Did you do something to your hair?
“No, why?”
Looks different.
“New conditioner.”
That could be it.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: john mayer (Page 28 of 42)
…
…
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John?
“This is who I am now.”
Okay. Are you a super-villain now?
“Named Checkmate?”
Ooh, sure.
…
“Yes, I am.”
Awesome.
I wanna party with this cowboy.
Irving Azoff arranged the Sunoco sponsorship.
Yaas, Queen.
Hey, John Mayer. Whatcha doing?
“Being summery.”
Well done.
Bobby’s jersey says LORAX.
Also, Jeff Chimenti is my favorite person. Look at him, all goony and happy and magical. If you catch Jeff Chimenti, then he must grant you wishes; if you made a paintbrush from his hair, the art you create would go with any sofa. Jeff Chimenti talks in his sleep, but only inspirational messages and compliments. An anagram for “Jeff Chimenti” is not “Wow, he’s great.”
Also also: the fun and games are over. I need to know where Billy was.
CELL PHONE NOISE
CELL PHONE NOISE
“You’re on with John.”
“That’s the best so far, but it’s still so awful.”
“Katy, how–
“Where the fuck are you, John? Things have gotten very weird and I need rescuing.”
“Where are you?”
“Near boats.”
“Can you be more specific?”
“No, John. All the ninjas are dead and I am near boats.”
“That might be the first time that sentence has even been said.”
“John!”
“We’re loading up the Earthroamer. We’re on our way.”
“I thought you were taking Bobby’s tour bus.”
“We only have one picture of it.”
“Oh.”
“Josh! Let’s get this show on the road. Burning daylight here.”
“Coming, Bob! We’re coming, Katyfingers.”
“Don’t call me that. The boats are talking about me, John.”
“Good things?”
“I don’t speak boat.”
“Sit tight.”
“I’m driving, Bob.”
“Read your contract.”
…
“Dammit.”
“And I get control of the radio, too. Do you know there’s a show tune channel?”
“Bob.”
“Jim Fixx has a channel and it’s just black guys telling jokes.”
“Jamie Foxx. Bob.”
“Cousin Brucie, too.”
“Bobby, who is the man in the back of the Earthroamer?”
“Si me traicionas, a continuación, te mataré.”
“Oh, that’s El Guapo.”
“No.”
“From the movie.”
“No.”
“‘It’s a sweater!’ Remember that part?”
“Bob, that’s El Chapo. The Mexican crime lord who keeps escaping from prison.”
“Hola. Te mataré.”
“Yeah, Mexican crime lord, right. His hair isn’t curly anymore, and that’s a shame. Funny hair.”
“Can we just go get Katy and let the weirdness in the back of the Earthroamer take care of itself?”
VROOOOM
“Let’s motorvate.”
“All right.”
“Hey, Josh.”
“Please dont ask me–
“Do you know what a plethora is?”
“–if I know what…dammit, I’m calling Irving when we get home.”
…
“Te mataré, Yosh.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“See! Still funny.”
You really can’t grow a beard, can you?
“I’m boyish.”
Or girlish.
“You’re one to talk.”
My beard has finally started coming in even.
“What color is it?”
So I see you have a rando.
“I thought so.”
Rando War is over. These flare-ups need to stop. It’s getting…wait. I know this rando.
“No, no. I found him. He’s my rando.”
Nuh-uh. This is Mickey’s rando. I remember his eyes.
…
“He does have beautiful eyes.”
Just like Margot Robbie.
“Whatever. He counts.”
He does not count. Can’t repeat a rando. He belongs to Mickey.
“Um, excuse me? John, and…whoever the fuck you are–”
Are you familiar with the concept of semi-fictionality?
“–I’m not a rando My name is Hunter. These pictures were on my Instagram and I guess you stole them and posted them here so you could–
KUCHWAMMMSIZZLE
…
“What the fuck!?”
Holy shit.
RANDOS MUST KNOW THEIR PLACE.
Wally?
DO NOT CALL ME THAT. RANDOS DO NOT GET SPEAKING ROLES. THEY ARE SEEN AND NOT HEARD, OR THEY ARE DISINTEGRATED.
“That was a fan!”
HE WAS A RANDO AND HE WAS INSOLENT.
Josh has
“Don’t call me that.”
–a point. Plus, you shouldn’t disintegrate anyone.
I AM IN A MOOD.
Why?
WE WILL DISCUSS IT LATER.
Oh, yay.
…
“Can we discuss the pile of rando on the sidewalk?”
Oh, go wear your sunglasses.
OOH, BURN.
- Didn’t wanna.
- Underestimated an edible.
- Perfectly estimated an edible, but ate nine of them.
- Just can’t look at any dude feet right now.
- Halfway through a Settlers of Cataan game and needs to manage his lumber.
- Halfway through a divorcée from Aurora and needs to manage his lumber.
- Wandering around the lot handing out rolling papers and screaming, “CAN YOU DIG IT?” at Deadheads.
- Nap time.
- They didn’t have a jersey with the number 69 on it, so Billy refused to participate.
- Murdering Benjy for old time’s sake.
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