Tag: easter

THE COURTYARD OUTSIDE PONTIUS PILATE’S HOUSE – 33 AD

“Hear me, Jews! I speak for the glory that is Rome! Hear me!”

…

“Wouldja shut the fuck up!? Christ, you people chatter!”

“Potchen mein tuchas, du mieskeit!”

“Hey, this is your tradition! I’ll go inside and read the new Harlanus Cobanus codex or something. I don’t care, man.”

CROWD QUIETING DOWN NOISE

“Thank you. Each year on the eve of your weird, silly little dinner-based holiday Passover, Rome shows her love by allowing you, the Jews, to pick a prisoner to be released and not crucified. That’s right: the nicest thing Rome can do for you is not crucify you. Think about what would happen if we didn’t like you. Just ask the Carthaginians about that. Oh, wait: you can’t. We genocided them. Anyhoo, we’ve got two choices for you this year: Jesus Christ and Barabbas Feinstock. Come on out here, guys.”

PRISONERS BEING DRAGGED ONTO STAGE NOISE

“So, uh, Jesus is accused of crimes against the state, witchcraft, blasphemy against the official gods, and general trouble-causing. Barabbas here is accused of–”

MAN ROLLING OUT A SCROLL TO A COMICALLY-LARGE LENGTH NOISE

“–Peter, Paul, and Mary! Look at all this crime! Murder, theft, assault, rape, kidnapping, rape, arson, rape, rape, counterfeiting, rape, rape, rape…most of the list seems to be rape. The sheer quantity of rape is astounding. If it were any activity other than rape, you’d congratulate the man on his hustle. And there’s weird stuff here, too. Bank robbery? We haven’t even invented banks yet. And who the Hades is Carole Baskin, and why does Barabbas keep hiring people to kill her? This is simply the worst criminal record I’ve ever seen. Just a mess. Okay, let’s vote. Who says I should let Jesus go?”

CROWD NOT MAKING ANY NOISE NOISE

“Huh. And who thinks I should free Barabbas?

CROWD MAKING A LOT OF NOISE NOISE

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, really? You want Barabbas released? Why?”

CROWD MAKING ALL SORTS OF DIFFERENT NOISES NOISE

“No, no, no. You can’t all talk at once. It’s bad enough when you do it one at a time. You! Why do you choose Barabbas over Jesus?”

“Me?”

“Yes, you. What’s your name?”

“Shushy Guschel.”

…

“Y’know, I’ve lived with you people for almost ten years, and I’m still not used to your names. Shushy, why Barabbas?”

“He’s a straight shooter. Jesus over there? Always with the parables. Can’t understand a goddamned word the man’s saying. First he told me I was a fishing net, and then I was a pearl, and then a mustard seed. It’s exhausting. Barabbas, though? He says what he means.”

“Can you give me an example?”

“Well, last month he wanted to steal my money. He walked right up to me and said, ‘Gimme your money.’ Jesus wouldn’t have done that. He would’ve given me a half-hour lecture about how my wallet was an unplowed field and he was the rain or some horseshit like that.”

“But Jesus wouldn’t have stolen your money.”

“Still, the lectures.”

“Wow. Okay, new guy. Uhh…you there with the sandwich.”

“Ask someone else; I’m eating a sandwich.”

“Put it down for a second.”

“Man, it’s sandwich time.”

“PUT IT DOWN!”

“Fuckin’ Romans.”

“Heard that. What’s your name?”

“Flukey Knucklebaum.”

“Why did you cheer for Barabbas? He’s the worst.”

“True, true. Bad hombre. Has raped my entire family, both separately and once all at the same time. I hate that son of a bitch something fierce.”

“But?”

“But I own a chain of liquor stores and Jesus’ water-into-wine trick is just not acceptable.”

“You gotta be shitting me.”

“And I speak for the fishermen and the bakers as well! You know how much food it takes to feed the multitudes? Lot more than three tilapias and two baguettes, I’ll tell you that. Lotta hard-working businessmen got screwed royal that day!”

“I’m astonished by you people. I’m asking someone else. A lady this time. Ma’am, you in the hat. What’s your name?”

“Bella Abzug.”

“That’s a weird coincidence.”

“It’s not a coincidence. I am the actual Bella Abzug.”

“That would explain the hat. Why did you pick Barabbas over Jesus?”

“Jesus and his friends are nogoodniks. They hang out on the corner all day hassling decent people and singing that filthy doo-wop music. The Apostles. What kind of thing is that to call yourself? Are they a gang?”

“I wouldn’t classify them as a gang.”

“And that cheap little Mary girl who hangs around with them? She’s a hoo-er.”

“The historicity of that claim is widely doubted by contemporary scholars.”

“She’s a hoo-er!

“Fine! Fine, whatever. Y’know what? Whatever. You’re making the wrong choice, but that’s not for me to say. I mean, you folks are making a ‘Ryan Leaf over Peyton Manning’ type bad decision here, but it’s your call. Free Barabbas!”

BARABBAS BEING UNSHACKLED ONLY TO IMMEDIATELY BEGIN RAPING HIS GUARDS NOISE

“See? He’s already raping! He’s…ah, fuck it, I don’t care.”