Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: fenway (Page 1 of 3)

Mickey Pulsed And Throbbed

July 21, 2016 / / 3 Comments

mickey pulse throb fenway

Jesus, Mickey.

“We did, though! All of us together, pulsing and throbbing in rhythm. There was also thrusting.”

Ew.

“And those that could not thrust were juicy.”

Weird.

“Were our boners made from drums, or our drums from boners?”

Neither.

“Don’t call me to the blackboard, teacher: I’m here with my friends, pulsing and throbbing.”

Stop.

“Last night, Oteil pulsed while I throbbed; this night, we switch. He got sore.”

What?

“Thrulsing.”

Nope.

“Pobbing”

Nuh-uh.

“GlaaaarMAAAflarn.

You’re just making sounds now, Mickey.

“Drums!”

Good talk.

In Which Paul McCartney, Dosed By The Grateful Dead, Turns Into Lego And Is Then Berated By Billy And Mickey (Who Are Also Lego)

July 21, 2016 / / 5 Comments

The-Beatles-Abbey-Road-version-LEGO-600x365

“Bob?”

“Sure?”

“I must say I’m a bit disappointed with you for dosing me.”

“Well, I didn’t do it.”

“You knew it was happening.”

“Oh, yeah. I didn’t encourage it, though.”

“But you also didn’t stop it.”

“Where’s the bliss in that?”

“Bob?”

lego ded brent

“Yoko?”

“I have warned you about that.”

“Shut the fuck up, limey!”

“You tell him, Billy! Watch your mouth, fuckface!”

“Good one, Mick! I’ll punch your wig in the dick, you talk to Weir that way!”

“Yeah, only we get to talk to Weir that way.”

“Yeah!”

“Yeah!”

…

“You let your drummers speak?”

“Can’t rightly stop ’em most of the time.”

“Wow. Ringo cleared his throat too loudly once, and Lennon choked him out.”

“Huh.”

“How long will we be Lego?”

“Another post or two.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Weir On Our Way Home

July 20, 2016 / / 1 Comment

bobby paul mccartney

“Bob, I’m going to ask you a question and I need you to tell me the truth, and also I desperately need you not to call me ‘Yoko’ anymore.”

“Sure, Ozzy.”

“Close enough. And I know you seem to view a conversation as some form of interpretive dance, but I must ask you that be straightforward with me.”

“Yup, okay.”

“Did you dose me?”

“No, I didn’t.”

…

“I was too specific in me question, wasn’t I?”

“Yup.”

“Have I been dosed?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“And who was it that dosed me?”

“No one dosed you.”

…

“Who were they that dosed me?”

“Buncha guys.”

“Bob!”

“Well, you know, in their defense: it’s a special occasion. Dead and the Beatles. Portentous.”

“I feel a bit strange, Bob.”

“What do you mean?”

lego paul mccartney

“I can’t truly describe it, but I don’t think I can play me bass like this.”

“You have no nose.”

“How will I smell?”

“Bloomin’ awful.”

“I need you to take this seriously, Bob. Help me. I’m a Beatle, and a Knight and a billionaire. Help me.”

“Yeah, okay. Sure.”

lego bobby shorts

“Better?”

“NO, BOB. NOT BETTER. I meant get me back to being a person, not join me here in toyland.”

“Ah. Well, I seem to recall a little lecture about being straightforward. That’s the pot telling the gander to heal thyself.”

“I actually understood that.”

“Yeah, well: you’re on a shitload of acid.”

“Right, right. How long does this last?”

“The acid or the storyline?”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

A Knight Shouldn’t Be Treated This Way

July 19, 2016 / / 3 Comments

bobby paul blurry.png

“Bob, why is everything so blurry?”

“Could be a metaphor about artistic cohesion and the waning thrust of creativity.”

“The universe is doing metaphors?”

“This one.”

…

“Bob?”

“Yoko?”

“Really: stop that.”

“Sure, sure.”

“What’s going on again?”

“Semi-fictionality. Kinda like a pocket reality? Character free of context, but bound to narrative. Plus a time machine.”

“Bob.”

“It’s a Time Sheath, if you wanna get technical about it.”

“Bob.”

“Also, dead people aren’t dead. Well, they’re dead, but they still come around.”

…

“If you see one of those Dancing Bears wandering around, that’s probably Brent. He’s a big fan. Or it might be a demon.”

“Uh-huh. I don’t understand.”

“That’s natural. This is actually one of those deals where the more you explain it, the less sense it makes. Helps if you’re tripping.”

“Tripping? On acid?”

CUT TO: BACKSTAGE

“You dosed Sir Paul McCartney? I dosed Sir Paul McCartney. Jesus, how many people dosed Sir Paul McCartney? We should check on him.

CUT TO: BOBBY AND PAUL

“I don’t do that anymore, Bob.”

“Oh, yeah, no. Me neither. No, no.”

“I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me.”

“I know some jokes.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

CELL PHONE NOISE

“You gonna get that?”

…

“This is Sir Paul. How did you get this number?”

“Please hold for Taylor Swift.”

“Excuse me?”

taylor-swift-dumped-calvin-harris-over-the-phone-ftr

“Oh. My. GOD! Sir Paul McCartney. I am your biggest fan in the world and I have all your records. Plus I got in full hair and makeup for this call.”

“I’m a little busy, love.”

“I will FUCK YOU WITH YOUR OWN WIG if you don’t date me immediately, YOU PASTY, SHIT-EYED, LIMEY FUCK!”

…

“What?”

“My numbers Jew and my press homo say I gotta suck your iron-deficient cock on TMZ to get my Q back up. I’m sending my jet.”

BRITISH DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH BRITISH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT (I ASUUME)

…

“That was Taylor Swift? She is coming to kidnap me.”

“Well, then: lucky you’re here. I’ve got experience with this kind of bullshit.”

“Why is my spine tingling, Bob?”

“Is it? Huh. Could be your Beatle-Sense.”

“No, Bob.”

This Was Unavoidable, I Suppose

July 19, 2016 / / 2 Comments

Mayer checker bikini

…

…

…

“Sup.”

I don’t know how to respond to this.

“Soak it in.”

Don’t wanna.

“But you can’t look away.”

I cannot, no. Are you on a boat?

“No.”

…

“It’s a yacht.”

Sure.

“If a boat’s over a certain size and serves no purpose, then it’s a yacht.”

I get it. Did you buy a yacht?

“No, a Saudi prince is paying me to be here.”

Oh, you’re Lohanning.

“Sweet deal.”

You’re gonna get a really weird tan line.

“The prince is into that.”

Is this a sex thing?

“Negotiations are always fluid on the water.”

Sure.

 

(With thanks to Wilbard for the ‘shop. It should be noted for legal reasons that this is not an actual photo. The one of the Wall of Sound at Fenway, however, was totes real. Totally totes.)

The Walrus And Paul

July 18, 2016 / / 4 Comments

Portable Network Graphics image-FDB12B8D129B-1

“Y’know, Bob: I took quite a bit of acid in my day.”

…

“You’re adorable.”

“VEGETARIANISM IS A COMPROMISE WITH THE CHEESE DEVIL!”

“Have you met my sister-in-law, Lillan Monster?”

“Monsters? Gronks? What the hell is going on?”

“Y’got a little too close to a Grateful Dead, Yoko–”

“I’m begging you to stop calling me that.”

“–and things get off the rails quick.”

“Well, Bob, you know: Beatles were awful weird, too. Things got strange.”

“Seriously: you’re adorable.”

“We went to India.”

“We owned an Indian. It turned out, you know, that he was a Catholic guy from Rhode Island, but the intent was there.”

“A woman broke up the Beatles.”

“A sound system broke up the Dead.”

“We let Billy Preston into the band.”

“Yeah, that was a British thing. See, Americans had met black people before, so they weren’t impressed with his little Afro wig and his grin.”

“That was harsh, Bob.”

“Don’t get me started on Billy Preston, man. Long history there.”

“Okay, okay.”

MRONCH MRONCH MRONCH

…

“Bob, did the Gronk just eat my bass player?”

“Yeah, uh-huh.”

“That’s not vegetarian.”

“The opposite.”

Three Men Who Are Better Drummers Than Ringo

July 18, 2016 / / 2 Comments

bobby paul mccartney gronk 3

“Robert.”

“It’s actually Bobert.”

“It’s singing. Into my microphone.”

“He’s an excitable boy.”

“It smells like aggressive cheese.”

“I can’t respond to that. Lemme ask you a question: where’s your armor?”

“I’m not that kind of knight, Bob.”

“Another question.”

“Yes?”

“You dye your hair?”

“Next question.”

“I been thinking about it. Jet black like a professional wrestler. Maybe leave a couple grey stripes in the beard.”

“Why on earth would yo do that?”

“I got a new kid in the band who’s pulling focus. Need something for the crowd to look at.”

“GRONK WANT BE PAPERBACK WRITER!”

“We’re not even playing that, Bob. He doesn’t know the words.”

“Never stopped me, Yoko.”

…

“Bob?”

“Sure?”

“Why does everything look so odd?”

“Like an Instagram filter?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“I think he stole the picture from Instagram, probably.”

“‘He?’ What? I don’t understand.”

“Are you familiar with the concept of semi-fictionality?”

Where There’s A Will, There’s Fenway

July 17, 2016 / / 3 Comments

precarious speaker fenway.jpg

…

Precarious.

“Yo.”

Your handiwork, I assume?

“I consulted.”

What are you even doing there?

“Had to install Wally in left field.”

DO NOT CALL ME THAT.

Hey! You’re not in this!

DO NOT YELL AT YOUR FUTURE DICTATOR.

…

PRESIDENT.

I’ll get back to you. Precarious, how does this thing even work?

“Speakers?”

Yeah. Are they supposed to be like that?

“Well, when you talk about ‘supposed to,’ you’re getting into free will, and that’s above my pay grade.”

I mean: is it supposed to be leaning like that?

“Oh. Yeah.”

And now back to the original question: how?

“Remember in the cartoons when the coyote would run off the cliff and he’d be fine ’til he looked down?”

Yeah.

“Well, no one told the speakers about gravity.”

Whatever.

“We good? I gotta put out a fire.”

Metaphor?

“Nope.”

Garcia’s here?

“Maybe.”

Goddammit.

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