Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
It wasn’t a Dead show without a Chuck Berry song, even if they didn’t play one.
*I know Chuck technically didn’t write U.S. Blues and OMSN, but they are Chuck Berry songs.
“Where am I?”
A mountain.
“I’m home?”
Different mountain.
“I only live on one.”
Sundance, Bobby. The movie premiere.
“Did I do porn again?’
Again?
“Forget I said that. Wait. Documentary.”
Right.
“How many documentaries they gonna make about me?”
You’re fascinating.
“You bet. Hey, question.”
Shoot.
“Why am I jamming with Meatloaf?”
Not Meatloaf. John Popper.
“I don’t know if that’s better or worse.”
You took the words right out of my mouth.
Popper left the stage for a while; he just came out for the Hard to Handle>Foolish Heart–
That’s not a thing; stop saying it like it’s a thing.
–but this is him and Kids from before the second set started going sideways. Uncle John’s Band does not need an extended conga solo, because it exists, and nothing that exists needs an extended conga solo.
Annnnd we’re into NFA and if the past five decades are a guide, this is the end of the set. If any of the living Deads wanted to be funny, they could open up a show with Not Fade Away and then the crowd would leave, but the check would still be good. (I cannot believe Billy has not tried this yet.)
Question: does Billy still get paid for the cancelled Lock’n show? Because if he does, then he’s a good bottle of wine and a sloppy blowjob from bowling 300 tonight. A good rule of thumb is to always get paid twice for doing something once.
John Popper is back, making sounds that are giving me Post-Traumatic Freshman Year Disorder.
Is there any way Dead & Company can sound like this, and not, you know, bad?
Also–and this is a left-field kinda thing–what if Beyoncé was in the band?
There would be many benefits to Beyoncé joining Dead & Company: the publicity alone would make it worth it. Beyoncé also insists that the musicians she hires (Beyoncé would begin treating the Dead as her back-up band from the first phone call) rehearse, so that would be good for everyone. Jay-Z would also do a guest verse, and that would go entertainingly.
In related news: GODDAMMIT. Popper.
In semi-related news:
I GOT EYES AND EARS EVERYWHERE, CHICKENSUCKERS.
Ever wonder what Trump’s supporters look like?
Here are things I did not know about John Popper until I looked him up on Wikipedia:
Here is something I did not know about Woody Hayes before I looked him up.
“Oh, you did? You brought your harmonicas?”
“The plural is harmonicae, and: yeah. Plus the–”
“Bandolier things.”
“–harmonicassock, so if you need–”
“Wait.”
“–me to play in any key at all–”
“John, do you call that thing a harmonicassock?”
“Yeah. That’s its name.”
…
“Fine.”
“So, you know: I’ll be around for Spoonful or Miracle or whatever. You know there’s never been a Dark Star with a harmonica solo?”
“Imagine that.”
“You just gimme the nod.”
“Dude, in no way am I allowed to invite buddies up to jam.”
“I won’t tell Mike.”
“It’s not about that.”
“Okay, whatever: just know that I’m ready. I need 40 glasses of water to dunk my harmonicae in.”
“No.”
“Fine.”
…
“Craft services is that way.”
“Lovely to see you again, Treyvon.”
“As always, Jonnifer.”
The only picture I can think of more 90’s than this one:
…is this one:
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