Did you take this picture with Kevin Nealon’s dick?

“Not enough pixels.”

Tim Meadows around?

“No. Tim’s a great guy.”

I’m sure he is. Ask Spade when he’s gonna finish the Joe Dirt Trilogy.

“I won’t ask him that.”

The Dirtogy. He left a lot of loose ends in that second picture.

“I’m sure he didn’t.”

He did. The witch transformed Joe into a Douglas Fir, and then Tim Allen and his son cut him down to use as a Christmas tree in an equally shitty, but better-budgeted, holiday film. We never found out whether Joe managed to win the talent show and raise the money to save the abortion clinic. It got a bit weird at the end.

“None of that happened. Wait, was there really a second Joe Dirt movie?”

Oh, yeah. It came out on Crackle.

“Crackle?”

Crackle.

“Work’s work.”

Speaking of which…

…what is this?

“That’s the poster for my upcoming Asian tour. I’m excited, man.”

Several of these countries are dangerous hellholes that no civilized man should even approach, where the food is inedible and the locals are too dumb to master English.

“You’re talking about Australia, right?”

Clearly.

“Aussies are wonderful people. They love my music.”

They love crime, John. Australians love crime and compelling people to vote. Their entire continent is a blasted saltpan in the middle of the Pacific with wee-itty-bitty green patches clinging to the sides of it; God didn’t want people there, and He made the fact quite clear.

“I’ll relay your opinions.”

See if you could meet Yahoo Serious when you’re down there.

“I would like that, actually.”

Dude, Budokan?

“Dude, Budokan.”

You should play a Cheap Trick song when you’re there.

“Maybe.”

You should just play Cheap Trick when you’re there. Instead of your material.

“I was about to say, ‘See, this is nice. We’re just talking like two decent people. No anger and weird phone calls.’ and then you have to be a dick.”

Y’know what? I’m sorry. Out of line.

“I accept your apology.”

One thing is confusing me, though.

“What?”

Well, you’ve heard that K-pop stuff, right?

“Sure.”

So, clearly, the Koreans love shitty music. Why aren’t you playing Seoul?

“I’m gonna go be rich and famous with my rich and famous friend David Spade.”

Ask him about Joe Dirt.