- Clash cymbals Specifically clash cymbals, also called concert cymbals, and here’s why: the straps. Regular cymbals get affixed to stands with a nut and bolt, so there’s just a little hole in the middle; no handhold. Clash cymbals are the ones marching bands use, one big cymbal in each hand, and they have straps so they don’t go flying off. There are so many possibilities for violence with a clash cymbal: winging it at someone like Captain America’s shield, slicing faces up, hitting them against each other with your enemy’s head in the middle like in the cartoons, the list goes on. Perfect weapon.
- Daxophone Yeah, I didn’t know what it was, either, but look at the thing:
That’s what a Klingon moil uses to circumcise babies. Wikipedia says it’s an instrument, though, so I’m counting it. - Drumstick The humble drumstick, bought by the dozen and just as quickly discarded, is a surprisingly effective and multifaceted melee weapon: you can keep an attacker at greater-than-arm’s-length, you can poke an eye out, you can stick it right up a butt. Plus, there are those leverage-holds that cops use their batons to do, and you can harness the deadly power of splinters. Solid weapon.
- Tambourine Upside: those little cymbals are sharp as fuck. Downside: they would hear you coming.
- Conga, Djembe, etc. Getting dicey by now: a conga or its equivalent–a big empty cylindrical piece of wood with the skin of an animal covering one of the holes–has some heft to it; you could use it as a bludgeon, I suppose, but you might as well pick up the drum stool. Also, there’s nowhere to grasp it properly so you can swing it around. Only in emergencies.
- Xylophone, marimba, vibraphone, etc. I suppose you could push one of these desk-size instruments towards your opponent and pin him against a wall or something. Might as well go get your car and run over him.
- Doug E. Fresh, the Human Beat-Box Please do not use Doug E-Fresh, the Human Beat-Box, as an improvised weapon in a kung fu fight (or karate).
- Triangle Virtually useless as a weapon. Perhaps you could hold it by a side, and then you’d be punching people with a 60-degree angle, but it’s inadvisable. If you winged it real hard at someone’s head, it would hurt; you could maybe break a nose or knock out a tooth.
- Whistle Completely useless as a weapon. Too light to throw, too small to hit someone with, no sharp edges. If you tried to grasp it in your fist to hit someone, with the mouthpiece sticking out between your fingers like you would a key, then you’d certainly fuck your hand up more than your intended victim’s face. Bad weapon.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: kung fu
- Many people would die, depending on to whom the flying guillotine was given.
- The best case scenario is Phil slices off a thumb the first time he picked it up.
- Worst case scenario, obviously, is either of the drummers getting ahold of it, with Mickey being more dangerous, as he has martial arts experience and seems like he have a better throwing arm than Billy.
- Garcia most likely wouldn’t go near the thing, but he would almost certainly leave it lying around where just anyone could pick it up.
- The media doesn’t report on this, but many children are accidentally decapitated when they play with flying guillotines their parents have left unsecured; responsible flying guillotine owners can take a free safety class offered by the NFGA (National Flying Guillotine Association.)
- Both Brent and Keith would also injure themselves if given a flying guillotine, but Brent would do it on purpose, and Keith would fall onto it.
- I really cannot emphasize enough how terrible an idea it would be to give the Grateful Dead a flying guillotine.
Watching Kung fu movies again, buddy?
Little bit.
Was it about a guy with–
Flying guillotine.
—a flying…sure.
Great movie. Blind guy with a flying guillotine goes to a martial arts tournament and starts lopping off heads until the One-Armed Boxer kills him.
Go on.
The score is Krautrock.
Keep going.
Racist as shit.
How so?
The big martial arts tournament features fighters from all over Asia, except they’re all clearly Chinese dudes in whatever the Eastern version of blackface is. In fact, the Indian fighter is actually literally objectively a Chinese dude in blackface.
This movie sounds full of microaggressions.
And of the macro variety: the bad guy wears a swastika smock the whole film.
The bad guy’s a Nazi?
Buddhist.
Same thing.
Mostly. You gotta see this: it’s old-school brutal and violent, but smart and funny – sometimes intentionally and sometimes, due to the budget being twelve bucks, by accident. There’s a gonzo propulsion to it which is aided by the fact that there is–and I’m not making this up–not one non-punching character.
No NPCs?
Everyone in movie punches someone in the face at least once.
Sold for a dollar and a quarter!
Check it out on YouTube for free or on iTunes for $3.99. The free version is subtitled instead of dubbed (yay!) but the print is not pristine for most of the film and–in several short scenes–almost unwatchable. (They’re short, I promise.) Master of the Flying Guillotine, live and at the right price on any device of your choosing. This is the future we’ve chosen.
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