Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: dead & company (Page 31 of 38)

When You Smile For The Camera

john mayer katy perry vacation
“That’s really you, John?”

“It’s me, John Mayer. That terrible Texas person kidnapped me, Katy-doodle–”

“Don’t call me that.”

“–and put on a sim-suit to pitch woo at you but I escaped and saved you.”

“I sent my security guys to rescue you.”

“Smile!”

“Cheese!”

“Now pouty!”

“Pouty!”

“Now take out those million-dollar boobies and shake ’em at me like they were misbehaving babies!”

“What?”

“Take me to the produce section and show me your cantaloupes.”

“Excuse me?”

“Put me on the bus to titty-town.”

“Stop that.”

“Gimme them naughty bumpy lumps!”

…

“Are you Billy in a sim-suit?”

“Dammit.”

“SECURITY!”

MEANWHILE, IN FRONT STREET

“Are they all going to take a turn?”

SOMETIMES THEY GET FIXATED ON AN IDEA AND EXPLORE IT FROM MANY ANGLES.

“What the hell is a sim-suit, anyway?”

HAVE YOU SEEN A MISSION IMPOSSIBLE? THERE HAVE BEEN MANY.

“Sure.”

LIKE THE MASKS IN THOSE FILMS, BUT FULL-BODY.

“That makes no sense.”

AND YET HERE YOU ARE, TIED UP AND TALKING TO A SOUND SYSTEM FROM 1974. LIFE GOES ON WHETHER OR NOT YOU UNDERSTAND IT.

…

“Who makes the sim-suits?”

ALEMBIC.

Head & Company

deadandco atlanta onstage

Hey, Dead & Company.

“Oh, hey. Hi.”

“Sup.”

“Hey.”

“Ass!”

“How are ya?”

“I’m still in the band! I’m off to the right, I swear!”

Hey, Jeff. So: big raves for the show last night, guys. Everybody’s loving it. Great job.

“Well, you know…when you follow your bliss, the hosannas–if you will–come, um, you know: rolling in.”

“I’ve been soloing since October!”

“Please tell these people to stop calling me Branford.”

“Checks cashed!”

“Drumming!”

“I haven’t been arrested in months!”

Good work, Jeff.

“Glad you showed up, actually. Wanted, um, wanted to ask ya something. Here’s the thing: this guy showed up and we figured it had something to do with you.”

…

Was he from Texas?

“Oh, yeah.”

Dammit.

roy head black nudie suit
You can’t be here.

“YOU STARTED THIS, JEWBOY!”

Goddammit.

The High Desert

IMG_2742
Hey, Billy.

“Thoughts on my Ass! How’s it hanging?”

Low and lazy. How much attention you paying?

“Enough.”

Tour treating you okay?

“Haven’t got on a plane back to Kauai yet. It was 65 degrees in Atlanta today, y’know? Global warming makes touring in the winter a lot easier. Shit, man: we used to go to Buffalo in March. March in fuckin’ Buffalo? It’s like getting raped by a Yeti.”

That is both offensive and nonsensical.

“You should hear the offers, man. Guaranteed twenty mil for Fenway. Headlining Bonnawhatever or that other one in the desert all the famous fuckers go to. Couple guys want to build a whole new festival around us.”

That sounds risky.

“Yeah, these guys were clueless. One of ’em was Benjy in a fake mustache.”

That must have been awkward.

“Well, yeah, plus he just stuck the fake mustache on top of his actual mustache. It was Cesar Romero-levels of not committing to your makeup.”

Respect the craft.

“That’s what I’m saying. How about England? The Mayer kid’s big there, plus we still got a bunch of fans over there. They can carpool to the shows with Elvis Costello.”

There’s an offer?

“On the table. But why go to Europe, man? I like Vegas.”

…

Oh, God, someone offered a Vegas residency, didn’t they?

“Heh.”

« Older posts Newer posts »