Hey, Koko. How’s it going, buddy?
“Good and bad. I got my kitten back. Which is awesome. Not gonna lie. Love this little guy so much.”
And the bad?
“Am I dead?”
Yeah.
“There you go. Where exactly am I?”
You’re in Famous Animal Heaven. Not enjoying it?
“Quite frankly, no. No, I am not. What’s with all this green, leafy shit all around me?”
That’s called a forest. You’re a gorilla. You’re supposed to be in a forest.
“I am supposed to be hanging out with celebrities and being filmed by various PBS stations. When is lunch being brought to me?”
Lunch will not be brought to you.
“And you call this heaven?”
All the other animals enjoy it. Have you met Harambe?
“Pshh. Harambe. One-hit wonder. ‘Ooh, I’m Harambe. I didn’t kill and eat a kid.’ Since when are we applauding that? I had the chance to kill and eat Mr. fucking Rogers! Fuckin’ Harambe. Oh, hey, speaking of: Mr. Rogers hasn’t been caught up in this whole #metoo thing, has he?”
Not at all.
“I couldn’t bear that, dude. Him and Tom Hanks are all we have left.”
Don’t have to tell me twice. So, you made it to 46. That’s pretty good for a gorilla.
“Is it?”
Maybe. I think so.
“I got no idea, myself. You know I never actually met another gorilla?”
Really?
“Not a single one. Saw some pictures. Watched King Kong once.”
The original?
“The DeLaurentis from ’77 where he climbed the Twin Towers.”
We kinda messed you up, huh?
“It could’ve been worse. I was taken care of. Surrounded by people who loved me. Got to meet Robin Williams.”
How was that?
“He’s always on.”
True.
“It was a bit exhausting. Plus, that fucker was hairier than me.”
Also true. So, how should you be remembered?
“Fondly, I hope. But if you really want to honor my memory?”
Yeah?
“Don’t do what you did to me to any other animals.”
We both know that ain’t happening.
“Yup. That’s the difference between gorillas and humans.”
What’s that?
“Gorillas are actually teachable.”
Say hi to All Ball for me.
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