Hey, Amir. How you doing, buddy?
“Fine. I’m fine. Let’s talk later.”
You sure?
“Everything’s fine. Don’t worry. All good.”
Where’s Harvey’s other hand?
“Don’t worry about it.”
Is it on your shmeckel?
“I said not to worry about it.”
Did he quote Jay-Z at you?
“No, DMX.”
Harvey Weinstein quoted DMX at you?
“He was barking and crying; I assumed it was DMX.”
Logical.
“Dude, I’m fine.”
Blink twice if you’re not.
“It’s a photograph. This isn’t Harry Potter. Pictures don’t move.”
They don’t carry on conversations with shut-ins, either. Blink twice if you need help.
BLINKING NOISE
BLINKING NOISE
I knew it. I’m sending help.
“Please don’t send help.”
Josh!
“Oh, God, don’t send him.”
“I think I’d rather have the other Josh.”
“Amir? Buddy? Tell me, Hollywood scion Josh Brolin, and whoever this tall guy is what Harvey did to you.”
“He didn’t do anything to me.”
“On you? Did he do stuff on you?”
“I really don’t want to talk about this.”
“Amir, you’re with friends.”
“I don’t know who the tall guy is.”
“Me, either, but look at that fucking adam’s apple. Fucker looks like a half-opened Pez dispenser.”
“Guys, I’m fine.”
“Amir, dude: I am totally on your side since this morning. Last week? You would have had to take one for the team. But now, you know, situation’s changed a bit. Or maybe it hasn’t. I mean, Woody Allen’s got a new movie coming out soon, so who knows how this whole thing will end up.”
“You’re not helping, Josh.”
“Should I find a doll? You could point on the doll where he touched you.”
“No doll.”
“What about some appetizers?”
“Oh, that would be great.”
“I’ll find a waiter. You hang out with the tall guy.”
“But I–”
…
“So. Uh. You’re pretty lofty.”
“Wanna watch me shower?”
“OH, GOD, IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN!”
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