“Good morning, everyone. I’m the Secretary of Homeland Security, and my name is Kristjen Nielsen. That ‘j’ is in there to really emphasize just how Scandinavian I am. I’ll be taking your questions about anything you want to talk about, but before we do that: how about them Caps? Stanley Cup, huh? Anyone get to go the parade? I’ve been busy, but it looked fun.”

“Secretary Nielsen, why are you giving this press conference instead of Sarah?”

“She flat-out refused to do it, so we tried pushing and pulling on her, but she collapsed like a big dog. Y’know how when a dog doesn’t want to go somewhere and it just goes limp on the ground? Sarah Huckabee Sanders did that not five minutes ago. So you got me today. What’s your name, sir?”

“Jim Acosta.”

“Acosta, huh? Wow. That’s a real cage-y sort of name.”

“You have to be kidding me.”

“I am. There are no cages. You and the rest of your cohort in the fake news have been spreading lies about how the American government is keeping children in cages.”

“That’s not true?”

“It’s not. We’re keeping children in kennels.”

“What’s the difference?”

“It’s a whole different vibe. Much more chill. And quite frankly, the proud men and women of the Border Patrol–some of whom died on September 11th–do not appreciate you using such purposefully charged language. It’s insulting when you say ‘cage.’ The Border Patrol would also like you to stop saying ‘children.'”

“What should we call them?”

“Future Rapists.”

“I’m not going to call children that.”

“Untermenschen?”

“You’re just gonna say it in the original German?”

“Who else has a question that’s not the black lady in the second row? You, over there.”

“Secretary Nielsen, what is your response to the pictures and video coming out of these detention camps?”

“Oh, I haven’t seen any of that.”

“Why not?”

“Can I tell you a secret? I stopped watching the news, like, six months ago. There was just so much GRRRRR, y’know?”

“Well, I have it all saved on my phone. I could show it to you.”

“Space Force!”

“What?”

“Space Force! Who else has a question?”

“The black lady in the second row!”

“I haven’t listened to the new Beyonce record.”

“That wasn’t my question. President Trump has said several times that he doesn’t like the policy of separating children from their families. Why doesn’t he do something about it?”

“Why didn’t Obama do something about it?”

“That’s not an actual answer.”

“I disagree with the premise of the question, then. The President is doing quite a bit. For example, he’s tweeting. And he’s using the children as leverage in a political battle.”

“But that’s not doing anything for the children.”

“Why would he? They’re foreign criminals.”

“Even the babies?”

“Trojan babies. Yes? The man with the large mustache and glasses?”

“Yes, um, Madam Secretary. Has any thought been given to the proposition that the children are picked up by the ankles and smashed against trees? It’s a real cost-saver.”

“Stevie Miller, is that you?”

FAKE MUSTACHE AND SUNGLASS REMOVING NOISE

“You got me.”

“What a kook. You are a kook, you kook.”

“I know, right?”

SHZAMP!

“Did he just disappear in a cloud of brimstone?”

“Yeah, he does that. How about another question? You. Little sour-faced one.”

“Ashley Parker, Madam Secretary.”

“I thought that was a line of clothing for fat girls.”

“Could I ask my question?”

“Ask away.”

“Is the administration at all concerned with the growing and overwhelming disapproval of this policy by the American public?”

“There is no disapproval, and if there is, which there isn’t, it’s because the fake news media concentrates on images and facts taken completely out of context. Like when you depict the kids behind a door made of chain link, and you don’t mention that the door is opened for almost 90 minutes a day.  What about the fact that the vast majority of children are not being sexually abused by guards? How about giving the Border Patrol a little credit for assembling all those tents so quickly?”

“This just got really dark.”

“Well, America is running internment camps for children, man. There’s just no cheerful way to spin this. It’s like my dad used to say: America is an omelette. And you can’t make an omelette without throwing babies in cages.”

“I don’t want to be in this little sketch any more.”

“We’re here, motherfucker! We’re all trapped in this bullshit together! Steve Miller!”

“Mein Lieben?”

“Let’s go kick a couple toddlers to death!”

“I just came!”

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