I saw this in Barnes & Noble the other day while I was paying $55 for a coffee-related milkshake, and needed to share it with you. It’s the embodiment of every–
“OHMIGOD why didn’t I know this magazine existed?”
–thing I find…dammit.”
“Guitars, and cars, and watches. THOSE ARE MY THINGS!”
Hey, John.
“Put the magazine in the grocery bag and no one gets hurt.”
Go buy your own.
“I’ve already done my shopping for today.”
Dude.
…
“You’re right: I’m always shopping.”
Meyers be shopping.
“Don’t call me that. C’mon, gimme the magazine. You’ve been a complete dick lately.”
I kinda have.
“Just toss it in the sack.”
What’s in there? What do Hollywood types eat nowadays?
“Ube, purple bread, and artisanal Spam. Plus twelve to fifteen acai bowls a day.”
No smoothies?
“Acai bowls are the new smoothies. Acai is a superfood, you know.”
I heard that. What exactly is it?
“A superfood.”
Yes, thank you, John. But what I’m asking is: is it a fruit, vegetable, herb, berry, tuber, what? Is it meat? Was fermentation involved? What the fuck is it?
…
“It’s a superfood.”
Oh, why do you do this to yourself?
“I hate you.”
CELL PHONE NOTIFICATION NOISE
…
“No call?
Nope.
“Ooh, it’s Twitter.”
Yeah? What does it say?
“Oh, I seriously don’t want to be part of this storyline.”
I’m almost agreeing with you on this one: he’s not allowed to interact with anyone.
…
“Why’s that thin-lipped slumlord talking shit about Katy?”
Fuck that guy.
“And why’s he talking shit about me?”
You do date.
“I’m great at it, though.”
Question.
“Shoot.”
What’s John Mayer’s idea of a perfect date?
“Emmy winner attends to my butthole while I solo. Encounter is filmed on multiple go-pros.”
What about her butthole?
“You didn’t let me finish. First I wouldWAIT! This is a trick, because while I DO date, I do NOT date and tell.”
Totally do.
“Did. And, like: twice.”
Yeah, but the two times were to Howard Stern and a Playboy interviewer.
“Tactical error blamable upon youth.”
Sure, yeah.
“And I don’t do that any more. Now, I just talk about myself in interviews.”
Yup.
“Rude. Rude and coarse. This fucking guy. Well, my mind’s made up: I am not voting for Donald Trump.”
…
Your mind was not made up previous to him insulting you in a tweet from four years ago?
“I was waiting for the debates.”
CELL PHONE NOISE
“What!?”
Oh, you know what you did.
“Tell me what I did.”
I’m not speaking to you.
CELL PHONE NOISE
“You’re the thought police.”
I’m the Dream Police, man.
“Cheap fucking Trick.”
The Trick, man.
“See: we’re friends again.”
CELL PHONE NOISE
Pick up the phone, fucko.
“I’m calling Irving Azoff about you.”
I’m sure he’d love that. Stop talking to me and talk to whoever’s on the other end of that phone.
“Who is it?”
I have no idea yet.
CELL PHONE NOISE
…
“This is John Mayer; please kill me.”
“Please hold for the President.”
“Dammit.”
“This aggression will not stand, John! I am beset upon all sides by the vainglorious, the vile, the villanous, the vertiginous, the voluminous, the vorpal,
…
“Vampires.”
“Is this about the tweet?”
“How dare he, John? I am the President of the United States and will not be spoken of in that way. I have placed myself in control of the armed forces.”
“That’s already one of your jobs, Katy. I mean, it would be if you weren’t hallucinating this whole episode.”
“If I’m hallucinating, then where did I get this uniform from?”
“Wardrobe.”
“No, John. I’m an army now.”
“No.”
“Look at squadron.”
“Those are backup dancers.”
“My fishnets are made of kevlar.”
“Katy.”
“Hanging off my belt is the Chain of Command.”
“Katy.”
“Whosoever wields the Chain shall gain the awesome power of a fully-armed and operational battle station, John.”
…
“I’m an army now, John.”
“Katy–
“Admiral Perry.”
“–you can’t go to war with Donald Trump over a tweet.”
“I can, John. The Constitution says it. I quote from Article 3 Motherfuckers that act froggy get jumped. Except all the S’s looks like F’s because they wrote it in British.”
“So many inaccuracies.”
“Don’t worry, John: we’re not going public. This is a stealth war. We’re going to be subtle.”
“Subtle? Oh, God, please don’t say–”
“Doctor Gary is going to dose Donald Trump.”
“–Doctor Gary…dammit, Katy.”
“And also I had another idea.”
“What?”
…
CELL PHONE NOTIFICATION NOISE
“What this?”
“The fuck he say about Hot Dog Dick and Princess President Big Boobies? That it! This aggression not stand! ONLY KOREA AT WAR WITH DONALD TRUMP!”
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