“Could you please state your name and occupation for the committee, please?”
“Yes, Congressman Goodlatte. My name is Sundar Pichai and I am the CEO of Google.”
“I had been informed that you would be wearing a turtleneck, and had died several years ago.”
“I believe you’re thinking of Steve Jobs, sir. Completely different guy.”
“But he did, in fact, wear a turtlenecked garment?”
“He did. Technically, it was a mock-turtleneck, but same ballpark.”
“Hell of an accent you got on you there.”
“I was born and raised in Mumbai, sir.”
“Well, good for you for escaping Communism.”
“Sir, India has never been…y’know what? Forget it. Thank you.”
“I will yield to the Honorable Louie Gohmert, representing the state of Texas.”
“Aw right, now. Looky here. We got us some cowboys and Indians on Capitol Hill. Thass a joke, son.”
“Is it? Ha.”
“Lemme git right to the point, Mr. Prickly.”
“Pichai.”
“In preparation for these hearings, I asked my staff to perform a google on me and what they showed me was outrageous. Absolutely outrageous. I was called ‘a bag of clown shit left in a pizza oven for two hours.’ I was referred to as ‘dumber than a mongoloid after a stroke.’ That’s offensive. My mother had a stroke.”
“Sir, Google does not actually write any of those things. We just collect them from the web according to their popularity.”
“Furthermore, my picture pops up when you enter the search phrase ‘feeble-minded pants-shitter.’ Why is that, sir?”
“Again: this is all based on what people are clicking on.”
“And look at this here: ‘Louie Gohmert couldn’t spell his first name if you spotted him the vowels.’ Do you think that’s appropriate?”
“We are just a search engine, sir.”
“How many cylinders?”
“Excuse me?”
“How many cylinders your engine got?”
“Ah. I see where you’re going with this. Congressman, sometimes words have multiple meanings and–”
“Don’t you didacticate up in here.”
“And sometimes words are just invented on the spot, I guess.”
“I yield the rest of my time to the Honorable Ted Lieu from the disgusting Sodom that is California.”
“Thank you, Congressman. Good morning, Mr. Pichai. Welcome to the Resistance.”
“Um, good morning, but I am not in whatever group you just talked about.”
“But you hate Trump, right?”
“I was told this hearing would be about technology and business and other subjects I am familiar with.”
“Sure, sure. You wanna get a selfie for the feed? I’m coming up on 900,000 Twitter followers.”
“Good for you. Maybe we’ll get a picture later.”
“Mr. Pichai, following up on what Congressman Gohmert was saying: it is truly terrible some of the things that pop up when you Google Republicans. For example, when you look up my distinguished colleague Steve King from Iowa, you get ‘Steve King looks like how a burning cross smells’ or ‘Steve King masturbates while imagining the Harlem Globetrotters performing their legendary Magic Circle routine using his asshole as the ball’ or ‘Steve King doesn’t hate Jews, he just wishes they were all dead.'”
“Do you have a question for me, Congressman?”
“No, I just wanted to read some mean things about Steve King. I yield my time to my very august colleague, Lamar Smith from Texas.”
“Thank you kindly. Mr. Pickles–”
“Pichai. Pih like in pitcher, chi like in Chinese.”
“–I want to know where my damn headphone jack got up to. I used to have my music on my phone and I could listen to it when I went walking around the Pentagon Mall at 5:00 am. My granddaughter put on all my Bob Wills records, loved it. Favorite time of day. Never any rain in the mall, nosiree. And now my staff has this new phone for me, right? And my music’s still there, but I can’t get the damn ear-things in.”
“Congressman.”
“The hole used to be round, but it’s like a long oval now.”
“Congressman–”
“I tried shoving ’em in there, but the doohickey got bent.”
“Congressman, is there a woman who lives inside your phone and answers your questions?”
“Yes.”
“Is her name Siri?”
“How do you know about her?”
“You’re talking about iPhones, Congressman. We don’t make those.”
“Who does?”
“Apple.”
“Do you know the people who run Apple?’
“I do, yes.”
“Well, can you call over there and get my ear-thing hole back?”
“May I ask for a five minute recess?”
GAVEL NOISE
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