“Settle. Settle down. We meet once again to discuss the impeachment of Donald Trump, President of the United States. Perhaps one day, we will be freed from this legislative hell, but not today. And perhaps also my Republican colleagues will get a sense of decorum. But today, they have brought a sign.”
JIM JORDAN UNROLLING A POSTER THAT SAYS “SCHIFF IS A CHOAD” IN COMIC SANS NOISE
“Very mature, Congressman Jordan.”
“Choad!”
“The gentleman will suspend. We have two witnesses this morning, but the sake of comic clarity, we’re just going to interview one of them. It’s a dialogue-based bit; it gets confusing if there’s too many characters. To that end, we welcome the former top official in charge of Russia on the National Security Council, Dr. Fiona Hill. Thank you for appearing, Dr. Hill.”
“Thank you for having me.”
“Dr. Hill, tell the committee a little about your background.”
“I was born in the dirty, Druidy part of England. My father was a coal miner, and my mother a fishwife. I saw the sun once, when I was six, and was severely thrashed for it by a handful of nuns. My village had a fourth-division football team, and the highest incident of three-eyed kids in all of Great Britain. I had nine sisters, originally, but the Irish killed two and the sea took one. It was a rough kind of place. Hardscrabble.”
“It certainly does sound like a hardscrabble upbringing.”
“What? No, that was the name of the village. Hardscrabble-Upon-Scrumpthrop. Such memories.”
“And after that?”
“Harvard, doctorate, fellowships. As one does.”
“Dr. Hill, I’m going to yield the rest of my time to the ranking member of the minority party, Congressman Nunes, because I think it’s going to be funny as hell. Devin?”
“Thank you, Chairman Schiff, for allowing me to take part in this embarrassing and sad spectacle run by crybabies and bedwetters. Dr. Hill, good morning.”
“Howja do.”
“Dr. Hill, how can you be sure that Ukraine is not actually America’s greatest enemy?”
“How can I be sure?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“By thinking about it? Reading a book or two?”
“You are aware of Halloween?”
“The holiday?”
“Yes. The holiday.”
“I am aware of Halloween, yes.”
“Then you know that sometimes people like to play dress-up! Disguise themselves as Captain Americas and spooky ghosts, but that’s not who they are. They’re just liars, Dr. Hill. Maybe that’s what’s going on with Ukraine. Maybe Russia’s our friend and Ukraine’s our enemy.”
“No, sir. That is utter lunacy.”
“If Ukraine is not our enemy, then why did several of its politicians refer to President Trump as an idiot during the 2016 campaign?”
“Probably for the same reason everyone else called him an idiot: simple observation.”
“So you admit it!”
“That President Trump is an idiot? Yes, you tricked me into saying it. Good work, Congressman.”
“Dr, Hill, are you and Hunter Biden in cahoots?”
“I’ve never even met the man.”
“A cahoot? What about a single cahoot?”
“There is no grand conspiracy here, Congressman, no matter how badly you wish to see one. The President of the United States and his thug lawyer went blundering about international diplomacy, and they made a grand cock-up of it.”
“That’s your version of the truth. What about the Swedenborgians?”
“Don’t bring them into this.”
“The Hospitallers of Malta.”
“Not part of it.”
“Genetically-engineered succulents.”
“No super-plants, Congressman.”
“We cannot rule them out.”
“We absolutely can. This story has no fantastical elements whatsoever; it’s tiresomely common. Morons committed crimes. That’s all that happened.”
“Pirates.”
“Stop this. Stop this, Congressman. Stop muddying the waters with clearly-fabricated nonsense. These tactics are helping do nothing but further divide an already bifurcated nation, and you’re doing it on purpose. Please, for the love of God: stop it.”
“I want to discuss the possibility of pirates.”
“You weren’t listening at all, huh?”
“Dr. Hill, were you ever directly instructed by the President to commit a crime?”
“No.”
“Case closed.”
“Not how it works.”
“Can you describe your relationship with the Ambassador to the European Union, Gordon Sondland.”
“It was like having a tumor that used Axe Bodyspray. As in: he was malignant, he was infectious, and he smelled like Axe Bodyspray. Once, he called me ‘Toots.'”
“Only the once?”
“I broke his thumb with a judo hold called ‘Ferret sleeps in the barn without bothering anyone.’ He always referred to me by my proper title after that.”
“You don’t think that was a bit harsh, Dr. Hill?”
“I could have broken his pelvis.”
“Where else were you and Ambassador Sondland at odds?”
“Everywhere. At every point of contact, there was friction. The man is a tit and a twit. All he wants to do is go for dinner and have hookers sit on his face. It was the worst-kept secret in Kyiv. Behind his back, everyone called Sondland ‘Ol’ Chairface.’ It sounds better in Ukrainian.”
“These are scurrilous rumors. Can anyone verify them?”
“Hookers. Lots and of of hookers. It is impossible to overstate how sleazy these people are.”
“These people? Ah-ha! So you are a Never-Trumper.”
“No, sir. I am a Never-Numpty. As in, ‘Do not make me work with numpties, as I am a hyper-competent professional.’ Yet, I was forced to work cheek-to-jowl with these mental paramecium spraying their felony-sauces all about.”
BRICK BEING THROWN THROUGH A WINDOW NOISE!
“Holy shit! Jesus, what was that?”
COMMITTEE CHAIR PICKING UP A BRICK NOISE
“It’s got a piece of paper wrapped around it. And there’s something written on the paper. It’s written in Sharpie. It says FIONA HILL IS NOW DEPORTED. Okay, let’s take ten minutes while I deal with this.”
GAVEL NOISE!
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