Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: john mayer (Page 13 of 42)

Tab-B-Gone

February 22, 2018 / / 14 Comments

ONE

John Mayer has brought a lot to the Dead: new fans, and new energy, and he’s also brought Fashion Dipshits. TotD, you say: “Dipshits” is too harsh.

And what about Mayer’s on-stage fit—featuring vintage L.L. Bean and Off-White Nikes—which Mordechai got to photograph before the final show? “The vintage L.L. Bean anorak was the most genius thing to wear on the beach at night—it was genius. After the first few songs, he tied it around his waist. And the running shorts! I always say there’s a special caliber of musician who plays in shorts.”

Apologize to me, Enthusiasts. Apologize for doubting my ability to choose words. That’s a guy named Mordechai Rubenstein, who has a trust fund and an Instagram account, and took pictures of brightly-frocked older gentlemen in Mexico recently. He takes pictures of strangers wearing clothes, and that is a job. Vice magazine used to do that, too, but in Mordechai’s defense: he is not ironically racist in his captions. Good for you, Mortadella.

TWO

Speaking of pictures, in 1980, a Welsh journalist named Paula Yates produced a book entitled Rock Stars in their Underpants. The title was not euphemistic. The volume contains Rock Stars you might wish to see in their skivvies (Bowie, Debbie Harry, David Lee Roth) and also Elton John.

And Lemmy.

The shot begs the question: Did ever there exist a group of assholes that Lemmy didn’t love?

THREE

This is a video of the Dead’s crew setting up Englishtown. It’s exactly as interesting as I made it sound.

FOUR

Punching Nazis is a proud American tradition, and especially a Jewish-American tradition. Jews used to be a lot less respectable; used to carry knives and blackjacks, and have nicknames like Ice Pick Willie, and Kid Twist, and Longy. They were gangsters. They used to find out where the Bund meetings were being held, and they would infringe the shit out of the Nazis’ freedom of speech.

Some things about the old days were all right.

FIVE

Candace Brightman is going blind, and the Grateful Dead is turning a blind eye. I mean, they were sweet enough to ask you to pay for it, but no one at Front Street is digging into his pocket. Candace has something called Age-related Macular Degeneration. No cure, but there’s treatment, and Candace is getting the best treatment available, not some screwy-louie bullshit involving “voltage therapy.”

Surely, we’re not sending Candace to a quack.

Real doctors go on Coast to Coast with George Noory all the time, right?

SIX

The big finish! The 92nd Street Y put this together, and it stars a heck of a lot of FoTotDs talking about the Dead and their relationship with New York City.

I’m gonna let you in on a little secret, Enthusiasts: New Yorkers are the most provincial human beings on the planet. They will claim anyone who even briefly stopped in town as a favorite son, and–if you don’t stop them–will inevitably begin talking about “the energy of the streets.” If you bring up WWII, they will discuss the Navy Yards; if the topic is the Space Race, they will recall the ticker-tape parades for the astronauts; if you are a professor of Genghis Khanology, they will rave about a Mongolian place they ate at.

(Plus, due to the number of times the Dead played NYC, their batting average is shit for the location. If you don’t count the shows after ’88, the band had a far better great show-to-middling show ratio in Atlanta.)

Everybody Shirts

February 11, 2018 / / 15 Comments

Enthusiasts, you know that TotD hates gatekeeping. Be an obsessive, or be a casual fan: it does not matter to me. But, Enthusiasts, you also know that TotD hates celebrities and their fatuous, overpriced bullshit; we now present Is This Celebrity Allowed To Wear A Dead Shirt?

YES Helen Mirren can not only wear a Dead shirt, but she can wear whatever the fuck she wants. Was Helen Mirren at Bickershaw? Did she leave early to drink champagne and fuck nobility? Probably, and that only makes her cooler. Elvis Costello was at Bickershaw, and if you had given him the option to leave early to drink champagne and fuck nobility, he would have, but no one asked him.

NO You could scrub Mikes Teller for hours, one of those Karen Silkwood showers, and he’d still smell like Axe Body Spray and a Bret Stephens’ opinion column. Look at those creepy little baby fingernails, yo. Take your foot-face back to Target with this weak shit, Mile Teller.

FINE There’s nothing that can be done at this point. We need to make our peace with the situation.

NO This is Emma Roberts, and her eyeballs are not speaking to each other. She is also an actress named Emma, but is not Emma Stone, so fuck her. She has no idea who the Dead are, but has most likely tugged off at least one of The Chainsmokers.

YES I love the Spice Girls, and I’m not apologizing for it. Bonus points for the elephant-skull iconography.

YES This is, for those unaware, an actor named Josh Duhamel. He’s one of those tall, bohunky, white boys that they grow in Los Angeles; throw a rock in an AA meeting, and you’ll hit five of them. And he’s got some serious points against him: he starred in all those monstrous Transformers movies, and he married Fergie. However, he was on a NBC show called Las Vegas, and it was my dad’s favorite program; we used to watch it together every week. Josh played Danny McCoy, an ex-Special Forces soldier now in charge of security at the Montecito Hotel. His boss was James Caan, and all the women on the show were stunning and half-naked and every member of the cast got kidnapped at least once a season. The show was car chases, titties, and guest stars including Jean-Claude Van Damme as himself. Don’t believe me?Stop doubting me, dammit.

Anyway: Josh Duhamel made my dad happy, so he can wear whatever he wants.

NO I don’t care for this woman.

SURE, I GUESS? This is a Migo. Maybe it is Joey Migo, or possibly Dee Dee Migo. He only has one tattoo on his face, which counts as conservative in the hip-hoppery of 2018. Some stylist charged him $800 for the shirt and he told his manager to “take care of that shit” and he’s gonna be soooooo confused when he’s broke in five years.

DUH Andy Cohen, who is not in the Migos in the slightest, is absolutely allowed to wear Dead shirts. (Are those John Mayer’s toppermosts on the couch behind him?)

CONDITIONAL YES Is Megan Fox even famous anymore? Either way, I am going to need her to answer some trivia questions about the Dead before she flies the colors.

NO Surprised you, didn’t I? You thought this would be a–pardon the pun–slam dunk? Once again, I have taken the contrarian path: Phil Jackson may not wear Dead shirts because I feel like he’s encroaching on Bill Walton’s turf. If you’re standing behind a giant in a Dead shirt at a show, it should be Walton. That’s his thing, man.

(Also: I am precisely as good a basketball coach as Phil Jackson. Watch: “Pass the ball to Michael Jordan.” Boom, job done.)

HELL, NO The garment is as generic as the wearer; it may as well just have GRATEFUL DEAD SHIRT written across the front in block-type. Go away forever, Dustin Tinderflint. Go back to your gated community in Montana and freeze to death like Warren Beatty at the end of McCabe & Mrs. Miller. You deserve a morally ambiguous ending, Jason Tambourine. Black people hate you, and that makes me happy, because black people hate in a rather entertaining fashion. You deserve black hatred, Jetson Tamerlane.

Absolutely You can always, always, always wear a “Tastes Great, Lesh Filling” shirt. This is a professional snowboarder named Danny Davis. You can tell he’s a professional snowboarder because he’s temporarily crippled.

(Obviously, the handsome gent on the left is Grateful Dead archivist David Lemieuxncieindiana, and he is totally allowed to wear Dead shirts, but it’s for the best that he doesn’t. You don’t wanna be that guy. And by “that guy,” I mean Mickey.)

HAD HE CARED TO, YES If Peter Jennings had felt like wearing a Dead shirt, then he could have. (Off-topic: I want Jennings, Brokaw, and Rather back. I trusted those fuckers.)

This concludes Is This Celebrity Allowed T Wear A Dead Shirt. Thanks for coming by, and remember that democracy isn’t just a good idea, it’s the law. See ya, suckers.

Stop being odd.

I didn’t know how to end.

Just stop typing.

Never.

We know.

Heaven’s On Fire On The Mountain

January 24, 2018 / / 5 Comments

“Are you the Colonel?”

“I can’t tell you this again, Mrs. Martin-Godchaux-Rodham-McKay: I am not the Colonel, and I am not a Colonel.”

“The Colonel comes by t’ call on my big sister Julep after supper. He’s so tall an’ handsome. We sit on the porch while he tells us stories ’bout Southern heroism. If’n it’s cool, we set in the music room an’ my li’l bother John Wilkes will play f’r us.”

“Ma’am.”

“Minuets an’ whatnot. John Wilkes played so beautifully. We’d later come to find out that it was him the Colonel was comin’ by t’ see.”

“I am not your brother’s gentleman caller.”

“He was also my uncle.”

“Did you grow up in a Faulkner novel?”

“South was diff’rent back then, sugar.”

“Apparently.”

“F’r example, take my daddy.”

“What was his name?”

“Daddy Jean Godchaux.”

“Nope. Wait. Oh, c’mon. Hey. Hey! The typist!”

Me?

“Yes. You used that joke already, but it was ‘Momma Jean Godchaux.'”

When?

“Like, five years ago.”

You weren’t part of this five years ago.

“I went through the archives.”

Oh, that’s sweet.

“You’re as well-known as you deserve to be.”

Oh, that’s hurtful.

“True.”

But still hurtful.

“And you’re a self-plagiarist. You’re stealing your own bad jokes about the Grateful fucking Dead, man.”

Are you trying to anger me?

“Why? Triggered?”

Don’t do that.

“Loser.”

I tried to warn you.

“Ahh-WOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOO-YEAH!”

“Oh, please tell me that isn’t–”

“Johnny MAYER! Hell-OHHHHHHHYEAH! Do you know who I am? I SAID…doyouknowwhoIamWOO!? If you know, then LEMMEHEARYA!”

“I didn’t deserve this.”

You totally did.”

“Well, howdy. Who is this bohunk?”

“Stay away from him, Mrs. Donna Jean.”

“My, doesn’t he look Jewish.”

“I truly don’t deserve any of this.”

Bowl, Share

January 20, 2018 / / 3 Comments

What the fuck?

“Go away,”

Holly.

“Not now.”

Holly.

“Fuck off.”

HOLLLLLLLY!

“Stop stealing jokes from Archer.”

What the fuck is Tom wearing?

“I was confused about that myself. It’s almost a robe, and–”

Almost a kimono, but definitely not a coat, yeah yeah. It’s called a toppermost.

“That’s not a real thing.”

It is. Rich people have a whole set of garments that normal folks don’t have access to.

“Tom’s not rich. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be on a fucking Jam Cruise.”

Is that what this is?

“Yup. You know Phil’s restaurant?”

Of course.

“Well, imagine you couldn’t leave for five days and there was a 40% chance of contracting Legionnaire’s Disease.”

Ew.

“And Turkuaz was there.”

Jesus. Y’know, it’s not too late to go back to grad school. What was your hat’s GPA?

“Okay, this was fun, but I’m busy.”

I wanna know where the fuck he got that toppermost.

“I don’t know. The store?”

Holly. Look at that garment. What store would you buy that in?

…

“Yeah, okay, you have a point.”

This is not good. I just hope–

“WHAT THE FUCK?”

–a certain social media star doesn’t find out. Heeeeeey, buddy.

“Dude, I’m steaming. Why does Brad Whitford–”

Tom Hamilton.

“–have one of my toppermosts!? He’s not even supposed to know they exist, let alone be wearing one.”

Got me.

“You know how much that cost?”

Too much?

“Waaaaay too fucking much. That’s a handcrafted piece by Sushi Sashimi.”

Not a real Japanese name.

“He’s not even wearing it right!”

How so?

“He’s fucking poor!”

John, this is an ugly side of you.

“Dude, I don’t have an ugly side. I mean, my right profile is slightly more handsome, but–”

Focus.

“I am so pissed off. What the fuck is going on here, anyway? Who’s the chick in the hat?”

The very talented Holly Bowling. And this is the Jam Cruise.

…

“I don’t know what a ‘Jam Cruise’ is, and I refuse to learn.”

Good decision.

“Does that guy have his dick out?”

Tom? I hope not. Unless it’s part of the improv. Keith Jarrett used to do that if someone coughed.

“No, not Tim.”

Tom.

“Don’t care. Not him. The guy on the left in the yellow shirt.”

…

Oh.

“It can’t be.”

If it is, good for him.

“Is this what people do on the Jam Cruise? Wear hats and take their dicks out?”

Pretty much.

“Trump’s gonna win in 2020.”

Probably.

Timberline

January 2, 2018 / / 1 Comment

Why are you here?

“Why are any of us here? Aren’t we all alone in a clearing, covered by blankets?”

No.

“I think we are.”

You need a new stylist.

“This is my pivot to video.”

I think it’s gonna be about as successful as most organizations’ pivots.

“Look how deep I’m being.”

I don’t see it.

“Like Leo, man. You see that flick? The Ruminant? I’m gonna fuck a bear.”

Good for you, JT.

“People are gonna be into this new look, I promise you.”

“I’m into it.”

“See!”

“That’s a great scrumptious, Justy.”

“You like her? Just made. Her name is Terrified Horse In The Casino. What about yours?”

“This scrumptious is from the 17th century. Use to belong to Anne Bonny.”

“The pirate queen?”

“The very one. I’m so glad to see you really stepping out with your fashion. After a while, you need to leave the normal clothing behind and go to the special stuff.”

“Thanks, John Boy. But, uh, shh.”

“Oh, it’s okay. We can talk about the secret garments only available to the rich and pretty in front of him.”

“He’s cool?”

“No. Not at all. But no one listens to him.”

“Wow. Everyone listens to us.”

“Our opinions are oddly valued, yeah. Did you see I started an internet trend the other day?”

“The Star Wars thing?”

“Yeah.”

“Dude? You brought sexy back.”

“Wow. Just…I mean…wow. That means so much coming from you.”

“Right? Cuz I’ve been there, brother. The sexy wants to run away, but you chase that shit down like Dog the Bounty Hunter. Gotta spray that sexy down with mace and let it smoke a cigarette in the SUV on the way to jail. Talk to the sexy about Jesus. And then?”

“Then you bring it back.”

“My man.”

ELABORATE HIGH-FIVING/HALF-HUGGING ROUTINE

“I notice you don’t have a dog, Timber Wolf.”

“Animals pull focus from my face.”

“Sure, sure.”

The Other Order

December 30, 2017 / / 8 Comments

Was no one paying attention to you for a minute?

“Kylo Ren challenge, bro.”

Not a thing. You made up a challenge so you would have an excuse to take your shirt off. Or, at least, the top of your shirt.

“Totally a thing. Sweeping social media.”

Uh-huh. You want a soda?

“I’m good.”

Iced tea?

“No, thanks.”

La Croix sparkling water?

“Why are you offering me drinks?”

You look so thirsty.

“Okay.”

Like, absolutely parched. Thirsty as fuck.

“Stop it.”

Desiccated.

“Fuck off.”

Wait, don’t go.

“You want to apologize?”

No, I want Garcia to see you like this. Garcia?

“What, man?”

“What the hell is with him, man?”

No one knows.

“I mean, this is my replacement?”

Preaching to the choir, buddy.

“It’s simply beyond the pale.”

I dunno. He’s pretty pale.

“He is, man. Hey, Jimmy.”

“It’s Josh–DAMMIT–John.”

“Get a little sun. Or put a shirt on. Y’know what? Forget the first thing, man. You need a shirt? I got a crate full of ’em at home.”

“I have shirts.”

“Great. Problem solved.”

An Open Letter To The Non-Matt Damon Men

December 15, 2017 / / 2 Comments

Dear Men Who Are Not Matt Damon, But Might As Well Be:

Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up as hard as you can. I know that your great big famous brains are full of opinions on this #METOO thing, but you must–for the love of God–shut the fuck up. There are two groups of notable men right now: those waiting for the story to drop, and those who haven’t been pussygrabbing their entire lives. Both categories of men need to shut the fuck up.

If you’re thinking about invoking your female relatives, shut the fuck up. If you’d like to place this historic moment in proper context, shut the fuck up. And for fuck’s sake, if the phrase “witch hunt” is marching with undeserved confidence out of your mouth, triple-dog shut the fuck up.

No one needs your take on this, Matthew McConaughey. Pipe down, Jeremy Renner. Do not help, Michael Bublé. And if you think I’m not talking to you, John Mayer, then you’ve got another think coming, mister. I know it’s been said, many times, many ways: stay out of this, John Mayer.

Sincerely,
TotD

 

After this.

Set A Course For Adventure

December 14, 2017 / / 3 Comments

Too cold for a toppermost?

“Far too cold. Toppermost is a temperate piece. Never winter. Now, this young Japanese designer named Toyota Toyota–”

No.

“–is doing incredible work in that streetwear thing they do. What he did is translate the toppermost’s feel into a halfcock.”

Pardon?

“Halfcock. What I’ve got on.”

That’s a coat, Josh.

“Don’t call me that. It’s a halfcock. See the collar? Halfcock.”

How much secret rich-person clothing is there?

“Closets worth, dude.”

Wow. Do all rich people know about this stuff? What about Warren Buffet?

“He would have access to the information. I don’t know if he’d care to investigate.”

Probably not. Why are you recuperating in Montana? It’s cold there. Don’t you have a yacht?

“I don’t have a yacht.”

You should get a yacht. Fuckboat.

“I’m not getting a fuckboat.”

Do you not realize the rich-guy trajectory you’re on? You started on guitars, and then the watches, and the cars, and now you have to buy a fuckboat.

“Stop it. I’m not getting a fuck boat.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Goddammit, he got a fuckboat, didn’t he?”

Oh, yeah.

“Jesus. Hello?”

“Johnny!”

“Don’t call me that.”

“I bought a fuckboat! You paid for it, but I bought it, so we each own half of it.”

“That doesn’t sound right.”

“We’re gonna make money on this deal renting it out when we’re not using it, but we’re gonna use it so much! It’s great, man. Y’know what you do on a fuckboat?”

“Fuck?”

“Fuck! So much fucking. I was sticking myself in nooks and crannies, man. It’s just non-stop from the moment you get onboard, and it’s classy, too. Captain pipes you aboard, real nice. You can fuck the captain if you want.”

“I don’t want to fuck the captain, Benj.”

“He can fuck you, too. Don’t get to be the captain of a fuckboat without doing some heavy fucking. Captain Harvoldson. Big guy with a beard. That guy fucks.”

“A captain came with it? How big is this thing?”

“Not huge. But, you know, it’s not a Sunfish from summer camp.”

“How big is the boat I just paid for, Benjy?”

“Not enormous. 90 meters.”

“I have no idea how big that is.”

“Not big.”

“Siri?

“Dammit.”

“How big is 90 meters?”

“300 feet.”

“Thank you, Siri.”

“I love you, John Mayer.

“Wait, did your Siri just tell you she loved you?”

“Yes. Celebrities have a different Siri. Don’t worry about it. 300 feet long? Why would I need that? Jesus, how much did it cost?”

“I have no idea.”

“How could you not know what it cost?”

“I bought it in Bitcoin. What we paid is kinda fluctuating right now. We may have gotten a really good deal. Or not. I’m gonna be honest with you–”

“You don’t totally understand Bitcoin?”

“–I don’t totally…there you go.”

“No one does. Benjy, why did you buy me a floating tub of syphilis the size of a mall?”

“That’s not the question. The question is: why didn’t I do it sooner? I cannot overstate how spectacular the fucking is. Something about the sea air and the motion of the boat. Opens up your sinuses. And your butthole. Tons of butt play on the fuckboat.”

“Benjy.”

“On the fuckboat, the butthole is seen as an equivalent genital. That’s inclusion, buddy. That’s the progressive future we’re working towards.”

“Benjy.”

“The butthole must have a seat at the table.”

…

“Buddy, you’re gonna love it. 300 feet of fuck.”

“I have a question.”

“Shoot.”

“Whom are we fucking, Benjy?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Everybody’s hot. Very hot. Top shelf for both genders and also individuals who are flowing back and forth between. All kinds of everything. But hot.”

“Sure.”

“And into it.”

“Right.”

“If you know what I mean.”

“I do.”

“I mean fucking.”

“Benjy, where did these hot people come from?”

“All over the place. There’s every race and a lot of folks, you don’t know what the hell they are. Lot of accents, too. Sometimes, they yell at you in a foreign language while you’re fucking, and that’s all right by me. I like that.”

“I mean: why are they on the fuckboat? Are they being paid?”

“Only in sexual satisfaction.”

“Ew. So…they’re, like, party people?”

“Not really.”

“Benjy, who’s on the fuckboat?”

“They’re called veeslafs. You know what a golem is, right? Make ’em out of clay, stick a prayer in ’em, they come to life?”

“Yes.”

“These are like golems, but made out of flesh.”

“Flesh?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Whose?”

“Here’s the thing–”

“This won’t be good.”

“–when I tell you, you’re gonna be upset, but when I explain the reasoning behind it, you’ll understand. Okay?”

“Fine.”

“The flesh comes from children.”

“Dammit.”

“You didn’t let me finish! I said I would explain!”

“Okay. Explain.”

“Not the good kids. Just the uggos and dummies. And fat kids. Not to fat shame or anything, but it’s just more efficient. Ten skinny kids or five fat ones: what’s easier? Fuckboat’s about smooth sailing through the water, buddy. That ethos applies everywhere.”

“Benjy, who’s harvesting these children to make sex zombies?”

“Oh, it’s not like that. The boat just erases a kid in Johannesburg or Rome or wherever and zipzops the flesh to itself by saying that it happened. Oh, also: the boat is sentient and versed in postmodernism and literary magick.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. Who the hell did you buy this from?”

“Y’know how I can die and come right back to life?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, you meet some interesting people like that. I’m not the only one who can do that. It’s a whole thing.”

“Get rid of it.”

“You haven’t even fucked on it yet!”

“Get rid of the boat, Benjy!”

“I don’t know, man. Boat’s pretty sweet.”

“Hey, Garcia.”

“Big Jer–”

“Don’t call me that.”

“–I don’t know if we’ve met. I’m Benjy Eisen. How you doing on managers?”

“I already got two or three, man.”

An Unhealthy Relationship

December 9, 2017 / / 4 Comments

“Asshole!”

Me?

“Yes, you!”

Why are you back in the hospital?

“YOU KNOW WHY!”

…

Did your appendix and Miles–

“YES!”

–Davis hunt you down? Okay, no need to be so zesty about the situation. Lower your zest.

“Fuck you and fuck your zest! I had surgery at the beginning of the week and you PROMISED to not pull any stupid bullshit while I was recuperating.”

What happened?

“I went back to Montana to rest up. I have a little cabin there, 23,000 square feet, real cozy, next door to Harrison and Calista. All I wanted to do was take it easy and watch a little teevee and maybe fly a couple porn stars in. And–if I may remind you–I was promised that I’d be left alone.”

I did promise that.

“So what happened?”

My promises are not worth much.

“Dick.”

What did your appendix and Miles Davis do to you?

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

I won’t tell anyone.

“Swear?”

Cross my heart.

“Miles Davis forcibly penetrated me using my own removed appendix as a dildo.”

Oh, that’s not right.

“IT’S FUCKING NOT, MAN.”

Settle.

“I don’t wanna settle, asshole. All of this is bullshit.”

They let you wear your toppermost in the hospital.

“Yeah, that’s pretty cool, but it doesn’t make up for the organ-rape.”

Probably not. Hey, lemme talk to Miles. See if I can work this out.

“Just keep that lunatic away from me.”

Sure. Mr. Davis? You around?

“Don’t go calling for me, motherfucker. I ain’t your dog.”

Mr. Davis, did you sexually assault John Mayer with his own appendix?

“Yeah, I did that shit.”

Why are you smiling?

“That shit was some funny shit. Little bitch was squealing and squirming.”

None of this is funny. If you hadn’t died in 1995, you’d be criminally liable.

“Nah. Bitch liked it.”

He didn’t.

“Yeah, he did. Shot his load all over his toppermost.”

Jesus.

“Couldn’t have hated it too fucking much.”

I regret bringing you into this universe.

“You knew who the fuck I was.”

I thought you’d be cranky and maybe punch some people. I didn’t in my wildest dreams imagine you’d be molesting John Mayer with his own innards.

“That’s why I’m a fucking genius and you ain’t.”

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