“John, thanks for coming on The Radio Gordo Show.”
“Oh, not you, too.”
“We’re live on SiriusXM, Channel 29.”
“Is that the Phish channel? The Dead has a channel to themselves, so I would assume that Phish does, as well.”
…
“No, it’s Jam On.”
“Huh.”
“They play us a lot. Like, tons.”
“But also other bands, right? You share the channel with, say, String Cheese Whatevers?”
“Yeah.”
“Chris Robinson Brotherhood?”
“Yup, yup.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
…
“John, let’s take a call.”
“I don’t want to.”
“How are you, caller? We’re speaking to Ben, who is calling from a pay phone.”
“John, big fan. Have you thought about writing a book?”
“I know that gravelly voice. This isn’t Ben.”
“It’s Benjy, John.”
“Hi, Benjy.”
“You need to write a book! Well, not you. You need to get money for a book that I’ll write, and then give me some of the money and I’ll write the book and live with you.”
“What was that last part?”
“I’ll write the book.”
“Benjy, I’m very busy.”
“This will barely affect you: dictate two hundred pages of skank stories, and I’ll make up all the bullshit about your childhood, and your inspirations, and all that other bullshit no one reads in rock star books.”
“How much of Billy’s book did you make up?”
“Everything that’s not fucking and fighting is me.”
“Wow. The Healy orgy true?”
“Oh, yeah. 100%. Taped it.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I mean, Healy taped it, so it sounds like shit, but there’s a record. Billy made me listen to it.”
“What was that like?”
“Remember the part in Grizzly Man when Werner Herzog listens to the couple getting eaten? Like that, but with squishy noises and male grunting.”
“Ew. Benj, I love ya but I’m not hiring you.”
“Okay, put Mike on the phone.”
“Tell Benjy I’m not here.”
“Mike’s not here, Benjy.”
“Oh, I heard him. You two are jackasses.”
DIAL TONE BECAUSE THAT IS THE SOUND THAT PAY PHONES MAKE
…
“Doesn’t Benjy usually get murdered?”
“Every time, Mike.”
“Let’s give it a second.”
…
“Guess not.”
“Yeah, wow. Okay. This is Radio Gordo. We’re back on SiriusXM with John Mayer, who’s backstage at the Phish concert hiding from characters both real and semi-fictional and also a ninja, tripping his ears off, and wearing a unicorn onsesie. John, why do you smell like mustache?”
“Sexually assaulted by Freddies Mercury.”
“I didn’t know that was the pluralization.”
“Neither did I, but I checked with William Safire.”
“Well, if anyone’s gonna know…”
“Right?”
…
“Mike?”
“John?”
“If you’re here, then who’s playing bass?”
“Shit.”
“NO! This is NOT RIGHT! The smelly lady plays the drums!”
“Deal with it, Page.”
…
“Mike?”
“Yeah, John?”
“Should you go do something about this?”
“Nah. I’m gonna let it happen.”
“Why?”
“Page is kinda on my shit list nowadays.”
“Why?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
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