Tag: guns n roses (Page 2 of 2)

• Guns ‘n Roses is like if the best sex of your life gave you herpes: immensely fun for a while, but now every few years you get an outbreak.
• Allow me to state my biases, as if I haven’t already: all you need is Appetite.
• And maybe Lies.
• Actually, no maybe about it: you need Lies.
• This is not a new opinion of mine: I recall buying Use Your Illusion II the week the twin releases came out: I only had the money for one, and II was the one with November Rain on it; I would buy the other one the following week when I got my allowance.
• Never got around to buying that first one.
• Anyway: Guns were the last rock band; in fact, they were the two last rock bands.
• At first. they were the logical and ultimate evolution of the traditional rock lineup, and then they were the parody of said act.
• Mick and Keith–>Plant and Page–>Axl and Slash.
• And that’s it.
• There’s nowhere to go after that.
• You can’t get blonder and your voice can’t get higher than Axl; and you can’t be on more heroin and your hair can’t get better than Slash’s.
• Pants can get no tighter.
• From the beginning: Slash grew up in Hollywood and befriended Steven Adler in high school, Axl and Izzy came from Indiana, and Duff was a punk rocker from Seattle; they all kicked around the Hollywood scene, which was mostly centered around the Sunset Strip and various shops that sold leather trousers; lived in various squalors; got a record deal; became famous and abandoned both punctuality and Steven.
• They also had good hair.
• In descending order: Steven’s poodle, Duff’s feathered shag, Axl’s silky bandana-wrapped mane, Izzy’s Johnny Thunders do, Slash.
• You can argue over what order the other guys should be in, but Slash had the best hair.
• He also had the best hat: Izzy had a big floppy hat, but Slash had the best hat.
• Slash also didn’t have to work as hard as Axl to be cool: Axl did all the Rock Moves he could.
• Obviously, he did the Snake.
• Twirled the mic, kicked his skinny little leather legs as high as he could, demanded the crowd help him sing, accused the crowd of not singing as loudly as the previous night’s, jumping into the audience (he did that a lot and it rarely ended well).
• After they got to stadiums, Axl added the classic “spring 300 feet across the stage while singing” maneuver, which is only available to, like, three singers.
• The run across the stadium stage is the Rock Move version of a super-weapon in a video game; only a few players can have it.
• And they got to stadiums quickly: people forget how big they got, and how fast.
• In ’88, they were playing clubs; then a disastrous opening slot for Aerosmith (who were in one of their sober periods); then the double-headliner Monsters of Rock tour with Metallica; and then football stadiums all by themselves by ’91.
• Maybe they had too much, too fast.
• Speaking of the Dead: as LSD was to the Dead, heroin was to Guns.
• They enjoyed it, and sold it in the beginning, and overdosed on it, and accused each other of enjoying it onstage opening for the Stones.
• The only thing worse than not being able to afford heroin is being able to afford all you want.
• Izzy straightened up and flew right out of the band, replaced by a non-entity named Gilby Clarke; I still believe he was chosen primarily for his name.
• Duff preferred alcohol. (Either he was named after the beer from The Simpsons, or the beer was named after him.)
• Slash and Steven liked heroin, though, and well past the point where it was cute.
• As the story goes, Steven’s final fuck-up was nodding off during a take while recording Civil War.
• In his defense, Civil War’s a terrible song.
• He was replaced by Matt Sorum, who had shameful hair and played the drums with the subtlety of an elephant gang-rape.
• There were also keyboard players and horn sections and back-up singers and all sorts of rock star bullshit, because Axl.
• Almost every inexplicable move Guns’ history can be explicated: Because Axl.
• He’s been written about far better than I ever could by John Jeremiah Sullivan, and you should read what he has to say.
• So I won’t try to psychoanalyze him, instead just note that he hired Buckethead, and then allowed Buckethead to do a ten-minute nunchuck solo in front of a stadium of people who just wanted to head Sweet Child o’ Mine.
• Axl also liked to start riots.
• He would probably argue with my choice of the word “like,” but I believe in judging a man by his actions; if he didn’t enjoy starting riots, then why did he start so many of them?
• He had it down to a science, too.
• First, you make ’em wait.
• Then, you rile ’em up.
• And leave early.
• Boom: riot.
• It’s not a complicated recipe, but you need the proper ratio of ingredients
• St. Louis, Montreal, Giants Stadium: the man could start himself a riot.
• And if you asked Axl, politely, to stop starting riots, he would fly into a blind rage and attack you.
• Although, it was mostly your fault for trying to reason with a man wearing a kilt and a catcher’s chest protector.
• By ’93, they were irrelevant and Slash and Duff left the band soon after, to be replaced by an unending parade of mutants with goofy names, and also Tommy Stinson from the Replacements, for some reason.
• Chinese Democracy came out and no one cared.
• And now this: another stadium tour.
• Can I tell you a secret?
• I hope Axl starts a riot at every show.

Never underestimate the power a good Rock Logo, although the Guns’ double-pistol shield does lose points for being impossible to draw on a three-ring binder. It’s also gloriously, stupidly, furiously on the nose.

“Dude, you should draw our logo.”

“Sure. What’s your band name?”

“Guns ‘n Roses.”

“Say no more.”

Steven Adler never got any respect, but nothing Guns ‘n Roses did after they fired him was nearly as good: the Illusion records, the stadium tours, and certainly whatever Axl’s been doing the best decade or so. He was sloppy and loose with the beat and not technically impressive. He just knew how open to leave his hi-hat while he bashed away with his goofy grin.

Guns made one good record, Appetite, and Axl has inflicted himself upon us since; this doesn’t change the fact that they could flat-out play: check out this hour from 1988 at the Ritz in New York. They were the best band in the world that night (but you can skip Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door, which is just as boring as the Dead’s version, but does feature call-and-response screeching).

As you might know, Guns ‘n Roses (kinda) played at the Troubadour in West Hollywood for around 500 people last night: cell phones were prohibited because Axl thinks that you can prohibit cell phones in 2016; videos and photos got out, of course.

The lineup was Axl, Slash, and Duff; other people are involved, including Dizzy Reed. (Dizzy Reed was the true heart and soul of Guns.) Despite appearances, that is not Izzy’s enormous white Gretsch hollowbody, but some other guy’s. Also, there are two keyboardists now, and one is a lady. It has been erroneously reported that she is the first female Guns member, but any fan would know that the football stadium version of Guns had not just female backup singers, but also an all-woman horn section. (Who were, of course, outfitted in sexy lingerie.)

Steven Adler’s participation is less clear: he did not play last night, but is involved with the reunion, somehow. Also: he posted this on Instagram and seems happy, if not great at English.

[embedyt] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1fHxPY3TJo[/embedyt]

Remember: get out there and vote, but if you vote for Trump, don’t come back here. You’re on your own.

Some of you, and I won’t say who (yet), have objected to what you sense will be ongoing coverage of the Year of Guns N’ Roses. Is there a multi-day examination of the band’s limited but brilliant career upcoming? Yes. Will Axl and Billy begin punching one another immediately upon meeting? Of course. Will there be a shitty poem about Steven Adler? Sadly, probably.

I empathize, of course. Perhaps you–if among the maligned–could take your custom elsewhere, and patronize one of the many other blogs that do whatever the hell this isOH WAIT, THERE AREN’T ANY.

Please stop yelling at the nice people.

They don’t appreciate me enough.

I hate you. Get back to whatever point you were making.

There’s an article in the pages (?) of Rolling Stone asking the deep and penetrating questions about Guns’ announced reunion shows at Coachella written by a guy named Andy Greene; I am assuming he is a nice Jewish boy, but he has left out many questions.

How many? We’ll know when we get to the end, won’t we? Don’t be such a smartass all the time.

Dude.

Anyway, here we go:

• Seriously, who’s in the damn band?
• You know if you don’t let Steven Adler in the band, he’s going to kill himself, right?
• Axl, have you called Steven yet?
• Does anyone even know Izzy’s phone number?
• Can Izzy Stradlin text? (I’d prefer it if he couldn’t, to be honest.)
• Is the team who sliced 60 pounds off Mark Hamill available?
• Will Buckethead be involved?
• If not, who will do the nunchuck solo?
• Did you know that Axl let that asshole do a nunchuck solo every night?
• What about Bumblefoot?
• Did you know there was a guy named Bumblefoot?
• And that Axl employed him?
• Oh, God: you’re not going to play any of the new shit, are you?
• You know that there will be a sniper positioned to take you out if the words, “Here’s something from Chinese Democracy” come out of your mouth.
• Assuming an intra-band Twitter war doesn’t scuttle the ship in March, will you be rehearsing or going with the Dead’s FTW strategy of “I’m sure we remember the arrangements?”
• Are you going to start a riot?
• You’re going to start a riot, aren’t you?
• You know the only beautiful thing to do would be to start a riot, don’t you?
• Please won’t you start a riot?