • (There are also a shitload of backing musicians and an entire choir, but that’s neither here nor there.)
  • Hey, it’s Tony Iommi!
  • Someone warn Lita Ford.
  • And now Roger Daltrey is doing his mic-swinging nonsense.
  • These men were impossibly old when I watched this in 1992.
  • They’re all around my age.
  • Everyone’s still got their hair and waistlines.
  • Lefties shouldn’t be allowed to play guitar; it looks odd and confuses me.
  • Those nuns who used to violently coerce the naturally left-handed into being righties knew what they were doing.
  • Well, that was harmless.
  • Bye, Rog.
  • What the fuck is this?
  • Zucchero?
  • What the Zucc is this?
  • Get this sweaty greaseball off my stage.
  • And they’re playing Las Palabras De Amor, too, which is a dreadful song.
  • Seriously, who is this?
  • Ah, shit, he’s Italian.
  • I retract the “greaseball” comment.
  • But, c’mon, look at this fat bastard.
  • You could cook a chicken in his leavings.
  • He’s sold 60 million records?
  • Jesus, the world has terrible taste in music.
  • Fuck off, Zucc.
  • Dammit, Gary Cherone’s back.
  • Ooh, Hammer To Fall.
  • Or, as Freddie used to announce it, “HAMMADAFAAAAW!”
  • Gary’s still wearing his saddle shoes and he simply will not stop shimmying.
  • And Tony Iommi’s still up there looking miserable and poorly-coiffed.
  • Tony Iommi has never had a good haircut.
  • Not once.
  • Oh, no, Gary Cherone.
  • He is doing the Rock Move where he stands right next to Brian and shares the mic with him.
  • Get the fuck away from Brian May, Gary Cherone.
  • Go bother Eddie Van Halen.
  • AND STOP SHIMMYING, GODDAMMIT.
  • Look at this shit, man:
  • Did you see that shit, man?
  • Not right.
  • On my list: left-handed guitarists and that motherfucker.
  • Stone Cold Crazy time.
  • SleepingverysoundlyonaSaturdaymorningIwasdreamingIwasAlCapone…
  • Hetfield’s singing.
  • Without a guitar.
  • He looks lost and scared.
  • Like a turtle without his shell.
  • And he’s just kinda pacing back and forth and has no idea what to do with his arms.
  • It’s adorable.
  • Oh, now he’s air-guitaring.
  • And it’s not adorable any more.
  • He does have a vest on.
  • No word whether or not he stole it from Def Leppard’s drummer.
  • PERCY!
  • Hey, fucker!
  • I wrote about you a few weeks ago.
  • You didn’t come off well.
  • He’s wearing some sort of tunic/scarf combo.
  • I can’t tell if the scarf is part of the tunic or they are separate components.
  • Rock Stars and their complicated clothing.
  • At the show, Percy did Innuendo with the band, but it sucked and they cut it for the video release; he gets to do Crazy Little Thing.
  • He’s doing his usual bullshit.
  • Imagine Robert Plant singing Crazy Little Thing Called Love.
  • There you go.
  • That’s how it sounds.
  • There are no surprises here.
  • The three live Queens started planning this show the night Freddie died, and I don’t say that to accuse them of buzzardism or anything.
  • It is absofuckinglutely what Freddie would have wanted.
  • I’m surprised he didn’t organize it himself.
  • Jesus, Brian’s singing a ballad while accompanying himself on the piano.
  • Not like this.
  • NOT LIKE THIS.
  • Dire.
  • Fuckin’ dire.
  • Guess what the song’s called.
  • Guess.
  • You won’t get it even if you’re the biggest Queen fan.
  • Brian is singing, in honor of a man who just died of AIDS, a song entitled Too Much Love Will Kill You.
  • I’m gonna call Brian “Nostrils” because he is on the nose.
  • Perhaps we see here the genesis of the “evil, evil homosex” theme of Bohemian Rhapsody.
  • I’m still pissed off about that fucking movie, by the way.
  • Yes, Brian.
  • Too much love will kill you in the end.
  • Why don’t you just say “Buttsex murdered my friend?”
  • Everyone is going to the Problem Attic.
  • Paul Young?
  • Who?
  • Guy’s got four notes in his range.
  • And he looks like a half-melted George Michael.
  • I’m bored.
  • Fuck you, Paul Young.
  • Jesus, even your name is boring.
  • They wasted Radio Gaga on this guy?
  • Lady Gaga should have sang Radio Gaga.
  • I know she was eight, but she’s just that talented.
  • There is no way Paul Young didn’t buy his trousers at Chess King.
  • I had a pair of those pants.
  • Ugh, pleats.
  • Take this lump off my teevee, please.
  • Lefties, Gary Cherone, and Paul Young: all getting it in the ear.
  • Someone still loves you.
  • Not you, Paul Young.
  • No one loves you.
  • I almost fast-forwarded through you.
  • Brian introduces the back-up singing ladies.
  • They do not get last names.
  • Oh, Lord, it’s Seal.
  • The dream of the 90’s is alive at the Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert.
  • I’ll give this to Western Civilization: we were the only ones to invent the Tribute Concert.
  • Ming Dynasty just did vases.
  • Not one show-ending super-jam.
  • Just vases.
  • Anyway, Seal is wearing enormous spectacles.
  • The size of those fuckers!
  • Most people wouldn’t have the balls to wear glasses that massive.
  • Or the neck strength.
  • Seal might be imbuing Who Wants To Live Forever, which keen-eyed Enthusiasts will spot as originating on the Highlander soundtrack, with a bit more sincerity than the song deserves.
  • It’s not a metaphor.
  • It’s literally about living forever via chopping off the heads of other Immortals.
  • Camp it up a bit, Scarface.
  • He is the only black guy at the whole show, though.
  • And now Lisa Stansfield is here to sing I Want To Break Free.
  • Remember Lisa Stansfield?
  • She’s back.
  • In Pog form.
  • Were this concert held today, the part of Lisa Stansfield would be played by Jessie J.
  • Or perhaps one of the members of Little Mix.
  • I love this fucking song so much.
  • I would lend this song money for a bus ticket out of town to escape an abusive relationship.
  • All right, that’s enough Lisa Stansfield for the next twenty years.
  • BOWIE.
  • And Annie Lennox as Raccoon Dracula.
  • Told you.
  • Here, watch it:

  • Did you watch it?
  • I told you to watch it.
  • Why don’t you listen?
  • Lefties, Gary, Paul Young, and you.
  • List is growing, man.
  • Oh.
  • I just remembered that Bowie is dead and now I’m sad.
  • Maybe if we all clap, he’ll come back to us.
  • Clap, children!
  • Clap for TinkerBowie!
  • Did it work?
  • No?
  • Well, try harder.
  • Hey, it’s Mott the Hoople!
  • Ronson and Hunter!
  • Yay!
  • All The Young Dudes!
  • Yay!
  • What the fuck does any of this have to do with Freddie?
  • And, Jesus Christ, who told David Bowie he was allowed to bring his saxophone?
  • Jeff Leppard on backing vocals, doing the traditional hand-to-ear pose.
  • Heroes?
  • They’re doing Heroes now?
  • The big Queen hit song Heroes?
  • This would piss Freddie off.
  • “It’s my tribute concert, darling. If he wants to play his songs, then let him fucking well die.”
  • Credit where it’s due: Queen is hell of a backing band.
  • Try clapping again for Bowie.
  • Just try.
  • Oh, David.
  • He’s dropped to his knees and he’s saying the Lord’s Prayer.
  • Not inclusive, Dave.
  • Get up.
  • Stop this.
  • You’re embarrassing your hair, David Bowie.
  • Leave God out of this.
  • Yay, George Michael!
  • Ah, for fuck’s sake, he’s dead, too.
  • What the shit, God?
  • You’re back in this now.
  • I know I said to leave You out of it, but You’re kind of a prick, huh?
  • Paul Young is still touring.
  • But you took Bowie and George Michael.
  • Douchebag.
  • It’s the Acoustic Mini-Set!
  • The world turns, but always returns to its origin.
  • Nothing changes; everything lasts.
  • And back out comes Lisa Stansfield, whom I thought I was rid of, to duet with George on These Are The Days Of Our Lives.
  • Woman’s got a pair of legs on her.
  • Ankles, shins, calves, knees, thighs.
  • Two of each!
  • Legs, man.
  • Backstory while they’re dirging this away: all 72,000 seats were sold before any guests were announced.
  • People just figured that some impressive fuckers, and Paul Young, would show up.
  • SOMEBODY TO LOVE.
  • George fucking kills this.
  • I’m just gonna shut the fuck up and watch.
  • Join me:

  • Right?
  • If that don’t give you goosebumps, then you done lost your goose.
  • Climax of the show right there.
  • BUT NO!
  • THE KING OF HOMOSEXUALS APPEARS!
  • It’s Sir Elton, everybody!
  • Singing Bohemian Rhapsody an octave too low, and wearing a fetching pair of leather slacks, a fringed cowboy jacket, and what I believe is his Sunday-go-to-meeting hairpiece.
  • “Hi, my name’s Frank. I love line dancing, traveling, and I didn’t kill my first wife. Don’t listen to the cops; they’re liars. Can I buy you a Singapore Sling?”
  • It’s the tape section!
  • Queen never played the opera part of BoRhap live: they left the stage and let the tape play while the light rig flashed.
  • And then they blew some shit up and played the loud part.
  • Everyone was happy with the arrangement.
  • AXL!
  • IN A FUCKING LEATHER KILT!
  • LOOK HOW AXL HE IS!
  • THAT IS THE MOST AXL THAT AXL COULD BE!
  • I’ll stop yelling.
  • Axl is so cool, man.
  • People were mad that he was invited to participate in this show.
  • Partially because Axl, while now woke, used to be an enormous shitbag homophobe.
  • 50-year-old Axl hates Trump, but the one in the picture?
  • That fucker would’ve had on a MAGA hat, I guarantee it.
  • People change, even if they’re Axl Rose.
  • Look how worn out the Rock has made Axl:
  • It’s like he’s been through a trauma.
  • Look how proud Elton is, though.
  • “Good for you, William. You didn’t start one single riot! I knew you had it in you.”
  • (Can’t you totally see Elton John calling Axl “William?”)
  • Now Elton’s doing The Show Must Go On, which is a brilliant song, but they’ve shifted it down a few keys so he could hit the notes and energy is lost.
  • Ugh, and Tony Iommi’s back.
  • Kiss my dick, Tony Iommi.
  • How do you beat up Lita Ford?
  • She was a fucking Runaway!
  • I mean, you shouldn’t hit any women.
  • But especially not one who was in the Runaways.
  • Those chicks dealt with enough bullshit already.
  • BOOM BOOM THWACK!
  • BOOM BOOM THWACK!
  • Holy shit, Axl’s back and he’s changed outfits again.
  • I couldn’t love him more.
  • White leather jacket, white spandex bike shorts, black Doc Martens.
  • And the bandana, of course.
  • Axl does not skip leg day.
  • He’s doing his little kick-y dance and just being as Axl as possible.
  • How Axl is Axl?
  • He is that Axl.
  • (I don’t know what to call that Rock Move. Is it a vertical Worm? I want to call it the Shazbot, but I have no reason why. “Shazbot” just popped into my head.)
  • And now here’s Liza Minelli.

  • The crowd did not know what to do with the information that Liza was coming out.
  • The English were confused.
  • Fuck ’em: Liza was brilliant.
  • And she is LIZA with a Z.
  • Big ol’ show biz smile plastered on her pixie cut, over-emoting the shit out of We Are The Champions, pilled-up: LIZA.
  • The only way Liza could have been more Liza during this performance is if she had entered into a disastrous marriage halfway through the second verse.
  • If you don’t wanna watch:
  • Yup, that’s Jeff Leppard.
  • Liza is vamping over the outro and it’s glorious.
  • Okay, folks.
  • That’s all there is.
  • Don’t get AIDS.
  • Otherwise, Paul Young will show up.

The Face Of Rock

You don’t know who this is. Pretty little thing. Looks like a rocking-type fellow, right? Maybe he was the rhythm guitarist for Humble Pie, or the drummer for The Sweet or something like that.

Nope.

His name’s Pierre LaRoche, and Pierre was a makeup artist. Nowadays, the job is initialized as MUA, which my brain always reads as a the sound of a large Jewish aunt air-kissing someone she hates, and you can get rich and famous doing it, but in the 70’s you could create two of the most iconic looks in pop culture history and be completely forgotten to the point where you don’t even warrant a Wikipedia page. You don’t know who Pierre LaRoche is.

But you do.

Pierre LaRoche designed Ziggy’s lightning bolt look, and also gave him a face to go with that dreamy blue suit and wild red mullet.

You remember that:

And that would be enough, one would think; call it a day, Pierre! Sit your skinny Gallic ass down and chain-smoke and complain about the food. You deserve a break.

But Pierre LaRoche did not take a break. Instead, he went to work for a low-budget film based on a no-budget play about a sweet couple named Brad (who was an asshole) and Janet (who was a slut). Neither Brad nor Janet needed much makeup, but the bad guy did.

Pierre LaRoche did this:

Frank and Ziggy: each face came from the same Frenchman’s mind, and we never got to thank him. Pierre LaRoche died in 1991 of exactly what you’d assume a makeup artist would have died from in 1991.

But now you know who he is.

 

(With thanks to Mr. Completely for hipping me to this secret knowledge.)

Eight Thoughts About Heroes

ONE

David Bowie held a microphone in the most British way he could think of.

TWO

It’s not a riff. Riffs are chunky, and they stop and start. It’s a line.

WOOOOOOOOwaaaaaWEEEEEEEwooooo.

Robert Fripp played it on the record, which makes sense. It’s not music a human would come up with.

THREE

Every band should have a half-naked Puerto Rican playing percussion while dancing like his dick’s on fire. Shit, everything should have a half-naked Puerto Rican playing percussion while dancing like his dick’s on fire : Little League games, funerals, appendectomies.

FOUR

He changed the words around, or maybe the song changed its own words around.

These are the first lines from the recorded version:

I…I wish you could swim
Like the dolphins, like dolphins can swim
Though nothing, nothing will keep us together

But a few years later, he started singing this verse first:

You…you can be mean
And I…I’ll drink all the time.
Cause we’re lovers, and that is a fact

The second way’s better.

FIVE

Essay Question #1: Compare and contrast Heroes to Queen’s We Are The Champions.

SIX

Best part: false ending. (The false ending is the best part of any song with a false ending. Old tricks get to be old because they always work.)

Second-best part: WHAT’D I SAY? I SAID IIIIIIIIIIIIIII…

SEVEN

I could be king.
And you could be my queen.

And just for one day, at that.

It’s a sad song. All of the best songs are secretly sad.

EIGHT

I won’t mention the “FEED THE WORLD” sign in between the Pepsi and Kodak ads if you won’t.

Way Down In The South Of France

Fun fact: the Dead’s impromptu show is nowhere near the most impressive Rock Nerd trivia about the Château d’Hérouville. The Boys went to Europe twice before the famous ’72 tour, both times to play only one show because it took the Grateful Dead a while to learn about scalable economics. (That was actually a theme before Cutler taught them how to make money touring: they would play a week in New York, and then fly to Hawaii, and then back to California, and then one night in Texas. It’s like the schedule was decided upon by stoned hippies voting on stuff.)

Both trips were to play at hippie festivals: the European kids had heard about the Be-Ins and Woodstock, and they wanted a piece of the California dream. The first one was 5/24/70 in Newcastle.

“Hey, Jer.”

“Yeah, Bob?’

“We’re bringing dope to Newcastle.”

“Good one, Bob.”

It was cold and muddy, but Elvis Costello was there and the band played as well as they could with their stiff little fingers.

In 1971, the Dead flew back to perform at another festival, this time in France at a place called Auvers-sur-Oise. But it rained, and so the show was cancelled. As usual, the band had found a benefactor to keep them in the lifestyle they’d grown accustomed to: Michael Magne was a French film composer–he did the score for Barbarella–and he hosted the Dead’s whole party at the Château d’Hérouville.

He had the space. The main house was built in 1740 and had 30 rooms in two wings. Chopin used to live there. Van Gogh painted it.

Look:

And now it was occupied by a bored horde of hairy Americans, one of whom kept walking up to viscounts and asking them how to say “Please punch me in the dick,” in French, and when they told him they would get punched in the dick. If you don’t give the Grateful Dead something to do, then they’ll amuse themselves through destruction; they’re like border collies with arrest records.

Well, why don’t we do the show right here?

Precarious had to be talked into leaving America, but he didn’t let his reluctance affect his skills.

The Dead kicked ass that night. It was loose and groovy and people got wild and real with each other. (Obviously, the punch was spiked and–as in all of these stories–the cops wound up taking off their clothes and dancing.) You can listen to it.

Hell, you can watch it:

(I suspect the film crew was there to shoot the festival and got invited to the party.)

You might say, “TotD, what could be cooler than an impromptu Dead show that somehow became one of the handful of performances captured on video?”

And I would say, “GODDAMMIT, DON’T HELP ME. I CAN DO IT ALL BY MYSELF.”

And you would be like, “Whatever, asshole.”

And I would buy you flowers, but the wrong kind and you would make a face, and then I would beat you with the bouquet of flowers, which is an on-the-nose metaphor but it’ll do.

After the Dead played the Château d’Hérouville, Michael Magne converted it into a studio for rock and rolling types, and all sorts of silly-looking people came by to record albums.

How about Bowie?

He recorded most of Pin-Ups there, which was the covers album and is not the reason people were so sad when he died.

Or the Pink Floyd Sound, maaaaaan?

Hey, look: it’s Roger Waters! And David Gilmour! And another guy! Maybe he’s Pink? (They recorded Obscured by Clouds at the Château.)

And Iggy and T. Rex and the MC5 and Joan Armatrading and Cat Stevens and Bad Company and Elton John. This was the Honky Château, and Elton also recorded Goodby, Yellow Brick Road here.

He looked like this:

Yellow Brick Road sold 30 million copies, and it’s nearly perfect: sloppy and bulging and fizzing over like a proper double album, but it’s still not the coolest thing about the Château.

The Bee-Gees recorded this and How Deep is Your Love at the Château, and now that Van Gogh doodle doesn’t seem so impressive, does it?

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