Tag: katy perry (Page 7 of 8)

“THINGS HAVE GOTTEN WEIRD, JOHN MAYER!”

“No, sweetie: you’re in a foreign art gallery.”

“Are the giants going to eat us?”

“Not both of us.”

“Oh.”

…

“In my defense, the last pill I took did say ‘Eat me.'”

“That was printed on it?”

“No, the pill talked. I’m beginning to think the rogue chemist might be a mad scientist.”

“Doctor Gary?”

“Oh, you know him?”

“Please come home and be a normal famous person again. Rihanna keeps asking where you are.”

“NO MY NAME IS HALLUCINOGENNIFER AND MY MIND IS ON A FANTASTIC VOYAGE THROUGH A GANGSTER’S PARADISE. I’m gonna run away now!”

RUNRUNRUN

…

…

…

“Goddammit.”

“Look, John Mayer: llamas.”

“Those are horses.”

“‘Llama’ is Spanish for ‘horse.'”

“Nope.”

“The people of this region are nomadic, and rely on the llamas for transportation and then they eat them. Also, sex.”

“You’re smarter than this: what have you taken now?”

“Have you ever inhaled nitrous?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, now imagine it’s a pill and it lasts six hours.”

“Who the hell is making this crap?”

“John, I can’t go over this again: I’ve employed a disgraced Nobel laureate to build me a pharmaceutical log flume to total consciousness.”

“Does he have a name?”

“Doctor Gary.”

“He sounds trustworthy.”

“Oh, no: klepto and a snitch.”

“Sure.”

…

“Katy?”

“Mrs. Katy Jean.”

“Where do you think you are right now?”

“Lemongolia.”

“Uh-huh. And that is?”

“Like Mongolia, but zestier.”

“Goddammit.”

“Katy–”

“IMPERATOR PERRIOSA!”

“–can we…oh, good: you’ve renamed yourself again.”

“I am occupying another personality cluster; subscribing to a different memeplex; inhabiting a new personal arcology of motifs.”

…

“And, I can do tricks. Watch me, John! VROOM!”

“Nice Segway.”

“I bought it from Kanye, but I’ll probably end up giving it to some naked people.”

“The circle of life.”

“I also had a great idea for my show for the next tour.”

“Does it include a drum solo?”

“No!”

…

“Is the entire idea ‘drum solo?'”

“Yes!”

“Katy–”

“Mrs. Katy Jean.”

“–I realize that your hallucinogenic travels have opened up your mind to new musical possibilities, but you’re a pop star. Gotta play the hits.”

“I will write new hits. New hits about jamming untested psychoactives into oneself, and also girl power.”

“Bodily autonomy extends to the metaphysical realm, I suppose.”

“And the Grateful Dead will back me on my stadium tour.”

“They won’t do that.”

“I will pay them.”

“They’ll do that.”

“I have abandoned China for Africa, my true love John Mayer.”

“We’re keeping it casual, and I think this is one of your music videos.”

“No.”

…

“Africa.”

“Fine. Is this part of your hallucinogen-inspired journey of self?”

“No true White Person Walkabout would be complete without a voyage to Africa.”

“Please don’t call it–”

“The Motherland.”

“–the Motherland. Please come home.”

“I am the Queen of the Jungle, John.”

“The elephant is not a jungle animal: it doesn’t fit. I won’t even ask what the tiger is doing in Africa.”

“I had him flown here. He used to belong to Tippi Hedron.”

“Oh, neat.”

“My consciousness has expanded, John. I am the first true Biophile. Do you know what that means, John?”

“No.”

“It sounds cool, though, right?”

“How much LSD have you taken?”

“LSD? We’re beyond that now. We’ve been communicating with the beasts through a new chemical, 2CV.”

“Is that like 2CB?”

“Yes, but with a V.”

“Where are you even getting this stuff?”

“I’ve employed a rogue chemist as my personal entheogenicist. He’s a Nobel winner.”

“How the hell did you get a Nobel winner to cook for you?”

“He’s also a drunken anti-Semite with gambling debts.”

“Rare combination.”

“Not as rare as you’d think: the list of Nobel laureates is peopled with reprobates, deadbeats, junkies, and four confirmed sexual pickpockets.”

…

“Sexual pickpockets.”

…

“Sexual pick–”

“What’s a sexual pickpocket?”

“When you don’t realize you got jerked off til a half hour later.”

“You have gotten very weird, Katy.”

“Mrs. Katy Jean. I have become glorious.”

“Goddammit.”

“I know kung fu, John Mayer.”

“There you are. How did you get to China?”

“”My journey began in Goa.”

“That sounds about right.”

“I was at the greatest party ever thrown.”

“They have that party every weekend in Goa. It’s just Ibiza, but you can’t get a steak.”

“My tripping squad assembled, and we took many things: LSD, mushrooms, molly, 2CB, RX7–”

“That’s a Mazda.”

“–G, K, H, and then we had some Q.”

“Q?”

“Quesadillas.”

“Sure.”

“I became one with the universe; then many with the multiverse; finally, I became all with the omniverse. I was a metaphysical slut, kinda. This set me on the path to East. I wandered through the jungles of Tooshir, and across the Desert of Rain; I forded many streams, and leaped over several small brooks and creeks. KNOWLEDGE? WHERE DO YOU LIVE? I cried out.”

“Literally?”

“A couple times.”

“Okay.”

“At last, I reached the Shaolin temple, where I had been told great masters trained.”

“Who told you that?”

“I met The RZA at the Grammy awards.”

“That makes sense.”

“I knocked on the door and pleaded my case, approaching as a supplicant and novitiate. They cursed me, John! Told me to go away and that I was stupid and smelly and other things, I would assume. I don’t speak Chinese.”

“Yeah, they won’t let you in the first time. What did you do?”

“Flashed ’em. Doors flew open. Girl’s gotta use what the good Lord gave her in this man’s world.”

“Okay. And you’re a Shaolin monk now?”

“I’ve been training, but the robes clash with my eyes and Moschino is whipping me up something, so I don’t look like a monk, but I’m totally a Shaolin monk now. I’ll kick your ass.”

…

“I thought this was about enlightenment?”

“Turns out kicking is more fun than meditating.”

“Please come home.”

“NO. I’M SPIRITUALLY EVOLVING.”

“I live in a squat now, John Mayer. The LSD has opened up my eyes, and my chakras, and several joint bank accounts. I RENOUNCE MY STARDOM AND POSSESSIONS. Who should I give everything to, John?”

“Well, I’ll take it.”

“ISIS?”

“Please don’t give your…why would you even consider that?”

“What about an animal shelter?”

“So much better you cannot imagine. But please don’t give away your worldly goods.”

“The jewels, the clothes, the houses, the cars: all of it, John. It weighs on me, like I was giving a piggy-back ride to a chubby midget.”

“Have you been doing that?”

“My psychedelic experience has taken many odd twists.”

“Apparently. Listen, Katy–”

“Mrs. Katy Jean.”

“–let’s get out of here; I don’t think it’s safe.”

“We’re in a post-apocalyptic foreign squat: what could go wrong?”

“C’mon, I got the Earthroamer. Let’s go before someone steals my hubcaps, or my engine, or the entire thing. Besides, I got pop tarts.”

“Cherry with vanilla frosting?”

“Yup.”

…

“My destiny lies within the kitchen section of your van.”

“Earthroamer”

“Whatever.”

“Hello, John Mayer.”

…

…

…

“Goddammit.”

“This is the Baghwan Sri Chernobyl. He’s the Child of God, and I am one of his many parents. It’s a cult.”

“They just came out and told you it was a cult?”

“Yeah, I really appreciated their honesty.”

“How’s it going?”

“I signed over my power of attorney.”

“Sounds about right.”

“And after that was brainwashing and a lot of weird sex stuff. Remember how I thought the stuff you liked to do was weird? That was nothing.”

“Are you enjoying this?

“I’m learning so much!”

“Okay.”

“Plus, Tuesdays are–”

“Taco Tuesday.”

“–Taco Tuesday, yeah. They’re really good tacos.”

“Please come home.”

“My home is the beard now.”

“Goddammit.”

“I have renounced my possessions and gone in search of the wisdom of the East.”

“This is Peru, Katy. Not the East in any way.”

“To the Chinese, Young John Mayer–”

“Don’t call me that.”

“–this is the East and they believe it to be a place of magic. Magic is everywhere. I am also learning how to play the pan flute.”

“How’s that coming?”

“I’m no Zamfir.”

“Well, he was the master.”

“Sure.”

“I should do some shows with that guy.”

“THESE MOUNTAINS ARE NOT AS OLD AS MY THOUGHTS!”

“Katy, please get back in the helicopter.”

“I traded the helicopter.”

…

“Please don’t say–”

“For the pan flute.”

“–for the pan flute. Goddammit.”