Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: john mayer (Page 39 of 42)

Youth And Young Bobhood

November 25, 2015 / / 0 Comments

bobby feet john mayer mean mug

Bobby just took his sandals off and this photo shows the exact moment the smell hit John Mayer’s nostrils.

OR

John Mayer looks like the guy who stands behind the main guy who threatens people in movies and helps.

“You got two days to get me dat money.”

“Two days.”

OR

“…Like I was saying, Phil and I had wandered out to a small clearing and built a revel fire. We stripped down and gave each other the ritual massages, but as we talked about baseball the entire time, it wasn’t gay. Then, from above, there was a great light and a bright roar and all that had before been black shone like the headlights on Jesus’ Camaro.

“It was aliens! Or so Phil said. Admittedly, Phil sees alien involvement in many places it turns out to not exist; for a good decade, he had a pet theory about Rigellians building the Washington Monument. This time, though, he was right. It was their ship and it was whirring and beeping and whooshing: all the alien bullshit you’d expect. I cried out:

“‘WHY HAVE YOU COME HERE?’

“And they couldn’t hear me because the aliens were actually Mickey in a stolen helicopter. Turns out those things are real easy to fly. Plus, you know: the downdraft of the chopper spread the revel fire into the surrounding brush and started a pretty large fire. The fighting of which was hampered by the fact that Mickey had stolen the helicopter used for fighting fire.

“Kind of a loser of an evening all around.”

OR

Bobby’s a latecomer to Dead Shirt Wearin’, but he’s picked it up quickly.

OR

Potato salad.

The Man In The Mask

November 24, 2015 / / 0 Comments

deadandco jm jc billy mickey mask

The Dead or What’s Left of ‘Em have hit Colorado, where marijuana is legal. If I were Colorado, I would be fighting as hard as possible to keep marijuana illegal everywhere else so I could be the Vegas of doobies. Instead of casinos and drinks, there would be comfortable chairs and plentiful appetizers and jam bands every night.

Assorted notes:

  • Even with the gas mask on, Mickey is still not wearing the dopiest headcovering.
  • Take that shmata off, Young John Mayer.
  • Speaking of hats, Billy has grown very attached to Red Rider up there.
  • The best-looking guitar amp is four Marshall stacks; the second-best-looking is a tweed amp.
  • These men are high.
  • Not trying to blow up anybody’s spot over here, but: these guys are high as fuck.
  • Billy may or may not also be drunk.
  • Careful observation will reveal that Mickey is wearing a sweatband under his sweatsuit.
  • Good work, Mickey.
  • Completely empty or full arenas look much smaller than arenas with a few people scattered throughout the stands.
  • Jeff Chimenti’s hair is spun from childhood dreams and first loves.
  • You might be able to substitute one of Jeff Chimenti’s strands of hair for the usual unicorn hair used in one of Ollivander’s magic wands and still get some magic out of the sucker.
  • If you floss with a hair from Jeff Chimenti, then you will never get another cavity.
  • Speaking hair, John Mayer just turned 38.
  • Not one grey.
  • Just saying.
  • Billy’s sweater looks very soft and pettable, but if you pet Billy, he will punch you in the dick.
  • Unless you are a stone-cold fox and pet him on his dick.
  • Billy’s fine with that.
  • How long were they in Colorado before Mickey had smoked so much weed that he’d gotten bored with the normal methods of ingestion and started gas-masking?

When You Smile For The Camera

November 23, 2015 / / 0 Comments

john mayer katy perry vacation
“That’s really you, John?”

“It’s me, John Mayer. That terrible Texas person kidnapped me, Katy-doodle–”

“Don’t call me that.”

“–and put on a sim-suit to pitch woo at you but I escaped and saved you.”

“I sent my security guys to rescue you.”

“Smile!”

“Cheese!”

“Now pouty!”

“Pouty!”

“Now take out those million-dollar boobies and shake ’em at me like they were misbehaving babies!”

“What?”

“Take me to the produce section and show me your cantaloupes.”

“Excuse me?”

“Put me on the bus to titty-town.”

“Stop that.”

“Gimme them naughty bumpy lumps!”

…

“Are you Billy in a sim-suit?”

“Dammit.”

“SECURITY!”

MEANWHILE, IN FRONT STREET

“Are they all going to take a turn?”

SOMETIMES THEY GET FIXATED ON AN IDEA AND EXPLORE IT FROM MANY ANGLES.

“What the hell is a sim-suit, anyway?”

HAVE YOU SEEN A MISSION IMPOSSIBLE? THERE HAVE BEEN MANY.

“Sure.”

LIKE THE MASKS IN THOSE FILMS, BUT FULL-BODY.

“That makes no sense.”

AND YET HERE YOU ARE, TIED UP AND TALKING TO A SOUND SYSTEM FROM 1974. LIFE GOES ON WHETHER OR NOT YOU UNDERSTAND IT.

…

“Who makes the sim-suits?”

ALEMBIC.

A Quick One While We’re Away

November 22, 2015 / / 0 Comments

[PDF] Katy Perry and John Mayer“Katy-doodle–”

“Don’t call me that.”

“–we only done got 48 hours for this safari interlude before I gotta get back to soloing. We all gonna get to Colorado and smoke doobies that are so high-class that they step out of the shower to take a dump.”

“Why are you talking like that?”

“When I see these savannahs–”

“Nope.”

“–fecund with life and stuff to look and shoot at, well: my trigger-boner gets itchy.”

“We’re not shooting anything. What are you talking about? ‘Trigger-boner’ is not a thing.”

“GONNA BRING DADDY A TROPHY!”

…

“Are you really my on-again/off-again celebrity boyfriend John Mayer, or is this more of the Grateful Dead’s bullshit that, as the highest-earning female performer in America last year, I neither deserve nor tolerate?”

“I may have had a sim-suit made up that mimicked Young John Mayer’s physique and features, yes.”

“And you really are?”

“Roy Head. Yes, that–”

“SECURITY!”

“–Roy Head…yeah, that’s an understandable call.”

THERE IS A STRUGGLE.

“Wait. Where’s John?”

 

CUT TO: FRONT STREET, INTERIOR

YOU ARE PRETTY, BUT BOBBY WAS MUCH PRETTIER.

“How do you even see me? You don’t have eyes.”

HOW DO YOU MAKE SOUND WITHOUT A CENTER CLUSTER?

“Fine. Can you at least untie me.”

HOW? I HAVE NO HANDS.

“I see what you’re doing.”

YOU ARE BODY-SHAMING AND IT IS NOT RIGHT.

“You don’t have a body! You’re a semi-fictional PA system!”

ENJOY BEING TIED UP, JOHN MAYER.

Wrap-Up

October 30, 2015 / / 0 Comments

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TotD is making the ruling: it’s a scarf with sleeves. Maybe a flannel kimono. Although–from the little chi-chi balls on the bottom–it could also be a throw rug.

To come out with it: I don’t know how much I’ll be writing about the Dead Or What’s Left Of ‘Em. Maybe I’ll live-blog every show; maybe I’ll fulfill my dreams and turn this place into Thoughts on the New York Dolls (“They were okay, I suppose.”)

Feel free to make yourselves heard in the Comment Section, but do keep in mind that this is not a democracy.

Tonight, though, will be Dead & Company free, but here’s a review from the New York Times, and an article with videos from the Wall Street Journal. Other people wrote about it, but I am a snob and do not care what the local Albanian paper thinks.

Healthy As A Horse

October 23, 2015 / / 0 Comments

phil country shirt old
Hey, Phil. Whatcha doing?

“What I love.”

Yeah. Nice to see you, buddy.

“You can call me Phil.”

Does your shirt have a horsey on it?

“A patriotic one, yes.”

Is the sweatband under—

“We’re done.”

–the cuff?

…

Phil?

“What?”

Glad you’re back.

“Hell, me too.”

Want a laugh?

“I think I deserve one, yeah.”

john mayer sweater
“That Mayer?”

Yeah.

“Jesus, it’s a casino fire over there.”

…

“You think he knows Mickey’s gonna steal it?”

Nope.

“Heh.”

Cheese, Cake

October 20, 2015 / / 0 Comments

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I posted the photo of this the other day, so obviously all I’d like to discuss is Alex’s comment; here’s the best thing about it: that John Mayer is a cheesedick is not in question, just the size of his cheesedickery. It’s like he’s writing a mathematical proof and gave his axioms upfront.

Also: “L?” Is that acid? That’s a terrible name: L is a letter without any panache to it. X is percussive and sibilant and dangerous; H has a breathy cool to it. L just don’t make it. Plus, if you were an acid dealer and only called it L and wished to sell your product to folks from Japan, that drug deal would be racist.

Also also, were you aware that T dropped yo ass? I was not, but now am.

Also also also, does Young John Mayer love that van that much? Over a guitar, or a replica of one of his many watches? Wow.

Also also also also, that van has herpes.

Also etc., if you Photoshop the table and cakes out, then Bobby and John Mayer are karate-bowing to each other and about to karate-kick one another.

Company

September 23, 2015 / / 6 Comments

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Why does this remind me of a pet portrait where the dog’s eyes are obviously focused on a piece of hamburger held up next to the camera? What could so command the attention of Dead & Company? (“Dead & Company: So It’s Come To This.”)

A powerful and stanky-ass doobie? A Kandinsky? The other side of the Kandinsky? Straight cash, homie? Is it the Ghost of Reunion Tours Past?

Did someone off-camera mention that “you guys look like a pair of gay grandpas and their grandson, and also Mickey?”

Has Katy Perry entered–

“Excuse me.”

–the room and removed her…yes?

“That’s not the whole band, is it?”

Who is this? Who am I speaking to?

“I mean: there are others involved in this group?”

There are. Who is this? Jeff Chimenti?

“And the fact that some of us are not involved in the publicity is just sort of, well, interesting.”

Oteil?

“Let’s just call me a supporting player.”

SHOW YOURSELF!

box bobby

Oh, Goddammit.

“I am a Grateful Dead!”

You most certainly are not a Grateful Dead. You are an inanimate object.

“So was Keith!”

Point conceded, but this is weird.

“It’s because I’m red.”

It isn’t.

“If it weren’t for me, Bobby wouldn’t have made it through the Fare Thee Well shows.”

That applies to Billy’s check, too: doesn’t make it a band member.

“Racism.”

What?

“You heard me. This disrespect is based in racism.”

The Grateful Dead are not racists: some of their best bass players are black.

“Mm-hmm. And how is that going?”

Great! Been two hours since anyone called him Branford!

…

“RED LIVES MATTER!”

Goddammit.

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