- Allergic to microphones.
- Too busy thinking about the American people, and how she can best help them.
- Bill can’t be left alone for that long without starting trouble.
- How can she give a press conference when we’re at war with North Korea?
- Car trouble.
- Fuck you, that’s why.
- She’ll give plenty of press conferences once George Soros and the Illuminati appoint her president, she promises.
- Festival season, braj.
- Because if you’re playing rope-a-dope, then you don’t wave your jaw around.
- Hillary prefers one-on-one interviews , as when everybody’s talking at her, she can’t hear a word they’re saying.
- Pokemon Go.
- Something something Benghazi.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: hillary clinton (Page 4 of 4)
- National Anthem changed from Star-Spangled Banner to the original cast recording of Hamilton.
- Get Out Of Jail Free card for Jamie Dimon.
- Texas allowed to secede.
- Interest in soccer mandated.
- Instead of pressing “two” for Spanish, now you have to press “two” for English, and it’s still going to be in Spanish because anyone who isn’t fluent in Spanish is a racist.
- All male ghostbusting to be forbidden.
- Sexism to be ended by 2020.
- An immediate raise of the minimum wage, with an end to all service and farm-related exemptions, combined with total amnesty and retroactive citizenship for all undocumented aliens residing in the country. (This is a great plan except for the fact that the economy would fall down the stairs and die if you implemented it.)
- Confiscation of all guns, including the one your father left you that you hoped to pass on to your son.
- Full citizenship and voting rights awarded to great apes, whales, very clever dogs, and cuttlefish.
- Low-key continuation of the global military occupation, and escalation of whatever the hell it is we’re doing in Afghanistan and Iraq and Syria and all the other places in that general area. (Same exact plank as the Republicans, but less gleeful about it.)
- Lena Dunham named Secretary of Problematicism.
- Something about Native Americans.
- Something else about Puerto Rico.
- Blanket ban on torture, especially if anyone finds out.
- Statehood for Cuba.
-
Because of conflicting federal and state laws concerning marijuana, we encourage the federal government to remove marijuana from the list of “Schedule 1″ federal controlled substances and to appropriately regulate it, providing a reasoned pathway for future legalization. (That’s not a joke. I copy-and-pasted it from the actual Democratic platform. Whether or not they mean it is besides the point: even if it’s bullshit, it’s heartening that potheads are now respectable enough to lie to in public.)
- Murdering Vince Foster, with the lead pipe, in the Lincoln Bedroom.
- Forwarding her e-mail directly to the Chinese, who are Communists, or the Russians, who used to be.
- Letting GoDaddy host her office server.
- Loitering.
- Loitering with intent.
- Loitering with intent and purpose. (That’s when you’re, like, really loitering.)
- If there is traffic, Hillary Clinton will sometimes kick her driver in the back of his neck with her pointy lady-shoes.
- Used to menstruate, which makes her unclean.
- No longer menstruates, which makes her useless.
- The Lufthansa heist.
- Whitewater. (Remember Whitewater? Ever think you’d be nostalgic for it? Seriously: fuck everything about 2016.)
- Personally flying to Benghazi, donning a ninja outfit, and killing four Americans with her bare hands and some throwing stars.
- Being a Libtard.
- Being a Closet Republican.
- Being a Fascist.
- Being an Globalist.
- Being an Anarcho-Syndicalist. (That’s not true: no one has accused Hillary Clinton of that, although maybe we should.)
- Christmas of ’83, Hillary cold-cocked four moms in the Toys ‘R Us getting a Cabbage Patch Kid for Chelsea.
- Impersonating a juror.
- So much arson.
“What’s needed now in American politics is consternation, confusion, dissension, disorder, chaos — and crisis, with possible resolution — and a Trump presidency is the best chance for this true progress. This is a politics of arson. I’d rather see the empire burn to the ground under Trump, opening up at least the possibility of radical change, than cruise on autopilot under Clinton.” – Christopher Ketcham (A Goddamned Idiot), Daily Beast, 6/9/16
Fuck you, Chris. This is Chris, by the way:
What a fuckin’ badass! Shit, I gotta keep looking at this guy: so smart, and so tough, and such good taste in necklaces. Look at him, folks:
And, sure: he’s got the trigger discipline of a chimpanzee in a gun shop, but that powerful mind of his is a gift to humanity.
Chris figured it out! It’s not that Hillary Clinton is an untrustworthy career politician, no better or worse than any other Beltway denizen you’d strike with a randomly thrown rock, it’s that she’s a MONSTER WHO WILL DEFINITELY DESTROY AMERICA, while Trump may be problematic (Chris seems like the type to call things problematic), but he’ll probably “tear up the system” and that would be SO FLIPPIN’ SWEET!
Maaaaaan.
Again: fuck you, Chris. Fuck you and everyone that thinks like you. Fuck your selfish, privileged, half-baked, immature bullshit. Chris, you see, doesn’t really care about what happens: he’s got a place in Moab he can hole up in, and an arsenal of weaponry. Black kid in Cleveland? Fuck you, I wanna watch it burn. Holder of federal bonds? Fuck you, I wanna watch it burn. Make-up of the Supreme Court for the next 30 years? Fuck you, I wanna watch it burn.
So, fuck you, Chris. Fuck you, and go back to Utah. Leave the rest of us to live in a country where we know that when you burn something down, it doesn’t come back.
Inappropriate Dirty Talk:
- Baby, my dong’s the IRS and I’m about to audit that butthole.
- Jumanji!
- Peter Shapiro!
- While some of the criticism of Hillary Clinton is obviously misogynistic blather, we shouldn’t disregard her spotty record of corruption and warmongering.
- Honey, have you always had this mole?
- Your dick is much bigger than your brother’s.
- I’m Batman.
- Wow, your nipples are odd.
- You’re being secretly recorded.
- Pick a card, any card.
- Is Elie Wiesel still alive?
- This is the best family reunion ever!
There are an infinite number of jokes one might make about the above tableaux, but I’ll forswear them for now in order to tell you why this story is dopey, and obviously written by someone from Washington who doesn’t know how the show business industry works.
Campaign documents reveal that Hillary Clinton’s campaign paid Katy Perry (or, actually, her production company “Katy Purry”) $200,000 for headlining some campaign appearances. There is outrage from the quarters that outrage comes from. Both the BernieBros and the BernieBronies said things on Twitter that they would never say in public.
The article fails to make clear whether there were full-on performances by Katy Perry; if there were, I’m shocked that Clinton only got charged two hundred grand. On the other hand, if Katy just showed up in a tight dress and said some stuff, then that is: A, some outlandish bullshit; and B, good work, Katy. Get that money, girl.
No other countries allow their politicians to get away with the bullshit we do; year-long elections would, in most otherwise decent and reasonable societies, lead to riots and the stampinado. There’s only so much anyone can take, less if it includes Marco Rubio. Other countries might say, “Does it really take 15 months and $2 billion to decided between two corporate lawyers you would give your left nut not to be in the same room with?”
And we would say, “Fuck you, rest of the world.” We are good at saying that and therefore, the first debate of the 2016 race is this week. TotD presents a Guide to the Perplexed (without research, although I will look at the most recent list of the fuckers because I can only name like three of them off-hand before I start making up names.)
DEMOCRATS
Hillary Clinton is the presumptive nominee and therefore the presumptive first lady President and therefore the first President not able to use the Oval Urinal. Shadier than a parasol on a porch. Probably killed Vince Foster accidentally during rough sex. Bill comes with her and will cause trouble. Probably worth electing her just to watch Sean Hannity’s head explode.
Jim Webb is from Virgina, where he was either a Senator or a Representative for a certain amount of years. Perhaps he still holds this job? We’ll never know. He’s shaped like Fred Flintstone and loves soldiers. Jim Webb will not be President.
Lincoln Chafee is from Rhode Island and therefore in the Mafia, I would assume. He will not be President.
Martin O’Malley is the former governor of Maryland. He was also the mayor of Baltimore, which is objectively a better job than being President of the United States. Big city American mayors have immense amounts of power that they can wield directly: the Presidency is like being a CEO of a massive conglomerate that you never quite understand the full workings of or even see; mayors are like small-time Kings and they get to wander around their lands telling people where to plant crops and occasionally lopping a head or two off. Mayor is a plum gig. Martin O’Malley will not be President.
Bernie Sanders is right about everything unless he thinks he is going to be President; then he wrong about one thing, because Bernie Sanders will not be President.
REPUBLICANS
Jim Gilmore is a human, probably. He will almost certainly be wearing a suit, unless he is actively exercising or sleeping. Jim Gilmore does not even deserve the dignity of being told that he will not be President. That would just be a charade, Jim Gilmore. You don;t need to be told. You know, Jim Gilmore.
John Kasich is from Ohio and runs for President a lot, I think. Maybe he was the Governor of Ohio; maybe he was the Pope of Ohio. Greenwich Village has a Pope: why shouldn’t Ohio? He looks like this:
He will not be President.
Scott Walker is the governor of Minnesota Wisconsin and gained national attention by being such a dick that a coalition of hippies, teachers, and carnies moved into the Capital Building for a month. (The carnies were not politically motivated: whatever city is the capital of Minnesota is cold in the winter and the carnies just wanted to be indoors.) He has a face like a plate full of lasagna someone pissed on. Scott Walker went to Philadelphia, which is full of loathsome people, and did that politician thing where you gag down the local delicacy and act like it’s not cheap meat and fake cheese on a bun served by a racist. While he was eating his cheese steak, local hooligans held up signs declaring things about Scott Walker’s butt; the Governor was not capable of finding a seat where he could be photographed without the idiots behind him. This disqualifies you from the White House; Scott Walker will not be President.
Chris Christie is what other countries think of us, given flesh. New Jersey governors are almost all incompetent and corrupt boobs: many of them wind up resigning in disgrace, but this will not be Chris Christie’s end. Resigning in disgrace requires shame, or at least the ability to listen to your lawyer’s advice. There is an almost 100% chance of Chris Christie telling an Iowan woman to “shut her fucking hick mouth” and he will not be President.
Bobby Jindal is another governor, this time from Louisiana, which has rebuilt the Superdome and should be congratulated for that. Bobby Jindal thinks science is for homos; he also does not like homos. Bobby Jindal and President Obama do have one thing in common: both found Christ the same week they decided to go into politics, but Bobby Jindal will not be President.
Donald Trump will also probably call someone a hick while in Iowa, but his numbers will get a slight bump because of it. He is a half-digested circus peanut with man-boobs. He bankrupted a casino, which is only possible if you take math out of the equation. In the past few weeks, he has called an entire nation rapists, given out a sitting US Senator’s personal phone number, and called a POW a loser. TotD–and all lovers of a chuckle–hope Donald Trump stays in the race forever, but he won’t, and he also won’t be President.
Jeb Bush is not the dumbest Bush; in fact, he may be the smartest of the Bush brothers. Neil could barely feed himself and has not been seen in public for a while now. You’ve met George W. Thinks he’s Cuban, for some reason. (Gets a lot of money from Cuban people might be the reason.) Him and Hillary and Chelsea and Barbara and all the rest of these people can go fuck themselves on an ice floe; Jeb Bush might be President.
Rick Perry is my hero: that man did the last campaign Bobby-level pilled-up. Ricky had him a good ol’ time: shakin’ hands, wearin’ boots, answerin’ questions. The glasses are not helping Rick Perry with the perception that he is dumb as a rock. Remember when they put Denise Richards in glasses and made her try to pronounce the word “nuclear” in that James Bond movie? It looks like that and Rick Perry will not be President.
Lindsey Graham is running on a dare. McCain’s bored and wants to go barnstorming around the Midwest. A crazy rich person is bankrolling the whole thing. A bomb has been implanted into his brain and if Lindsey Graham stops running for president, it’ll go off. One of those Juaquin Phoenix-type documentaries. The only way he can come is by eating corn dogs publicly. Being chased by meth dealers. Podium fetish. Just in the race to taunt Donal Trump into calling him a fruit. Perhaps all of these reasons, but Lindsey Graham does not actually think he could be President, which is good because he can’t.
George Pataki was a putz twenty years ago and is now an old putz. Putz.
Rick Santorum has got to be kidding at this point.
Mike Huckabee used to be Governor of Arkansas and he made Bill Clinton look honest. Now, he makes tssking noises at homosexuals, and also insinuates that women are whores. Not all women, but the ones you’d want to know, or date. Secretly the most cynical of the lot of them: Huckabee has no thought of actually winning anything, but he would like to stay in the news and raise the prices for when he goes back to TV and giving speeches. Fuck him and his bass.
Ben Carson used to be a world-class doctor and now pretends not to believe in evolution for checks and first-class accommodations, which is honestly a pretty good trade-off. Ben Carson has found himself a nice second career, but he will not be President.
Carly Fiorina is a businesslady and honestly, now.
Marco Rubio is young, Latino, and vaguely presentable. What’s going on in that head of his? Something? Nothing? We may never know, as he will not be President.
Rand Paul is from Kentucky and is a Libertarian, which is a philosophy based around going with the first thought you have. (Humans by nature have “Fuck ’em all and fetch me a beer” as their first thought.) Like dragons and Bond Villains, Rand Paul enjoys gold. Literally and honestly believes that global currency should be based on physical possession of shiny rocks. Hair is not compelling. Strongly favors the sanctity of private property unless it’s a womb, in which case that sucker belongs to all of us. Will not be President.
Ted Cruz is clearly a fictional character. He was a shady, unlikable, villainous Senator in a Young Adult novel about a dystopian society where a girl JUST LIKE YOU learns how special she is when she runs the Anger Gauntlet and he popped out of the pages Purple Rose of Cairo-style and now he’s real, but still two-dimensional. He’s just covered in flop sweat and will not be President.
This is Phil and he’s drunk:
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