“God, I hate white funerals.”
“Not, uhhhh, a lot of conflict. No one gets drunk, throws herself into the casket. Subdued folks.”
“How much longer is this, anyway? I got a basketball arena full of wine-drunk ladies waiting for me.”
“Little bit longer. Just George W.’s eulogy and then they fly the body to Houston.”
“How many places are they burying this man? Is this a horcrux thing?”
“No idea. Michelle?”
“Mm?”
“He keeping his hands to himself?”
“For the most part.”
“I can hear Hillary grinding her teeth from here.”
“She is not in a healthy headspace right now. How you doing?”
“Michelle, I am, uhhhh, not gonna lie to you: popped a xanax on the ride over.”
“Not a terrible idea. Holy shit, you’re kidding me.”
“What?”
“Is he snoring?”
…
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
“Tell Melania to elbow him in the fat.”
“Oh, don’t make me talk to her.”
“Barack Hussein Mohammad Mustafa Whiteyhater Obama, you get that cat-woman to wake Lumpy up. We are on camera.”
“Fine, okay. Um, Melania?”
“Da, Chocolate President?”
…
“Michelle, she called me–”
“I don’t care what she called you. Take care of this.”
“Everythin’ all raht down there?”
“We’re fine, Bill.”
“Yer thigh cold? Ah c’d rub it for yew.”
“All good on the thigh front, Bill. Barack?”
“Fine, fine. Melania?”
“Da?”
“Can you nudge the President, please? I think he’s resting his eyes a bit loudly.”
“He is sleep, da. Let him. He no say stupid thing vhen he sleep.”
“Melania–”
“Maybe he die in sleep. Ve can throw him in coffin vith other body.”
“Melania–”
“You kill him for me, Svarte Piet.”
“Do not call me Black Pete.”
“Is Christmas. You are Black Pete.”
“An’ then Daddy said, ’43, don’t tell Jeb, but you’re mah favorite. Tell Neil, though.’ Daddy made me promise to tell everyone that Neil was his worst son. An’, you know, I agree. Neil ain’t even smart enough to be the Fredo. More like a family pet or beloved servant, one who was mistakenly granted access to banks and their workins’.
“An’ then he said, ‘I won my war, you pussy,’ an’ I said, ‘Yeah, but I won my reelection,’ an’ I called him a word that means ‘homo’ but not ‘homo.’ The stronger variation. He tried to karate chop me, but he was very weak at this point an’ I was able to get him in a naked rear choke.
“It should be noted that sev’ral generations of Bushes were in the hospital room while this was goin’ on.”
“Oh, thank God. He’s awake.”
“Michelle, no one has ever before thanked God that that man was awake.”
“Weird year. Is someone doing Darth Vader impression?”
“That’s Cheney.”
“Ah.”
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