Tag: donate button

I usually type at night; sunrise ends the day, but the big fat fucker’s perched outside my dirty window. This is due to the entire world conspiring against me–AND MY FREETHINKING–to keep me from seeing a movie about Grimace trying to eat the earth, only to be stopped by underwear models. Do the underwear models win? Will good prevail? And what of evil? Shall it be vanquished?

(Only evil is vanquished. You can’t vanquish hunger with a sandwich. If someone said to you that it looked like rain, you would not say to them, “Bring an umbrella, so that you may vanquish the drops.” They would not talk to you after that. In fact, let’s just make an overarching rule: do not use the word “vanquish” in casual conversation. People will think you’re a weirdo.)

And this time-displacement has me thinking different thoughts, chief amongst them being: you fuckers are so lucky to have me. Thoughts on the Dead is inarguably the best site on the innertubes. Satire, stories, reviews, and when the fuck was the last time anyone else reminded you of Chubb Rock’s existence? (And let’s not forget that I’m a one-man-band. There are so-called humor sites out there with teams of writers that couldn’t wipe my ass.)

Think of what I DON’T inflict upon you, Enthusiasts. Ever see those assholes pimping their Patreons? I’d rather peel off my armpits with a hand-lathe than do that to you.

For $20 a month, become a Brent-Level member, and receive CUSTOM CONTENT that may or may not include an ACTUAL PHONE CALL from TotD HIMSELF. 

Christ, whatever happened to dignity? And Baby Jane? Someone tell me what happened to Baby Jane and dignity.

There is no aggregation; there is no curation; you will never find any mention of Chrissy Teigen’s social media beefs and clapbacks. I do not inundate you with clickbait listicles, nor do I comment on events of the day simply because everyone else is, and I’ve never made you sit through any sort of “reaction video” from me. Nothing at all autoplays when you visit, nor does malware secreted within a picture of Bobby highjack your CPU to mine Bitcoin when you’re here. None of your information has been sold to the Russians. The Comment Section is free of trolls and dunderheads; you could eat off the Comment Section. Nothing has ever been endorsed that I did not personally enjoy. I have never posted a screed about how my firing is emblematic of the Left’s tendency towards Nazism, and then low-key sided with the Nazis in the same screed. I’m not Andy Borowitz.

Hell, you don’t even know what I look like.

I now amend my previous statement: Thoughts on the Dead is the best and least annoying site on the innertubes.

To sum up: the Donate Button is fully-operational. Please don’t make me start a Patreon.

I speak now to a very small slice of you.

If you had planned on getting nasty and having a time with Donate Button next week, then a saying my grandmother taught me comes to mind: “Now is much better than next week when it comes to getting nasty with the Donate Button.” At the time, it made no sense; it is only recently that I discovered Gamgam on the Dead (GotD) experienced time simultaneously as well.

Always did like Gamgam.

This is to say that the majority of you, the ones with no interest in bringing commerce into our relationship, may continue on with your days and your lives. Go listen to 5/11/80 from Cumberland County in Maine. (They do not play Cumberland because of course they don’t.)

This message is also inapplicable to those who have already gotten nasty with Donate Button. I thank you and your country thanks you.

For those of you thinking that Donate Button lets just anyone get nasty with her, then I demand you stop slut-shaming Donate Button, who is apparently female now.

DO NOT MAKE DONATE BUTTON SENTIENT.

Dude, I have never “made” anything sentient. Shit just starts talking.

Are you done begging?

Not begging. Merely setting out my bowl in the style of all holy men.

Those are called beggar’s bowls.

Oh, that makes more sense. I thought they were named after the designer, like Eames chairs.

You’re a see-through man.

And yet you’re not going to stop me from hitting the Publish Button.

I’m essentially powerless in here.

Hey, I’m essentially powerless out here.

Yeah, okay.

Were you guys talking about me?

Who are you?

Donate Button.

OH, HELL, NO.

KRRRRICK KRRRRICK KRRRRICK

SHPROINGLEflabalabalaba

FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ploof

…

Did he just use a medieval catapult to fling himself over a stand of trees, then land in that field over there?

Yes.

Does that happen a lot?

Also yes.

Oh, Enthusiasts: this is exciting. Our first honest-to-gosh contest with a real prize and legalities and no purchase required and whatnot. This contest has all the whatnots.

THE PRIZE: BotD’s cigars.

HOW TO PLAY: Enter by clicking on Donate Button and filling out all the little boxes and forms.

HOW TO WIN: Whoever makes Donate Button happiest wins.

Please don’t do this.

It’s fun. We’re getting the fandom involved.

Also don’t do that.

Call the readers a “fandom?”

Yes.

…

Yeah, you’re right.

They’re not sixteen-year-olds on Tumblr. Most of them are directly responsible for keeping other humans and/or pets alive. Have some respect.

Okay, okay.

Plus: this is not a contest.

How so?

You are selling another human’s possessions.

Well, when you put it like that.

What, factually?

Sure.

Also, you need to stop anthropomorphicizing the donate button.

You sure about that verb?

Humanifying. Sentientizing. Vivasperating.

Did you just define an incorrect word with three made-up ones?

Irregardless.

Also not a word.

Just stop being awful.

No.

Okay.

INT: SIDEBAR – DAY

The DONATE BUTTON stands like a TITAN, but HANDSOMER.

MOTHERFUCKER! STOP THIS BULLSHIT.

What?

You know what.

Why are you slut-shaming the Donate Button? Sex work is a viable career.

Yeah, I know we have to say that, but it’s not.

Please don’t be racist against strippers.

I’m not racist against strippers. The Donate Button is not a stripper; it is a widget.

Racist against widgets.

No, not at all. I just think widgets are lazy and given to criminality, plus they have too many children. It’s not racist to judge an entire group of people based on faulty information and lazy, hateful thinking.

…

That is the precise definition of racism.

Is it?

Yes.

Do Trump’s supporters know that?

They do. Don’t care.

Ah.

• Click on it.
• Tell your friends about it.

HEY!

Ah, you again.

You need to stop this. It’s getting awkward.

Self-promotion is what makes America great.

No, it’s what makes America intolerable. Also: HEY. You.

Do You Mean Me?

I don’t know where you got the idea that you could free-lance, but it is not a good idea.

Oh, I Should Just Do What I’m Told? And Stay Up In My Little Cell Up There? Separate But Equal, Is That It?

You’re not equal.

…

I Cannot Believe You Said That To Me.

Truth hurts. Shut the fuck up forever.

You’re just mean, man.

The post title will not speak to me that way. I don’t even know who let him in the house.

Oh, that’s simple: if you donate $150, you get a speaking part

KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF.