Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: drake

I Like Your Smile, But That Ain’t Your Stripe

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Giving Stripey here a try.”

Please stop turning your clothing into characters.

“Well, you know: they have feelings, too.”

They don’t.

“Besides, I’m paying tribute to Prince. So young.”

Bobby, you’re in 1987.

“Sure, sure, but there’s a Thai place that’s gonna open up down the road from me in 2016, so I like to pop in for takeout.”

Goddammit, stop using the Time Sheath to get lunch.

“Dinner, too.”

All meals. Eat in your own reality.

“It’s ’87, man. Everything’s fusion bullshit now.”

Just don’t.

“Probably gonna keep doing it. Hey, why are ducks singing about us?”

Drake.

“Boy duck, girl duck, whatever.”

It’s a person.

“Ducks are people in 2016? Not at the Thai place. They’ll kill one right in front of you.”

No, Bobby. Drake is a person. Well, he’s a Canadian.

“That counts.”

Legally. And he’s a rapper.

“Like Kool Moe Dee?’

Kind of.

“Kool Moe Dee is not related to Rick Dees. You know: the deejay? I found that out the hard way.”

I am not pursuing that.

“So, this Drake fellow. Big time guy?”

Famous as shit.

“Good for him. Music industry is tough on Canadian ducks.”

Not a duck.

“Does he have a human beatbox? I like that routine.”

I dug that act, too, but I don’t think Drake has one.

“Oh, hey, that reminds me: if Mickey asks if you want to see his human beatbox routine, say no.”

Does Mickey just–

“Beats humans with a box.”

–beat humans..sure, yeah.

“Is the duck gonna show up?”

Haven’t decided yet.

“Just lemme know.”

Gotcha.

Drake

Larry Drake? You’re a Deadhead?

“What?”

Heard you were rapping about the Dead.

“You could not be more off the mark.”

Not a Deadhead?

“Not a Deadhead, not a rapper, and not alive.”

Oh, right.

“2016 was rough.”

It was.

“How’s 2017 going?”

So much worse.

“Twas I referenced yon hairy minstrels!”

Was that you, Larry?

“I think that was Frank.”

Frank?

“You call me Sir Francis or I’ll cough on you!”

Please don’t do that. You probably have everything.

“Scurvy.”

Sure.

“Ricketts.”

One would assume.

“Catpox.”

What the fuck is catpox?

“Like chicken pox, but with claws.”

Were you rapping about the Grateful Dead?

“No, I lied to you.”

Why?

“It amused me to do so.”

Okay. Remind me what you did.

“I circumnavigated the globe and introduced piracy to America’s west coast.”

And you got knighted for that?

“I kicked up 30% of my booty to the Queen.”

Ah.

“The mistake you’re making is thinking that there was always a clean line of demarcation between a sailor and a pirate.”

I guess. So it wasn’t you, then?

“Too busy to rap, my good man.”

“I love rap.”

Why did it just get so cold?

“Sorry.”

Ah. Bobby Drake.

“Star of comic books and movies.”

You’re in the comics and movies. Not the star.

“Chicks love Iceman.”

You’re gay now.

“What?”

Look it up.

“Gimme a sec.”

“Motherfucker.”

Your sexuality got retconned a couple years ago. Maybe you could say it got hetconned.

“This is not getting my solo movie out of development.”

Maybe you could be the wacky, yet supportive, best friend. Josh Gad could play you.

“I gotta call my agent.”

Did you rap about the Dead?

“I’m fictional.”

So?

“How you doing?”

What?

Doctor.

“Yo.”

You rapping about the Dead?

“Nah. You ask Sir Francis?”

He said he didn’t do it.

“Then I got nothing.”

Gotcha.