Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: dead.net

An Open Letter To The Dead.Net Comment Section

Dear Dead.Net Comment Section,

Who did this to you, Dead.Net Comment Section? Who hurt you like this to inspire such confused fusillades of fury? You lash out against your surroundings like a hungry baby wolverine; you are made of teeth and opinions, D.NCS.

Today’s announcement that Dave’s Picks Volume 23 would be the legendary 1/22/78 show from Eugene, Oregon should have been a joyous occasion, like a bris, but instead you’ve turned it terrible, like a surprise bris. (Movie idea: ninja moils. Silent Semitic shadow-stalkers slice schmeckels. Someone call Amir Bar-Lev.)

At first, you let your 80’s Truther flag fly and denigrated David Lemieuxvebitchgetouttheway as a boob and a nitwit. One of you accused him of being sexually aroused by lakes, which is in all likelihood true, and many of you ended your missives with “Sad!” or “Sick!” or “No Russia!” Within a few hours, though, the message board took a hard left and began castigating DL for the fact that the release–which, if I’ll remind you, you all objected to vigorously–was sold out.

D.NCS, I had to check that I wasn’t on Reddit while I was reading you. That is no compliment.

But I write not strictly to complain. That’s your job. I have a solution: be like my Comment Section. It’s lovely in there, if a bit odd, and there is virtually no bitching except when I write about punching Nazis, and I learned my lesson on that one. Look at my Comment Section, D.NCS! It is affable and sometimes helpful, and has mostly learned how to post images. If it were a dog, it would a St. Bernard. Lazy, good-hearted, fond of brandy, and drooling. If you were a dog, D.NCS, you would be a dog complaining about David Lemieux.

In conclusion: everyone can see you, D.NCS. Please behave for the gentiles.

Love And Other Indoor Sports,
Thoughts on the Dead

I Know We’ll Be There Soon

I’m just going to be honest with you, Enthusiasts: I have no fucking clue what this is. The closest I can get to an understanding is that sometime in the late 90’s, the Grateful Dead was going to open up some sort of facility called Terrapin Station. I’d be more specific, but I can’t. Look at the paragraph explaining what Terrapin Station is:

TERRAPIN STATION is programmed to recreate and enhance the feeling of a Grateful Dead concert. As part of this idea, the facility is designed to be a physical manifestation of what it might be like to walk into a Grateful Dead song list – like a Grateful Dead concert, Terrapin Station will be arranged around two “sets” of music. This reality is about all that any person going to a Grateful Dead show can count on. The rest of the experience is left up to the visitor to explore, touch, gaze, and ultimately to find their own meaning for their visit. There will be more than enough entertainment capacity within Terrapin Station, changing over time, so that not everything will be able to be seen during one visit.

That’s not from some “About” page deep within the site: it’s the initial sales pitch, and I have absolutely no idea what Terrapin Station is at this point, other than I’ll need to see it more than once. The graf is halfway to a Markov chain; I don’t think English is the writer’s first language. Maybe not even second.

Here’s what I can piece together, though: it’s a museum. And a restaurant. Also a venue. A bar. Private bar for rich people.

Hotel.

terrapin-station

A hotel. The Grateful Dead thought they were going to build themselves a hotel. They’re adorable. They even had a model made. Look:

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Bobby brought his action figures to the meeting, and used the model as a playset. PEW PEW, Bobby made the laser noise while Phil pretended to not notice and tried to have a serious talk with the architect about the use of sacred geometry in the men’s rooms.

Obviously, the archives of Dead.net need some more exploring: what other pipe dreams are in there? I’ll keep you updated.

Actual News You Weren’t Supposed To Know Yet

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So: here’s why the Dave’s Pick Volume 20 announcement has been so delayed, I suppose. This is, overall, good news: Dead.net looks like a Geocities holdover, and everything is impossible to find (which is a good thing in the case of the forums) and also the name is crap. The Dead’s site shouldn’t be “Dead.net,” it should be Gratefuldead.com.

And now it is:

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I have a feeling that someone was going to make an announcement about this soon, and it was supposed to be a surprise, but I’m a fucking journalist, man.

You Better Head Back To Tennessee, Comrade

A commenter named Jason over at Dead.net takes a break from accusing David “24 Hours Of” LeMieuxns of things to post this:

Dead show in Soviet Era Moscow???

I can’t find it in the show list, and want to fact check my story.

In 1977 I took a quarter off from school (Berkeley) and accompanied my father on a State-Department sponsored visit to Dirty-War-era Argentina. Our host was the Cultural Attache, which, he explained, was usually translated in South America as “La Cia.” He winked.

He told me that a previous posting had been in Moscow, and he had been part of a team that got the Dead to do a concert there (or maybe it was in then-Leningrad), and that in terms of subverting the dominant paradigm (my words not his!) it had been a smashing success.

I would have thought it was on the 1972 tour, but I don’t see it on the list. Is my story false? Surely no one will accuse me of having been duped by a CIA agent!

Jason, I only wish you had brought this to my attention, rather than squander your energies in the Dead.net comment section, which is like a mall for poor people that is also on fire. Answers will not be found there, unless you are asking the question “Whose first show was also coincidentally the BEST SHOW EVAR?”

TotD knows the truth.

You are no dupe.

The Grateful Dead played Moscow on 6/2,3/72 at the Rossiya Theatre. Setlists were classified, and the entire Taper’s Section was executed during the setbreak, but now–at last–the true story can be told of The Boys behind the Iron Curtain.

The whole adventure can be properly classified as “another one of CIA’s dumbfuck ideas,” but no one got killed on purpose (except the tapers, but they should have known what was going to happen) which makes it palatable. The term “Cold War” tends to elide the fact that America and Russia talked constantly at all levels of government: summits and proxy wars and cultural exchange. The Dead show was part of the last category, although a proxy war did break out just a little; also, Mickey called what he did to Commie chicks “summiting” and you don’t want me to explain it.

The State Department (and the CIA) had sent some college bands over, and classical musicians, but the goal was to foment a little love for America, and you weren’t going to do that with a piccolo player: you needed rock and roll. Our men in Moscow met with their Commie counterparts to sell the show:

“Who is Grateful Dead, Jenkins? Like Beatles?”

“Kinda, Yuri. Kinda like them, sorta.”

“Is nice boys?”

“Boys. They are boys. And Mrs. Donna Jean.”

“Show me picture.”

“Yuch.”

“They’re very stylish, Yuri.”

“They’re weird-looking.”

“No. No. No. And they’re a little bit communists.”

“Shto?”

“Well, you know: Cowboy Communism.”

“I do not know what this is.”

“They believe in sharing, but also shoot at people who stop by the house uninvited.”

“This is not Communism. Look at them. Hairy Mexican. Pretty boy. Mess. Mess. Mess. Pretty Lady. That one in hat is dead, I think.”

“Only mostly dead.”

“No! This cannot come into Worker’s Paradise. Will be counter-revolutionary.”

“They have dancing bears.”

“Serious? Why did you not say this first? What dates they have available?”

After the European tour concluded in London, the buses containing the Bozos and the Bolos turned East and made their way across the European continent. They drove through Poland, where Billy told many jokes, and Czechoslovakia, which no one knew how to spell. The road to Moscow (the worst of the Hope/Crosby comedies, by the way) led through Belarus, whcih no one knew anything about, and Albania; when the Dead got to Albania, they asked many questions, such as, “Wha?” and “Are they kidding?” and “Is this entire country wearing their crazypants?” and “Did someone just steal the Bolo bus?”

Limping, crowded, into the Soviet Union, the Dead were taken to their hotel; Phil found it unsatisfactory, and Billy–crazed from the trip–tossed a Lada through the lobby window. It was explained to Phil that there were no good hotels in the entire country; Billy was distracted news of how favorable the exchange rate for tuggers was; further incidents were avoided.

The shows were reportedly good: Sam Cutler dosed the concession stand borscht, and the little Communist children boogied all night long. A young Vladimir Putin was in attendance the second night; he declared the group “decadent filth” and ordered Ned Lagin murdered.

The KGB was notably tolerant towards the group, especially after Bear found all of their hidden microphones and upgrade them for free. After that, instead of bugs, an agent just sat in the hotel room taking notes. The Dead felt that was more upfront, at least, and naturally dosed all the agents.

On the morning of the Fourth, the buses were declared the property of the People, and the Dead were tranquilized like zoo animals and shipped back to America. To this day, none of them are quite sure the whole weekend happened, but Mickey’s still got the t-shirt.

Dark Horse

The comments over at Dead.net are a constant source of fun. In their defense, they seem like nice enough guys and they pay enough attention to their grammar for my head not to explode, but they’ve groupthought themselves into a frothing pout over the lack–the DEARTH, fucker!–of product from the 1980’s.

Picasso had his blue period. The Dead had a period that blew.

Actually, two: Garcia’s rebirth, combined with Phil remembering he was in a band somewhere around ’87, gave them a few years of grace; they sizzle and smoke on, say, the MSG shows from ’88. Then Brent went and Garcia got so much smaller after that, suffering that old fate of Ophelia.

To hear the lunatics over there, you’d think there actually was a Big Dead trying to keep the fact that 1983 was the band’s peak under wraps.

Um, there IS actually a Big Dead trying–

No.

to keep the…No, what?

No, I believe in Big Dead. You’re the voice of reason in these little sketches. Normal-type guy says something kooky and then you, Italics Man, contradict me.

You’re right.

I know I’m right. Read your fucking script, man.

I am such a–fuck, I’m gonna go.

Maybe you should, yeah.

Are..you..going to–

You have NO IDEA what it’s like to work with this guy, man!

I can dig it.

I’m going to my imaginary trailer.

That’s five, everybody!

Good Lovin’

The Dead used to masturbate together. Not just in the old days, when Pig would whip out his thick, greasy hog and announce, “Let’s put our hands IN our pockets!” No, it was a constant throughout the years. Lineup changes, health problems, financial chaos? The music got them through, along with regular sessions of group masturbation. It was men being men together and, occasionally, all over each other. And what could be wrong with that?

Oh, hell, I can’t hold on to this horrible knowledge any longer: the Dead were gay. Very, very gay. And much like metal fans with Rob Halford and Ronnie James Dio, we had absolutely no idea. This the kind of thing that Dead.net won’t tell you, my friends! LOOK AT THE EVIDENCES!

Do I even have to make the joke about Garcia being a bear and Bobby being a twink and Phil being the guy at the orgy still wearing socks?

Ramrod. His name was Ramrod. No matter where on the planet you are, if you get into a taxi and say “Ramrod,” you will be taken to a gay bar.

Mustaches, mustaches, mustaches.

(Okay, this has to stop: I’m just taking out some frustration on you, Fellow Enthusiast. Sitting here listening to 2/23/93–Ornette Coleman sits in for the last half of the second set and they open up with a Mardi Gras-infused Iko Iko and IT’S AWESOME except I’m breaking rules all over the place: a Vince? Listening to a Vince, even with Ornette Coleman? PLUS, I’m listening to drums->space and IT’S AWESOME, TOO and now I’m worried that I’m turning into one of those drums->space people and the only step after that is quibbling about different recordings of the same show. That’s no life at all.)

(Oh, right: the Dead are, of course, not actually practicing homosexuals, which, of course, would be perfectly fine and would probably be real good for Mickey. He needs some masculine energy around. Not Billy, though. Let’s face it, Billy was gonna be punching anyone you placed in front of him. Also, I don’t think Dio’s gay: like always, I will be sticking to my ban on research of any sort. If Dio were gay, though, he’d be roaming around the fantasy world of Homoslavia with his giant penis sword, riding on top of a penis dragon, and penising everything around him with his penis. Penis.)