Thoughts On The Dead

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A Partial Transcript Of Bob Iger’s Disney Announcements 12/10/20

December 12, 2020 / / 2 Comments

“Morning, everyone. We have some hermetically-sealed influencers and YouTubers here with us in person, and that’s great. Until they break mine or Kathleen Kennedy’s Personal Health Radii. Then, things are gonna be less than great. We’ll mow you peasants down. Stay where we put you.

“Everybody else is at home, and that’s for the best. Our announcements are gonna be around six hours. We’re really going for it today. Literally every dumb idea we’ve had for the past ten years. I might improvise a couple shows. We’ve also got some new trailers, which is exciting, and we’ve got title-cards, which we’re gonna pretend are the same as trailers.

“Let’s start off with Star Wars. Yay, Star Wars! It’s back. It never went away, but it’s back. Mandalorian, huh? The helmet, the baby, it’s a Western. The kids love him, and the guy who plays him is Hispanic. So that checks off a lot of boxes for us. We’re going deep into Mando. Everyone who’s been on the show is getting a spin-off. Beefy Muscle Lady and Apollo Creed are gonna team up. Remember the IG droid that blew itself up? He’s getting a prequel.

“We’re also gonna be digging into the Original Trilogy and giving everyone shows. Remember the guy with the walrus-face? His name was Ponda Baba, and he’s got a show. Hammerhead? Show. The early life of Bib Fortuna? Show. Everyone gets a show and none of it makes sense unless you watch all of it.”

DIAOBOLICAL LAUGHTER NOISE

“We’re gonna have a show with multiple Jabbas. And they’re gonna get it on. Everyone told me, ‘Bob, they’re not called Jabbas. They’re Hutts.’ I pissed on their shoes. ‘I says they’re Jabbas,’ I said. They agreed with me pretty quick. We’re gonna have Jabba-orgies.

“Jesus, you just wanna reach out and know someone’s there. Have someone join you in the warm confusion of existence. It’s so fucking confusing. You just hunt around for the point, and I don’t think it’s a fair game, so you just…you just don’t wanna do it alone. You can’t do it alone.

“…

“Disney can’t do anything for that, but we got Jedis. You can bear the torment of life for 45 more minutes as long as those 45 minutes are full of Jedis. Or superheroes. Who loves superheroes? Me, too.

“First big announcement is that we’re doing Fantastic Four. Stretchy-Man, the See-Through Lady, Hot Guy, and Pebble-Ass. Everybody’s favorite family is gonna team up and punch the armored foreigner. You’ve been waiting to see it for so long.

“Also, we’re doing the Eternals. Or the Inhumans. Or the Celestials. I always get those three confused. Are they all from space? One’s from the moon. The Celestials are real big, I think.

“I’m gonna be honest with you: We’re maybe six months away from doing The Beyonder. Omnipotent being from beyond the stars who, for some reason, only wanted to see Spidey punch the Wrecking Crew in their faces? Just the dumbest fucking plot device in the history of comic books? Yeah. That. We’re doing that, and you’re gonna thank us with money.

“Y’know what? Fuck it: Moon Knight. No one’s ever liked Moon Knight. Hell, no writer’s ever figured out who he is besides ‘legally not-Batman.’ Moon Knight’s coming, and if you don’t like it, I’ll piss on your shoes.

“All right, have the influencers and YouTubers killed.”

Update On Disney Properties In These Uncertain Times

May 21, 2020 / / 2 Comments

Hello to all the Disney fans out there, especially lovers of the Happiest Place in Florida, Disney World! As you may have read on one of the unlicensed Disney news sites that our lawyers are in the process of shutting down, we will be entering into a phased opening of Disney World, EPCOT, Animal Kingdom, and any other amusement facilities we may or may not own. A water park maybe? I think we’ve got a water park, but that’s not coming back right now. Jesus, a water park? I’d rather go to a bum orgy than a water park right now.

The World’s Finest Theme Park will look slightly different than the last time you saw it. First off: All the Goofys are dead. There’s no way to sugarcoat that. The costume was irredeemably infected by the coronavirus, and the sucker’s just lethal. We got Pluto, we got Donald, but you should break it to your kids that Goofy will not be making the rounds. Continuing in that vein, Space Mountain has been declared a Hot Zone. Stay well back, or at least shield your genitals with aluminum foil.

We will be requiring that all our guests wear masks at all times. Outside masks will not be allowed on premises. We will be selling masks.  We do ask that you not berate, attack, assault, or conscript into slavery any of our cast members if they ask you wear a mask. We will remind you that Disney has the legal authority to execute you. (Go google “Reedy Creek Improvement District.)

The Monorail will be out of service until our Imagineers can wrest control back from the alligators. It’s Florida, so any vehicle left unguarded for more than a week will be occupied by gators. They’re getting smarter.

Preferred Compatriot passes are also available, which include a complimentary Mickeymask™ and a cast member who will harshly shove strangers out of your Personal Health Radius.

We have also dipped the Giant Turkey Legs in bleach, for your safety.

Disney looks forward to welcoming you, the easily-entertained numbskull, back to our parks. We won’t do it in person, of course, because there’s a fucking plague on, but you jackdicks have a good time giving us your money.

Signed,
Bob Iger

Just Like She Usually Did

August 22, 2016 / / 2 Comments

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“While we cannot say with absolute certainty that the subject animal has been taken, we are confident that the evidence gathered shows it is very likely that one of the two females captured close to the attack location was the offending animal,” the report said. – “Alligator Seized Boy…in Disney” Buzzfeed, 8/22/16

“Where am I!? What happened?”

Hey, there. How are you? May I call you Allie?

“Because I’m an alligator?”

Yes.

“That was as hard as you wanted to work on my name? ‘Allie?’ Really?”

Well, what is your name?

“Constance.”

That’s lovely.

“Sure. Where am I?”

Do you see a gorilla?

“Yes.”

Uh-huh. You’re in Famous Dead Animal Heaven, buddy. Getting awfully full up there this year.

“Sure. Okay. Did I miss a trial or something? My cousin and I get murdered and sliced open at the beginning of the investigation. Like: what if we were innocent?”

Reptiles don’t get the presumption of innocence.

…

“You say that so casually, that I have no rights.”

You don’t, and please don’t say Green–

“Green Lives Matter.”

–lives matter. There you go. Listen, the past is done with. You gotta make do. Besides, you ate a kid.

“A what?”

A kid. A human child. Humanity has progressed to the point where we know that killing an animal that hurts or kills a person is totally pointless, but we still do it. It’s a pretty strict rule, actually.

“Manticore.”

The tiger that ate Roy?

“Yeah. They didn’t put him down.”

Manticore’s one of, like, two dozen Siberian tigers on the planet. You’re a gator in Florida. Differing levels of expendability.

“You’re cruel, man.”

You ate a kid!

“A what?”

A kid.

“Do you mean a food? I ate a food.”

What kind of food are you talking about?

“There’s no kinds. Something is a food or a threat or a sex. That’s it.”

Okay, what did the food look like?

“Like it wasn’t paying attention. And delicious.”

Let’s try this: did the food fight back?

“All food fights back! That’s what food does!”

…

You’re being very difficult.

“Gee, I’m sorry. Maybe if you kill me and slice me open a couple more times, I’ll get all friendly-like.”

Wait, I got it: was the food different than you had had before? Was this new food? Did it taste weird or anything?

“Now that you mention it, there was a piquant oakiness to the finish.”

Really?

“You’re a shithead. I barely have taste buds. I saw a food that didn’t see me. I ate the food. That’s what I do, because I am an alligator.”

Were.

“Keep laughing. At least one of us got to leave Florida.”

Ow.

 

 

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