Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: long strange trip (Page 3 of 3)

Twenty Thoughts About Long Strange Trip

1.

Let’s get this out of the way: this is one of the best music documentaries ever made. Take away the films about a show–Woodstock, Stop Making Sense, Last Waltz–and it’s mostly dreck and filler cluttering up the bottom rungs of your Netflix queue: white guys recounting stories about arguing with the record company; hagiographies that blip by all the corpses; tedious chronologies. Some are fun, in a background kind of way, half your ear listening for an interesting story and tootling around on your computer.

Not Long Strange Trip. Might be art. I think it’s art, but we’ll have to wait to see if they hang it in a museum.

2.

If I were a suicidal guy named Art, I would hang myself in a museum.

3.

Possible Television Spin-Offs Of Long Strange Trip I Would Watch Religiously

Glabba Humb? with Sam Cutler Sam Cutler drives around in a van–which he may or may not live in–yelling at traffic and telling stories. (Sam Cutler will be sub-titled, as he’s almost incomprehensible.)

Al Franken Brooks No Shit About His Althea Choice Each week, a new Deadhead enters Senator Franken’s office and makes a case for an Althea that is not the Althea from 5/8/81; Senator Franken refuses to listen to their argument and has the Capitol Police throw them out of the building. Then, he draws America freehand.

4.

Frankenstein is about hubris. It’s Greek, and Greek stories were about hubris. Greek plays had dick jokes and sword fights, but the stories were about hubris. The gods have always reserved certain rights for themselves, and when poly became mono, Yahweh continued the practice. Vengeance is mine saith the Lord. Shoplifters will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, or maybe chained to a rock and eaten by an eagle.

But that’s the book. Movie’s different, because while the themes and philosophies in the novel are lasting and fascinating, the plot is dippy and turgid–too much chitty-chat and not enough pitchfork-wielding townsfolk–and it’s got the wrong ending, by which I mean the right ending: monster lives, doctor dies. Hollywood has never given a shit about whether an ending was wrong or right, just as long as it was happy, and so the doctor ends the film toasting his pregnant wife, and poor old Boris burns to death in a fake castle. Even more than the original novel, the movie should have been called Prometheus Unbound. Hubris goes unpunished, and man is free to do whatever he wants.

And with this freedom, he makes monsters.

5.

Alternate title for the film: Four Hours of Garcia Smoking.

6.

There is an almost-complete lack of hippy-dippitude to the presentation that I find refreshing, welcome, and pleasing. Don’t get me wrong: Mickey’s still yammering about magic, and Bobby spends the entire film in either the lotus position or a Tesla; I mean the aesthetic choices of the visuals. The film’s split into chapters, and the font looks like this:

Amir Bar-Lev could have easily gone with that scribbly poster shit where you can barely read the words; he did not. Good work, Amir Bar-Lev.

Why do you insist on using the man’s full name?

It’s a good name. “Amir Bar-Lev” sounds like a minor Egyptian deity.

The god of laundry baskets.

Something like that.

7.

John Perry Barlow is an old man, so it is not fair when he stands over the grave of his friend, who was a young man, but it doesn’t make it less true. I saw it on my teevee, so it must be true.

8.

There’s at least a dozen bits of footage in here that are jaw-dropping: Garcia in pigtails wandering around Egypt (in color), and the Acid Tests (also in color), and Keith chopping out lines on a dinner plate while Mrs. Donna Jean drinks angrily at him, and the entire band being subtly terrorized by a Hells Angel in some random dressing room.

9.

But, you know: they let the Hells Angel in, so it’s tough to muster up too much sympathy, and good for the film in letting JPB call out Garcia’s bullshit re: the Angels. Militantly passive-aggressive to the end, Garcia floats some bullshit about “the good needing the evil to exist,” to which JPB quite reasonably points out that, while good might require evil, good doesn’t have to give evil a backstage pass.

10.

I won’t spoil it, but the person you would least expect to be in the film gets the biggest laugh.

11.

Doctor Frankenstein knew what he was doing. He didn’t have to make the monster so big; he didn’t have to make him so strong. He could have walked away.

12.

Englishtown isn’t mentioned, nor Cornell. Bill Graham is seen in passing, but not discussed. You do not hear the names Winterland, or Fillmore, or Woodstock. Tom Constanten is not in the film, and neither is Vince or Bruce Hornsby, but TC casts a shadow.

“The Grateful Dead is Jerry Garcia’s backup band,” the abstemious keyboardist once said, and according to Long Strange Trip, he was right. I saw it on my teevee, so it must be true.

13.

Fuck gatecrashers and bumrushers. Bill Graham was right: dig a moat, fill it with gasoline, and burn baby burn. After two or three minutes of entitled behavior from smirking Deadheads, there’s a shot of a cop punching a kid in the jaw and you almost root for the cop.

You need to stop reading books about Nixon.

These smelly children cannot just decide which laws to follow and which to disregard.

Quit it.

The Silent Majority is on my side.

Please concentrate.

The Dead!

Riiiiight.

I forget this blog is about the Dead sometimes.

It’s in the title, champ.

Might be about Joyce’s lesser work.

The Dead was not Joyce’s lesser work. You’re just saying that because you understood it when you read it, as opposed to everything else the man ever drunkenly dictated.

Can you concentrate, please?

Just write “14.”

Fine.

14.

The movie’s about Garcia, but he’s not the hero.

15.

Long Strange Trip is not a comedy, obviously, but there are some deeply funny moments which I won’t ruin but just congratulate Amir Bar-Lev on the best hard cut I’ve seen in a while. Parish is on one side of it, Sam Cutler the other. Trust me.

That laugh is a universal one, but there are also Enthusiast-specific giggles. For example, Bobby has not quite mastered seatbelts yet. Again: trust me.

16.

Not to toot my own tooter, but I write Pigpen well. At one point in the Acid Test footage, you can hear him yell at the soundman, “Skip all that babblin’ and give us our power!” and I thought maybe I had written that line.

17.

Kerouac gets mentioned multiple times. On The Road. (You were expecting Phil to start waxing critical about The Town and the City?) The rolls of typing paper, taped into an infinite scroll, bennies and coffee and three weeks of sweat and double-blinking eyes and WHAMMO a masterpiece. Garcia mentioned this as an influence.

And Jack really did that, honest, sat there and birthed On The Road in less than a month, but only after writing at least eight drafts of the novel over the course of the previous decade.

Spontaneity is much easier when you practice it.

18.

At a certain point, neutrality becomes cowardice.

19.

Go see the damn movie.

20.

There is a shot at the end. Garcia has died and Bobby, present-day Bobby, drives through the mist: it is nighttime and foggy and the cabin is illuminated by a massive touchscreen glowing expensive blue; the car has been named after a mad scientist and conditions on the ground make it impossible to see whether there are dangers ahead. An old man, alive, with young friends, dead, and that does not seem fair, but I saw it on my teevee so it must be true.

The fog is so thick that anything could be right around the corner.

VIP Coming Through, Step Aside

Let this be a lesson to the Younger Enthusiasts: whining works.

Fun future fact of the day: Hollywood doesn’t do screeners anymore, apparently. You send out a DVD, and the sucker’s getting bootlegged and ripped and stolen; what they do now are private websites with passwords that only work for a set time, plus–as you can see–a big ol’ personalized watermark right in the middle of the picture.

Creepy future fact of the day: I had trouble getting the movie to run–it turns out I was using the wrong browser–and I sent an email to the support team. They quickly sent back a note that made it very clear they could see what was going on in my computer.

Wait. Am I watching Long Strange Trip, or is Long Strange Trip watching me? Maaaaaan?

Another Open Letter To Amir Bar-Lev

Dear Amir Bar-Lev,

Hi. How are you? I am fine, except for my body, which hurts. Are you a fan of Harry Styles? That young man is just everywhere. Justin Timberlake, watch your back! Maybe your next film could be about his hair.

I write for several reasons, Amir Bar-Lev. I am happy that Long Strange Trip, the long-awaited documentary about the Dead, is coming out and even being shown in theaters across the country for one night. I can’t recall any other Amazon-produced features getting a theatrical release, and certainly no four-hour documentaries about semi-defunct choogly-type bands, so congratulations are in order. On a related note, I am glad you are no longer being driven slowly insane by the never-ending production of the film. Making movies about the Grateful Dead has been known to bring about madness and a permanent wobble, but you seem to have avoided this curse. Good job.

Sadly, I cannot be as sanguine when it comes to the press strategy you’ve chosen. Yes, I’ve seen reviews–uproariously positive ones, at that–in glossy magazines and websites with fancy layouts; impressive people with impressive Twitter bios have been impressed; David Lemieuxnovermiami has been dispatched to the CBC bearing Stealie-emblazoned toques. These are all smart moves.

And yet I have not been wooed.

Thoughts on the Dead is a thought-leader, Amir Bar-Lev. An influencer. And, I’ll add, a popular one: this is the #1 most-visited Grateful Dead-related site on the internet. (Honest. I could show you my stats page, but I’m under IRS audit. Just trust me on this: #1.) One word from me makes or breaks your movie, buddy. I don’t mean to toot my own horn here, but HONK HONK, motherfucker.

Please don’t call Amir Bar-Lev a motherfucker.

How many times have I asked you not to interrupt the open letters?

Many. Stop being impolite.

Fine. I reiterate my position: my opinion is important and I’m entitled to special treatment. Also: Amir Bar-Lev, you cannot possibly conceive of the ball-lappingly effusive review I’ll give Long Strange Trip. On the website for the theatrical showing, you quote Kenneth Turan of The Los Angeles Times. “Fascinating,” he writes. Dude, “fascinating” is going to be the least positive word in my review. Shit, I’ll invent words just to praise you:

Long Strange Trip shines like a nebulation of frangeant gold.”

Not good enough? Try this shit:

“And once the movie ended I sat there, just sat, and felt a pressure on my shoulder: a small female jay, not as plumed as the males, she leaned into my ear. ‘Remember that you are loved.’ She flew off, and I tried not to think of her words as a warning. Go see Long Strange Trip.”

See? I’m awesome at this.

Send me a screener, Amir Bar-Lev. All the theaters that the film’s playing at on the 25th are too far away from me. Send me a screener. Is there a computer person in the office? Tell the computer person to put the movie on a disc. Then tell the intern to mail it to me. On the way to the post office, have the intern buy some of those gummy bears with weed in them and put them in the package. This is not so much to ask. Send me a screener and drug candy. Don’t make me issue unenforceable, half-assed threats, because I will! Send me a screener and some drug candy and also maybe put some cash in the package as a bribe. I will absolutely take a bribe. Now that I think about it: if you’d like to write the review yourself, you could do that. Just slip it in the package with the screener and the drug candy and the cash.

Let’s sum up: Long Strange Trip is going to be in theaters for one night, and you’re going to send me a screener you’re going to send me a screener you’re going to send me a screener–

Stop trying to hypnotize Amir Bar-Lev.

OUT!

Ah, blow me.

I look forward to your response, and also the drug candy.

Love and Other Indoor Sports,
Thoughts on the Dead

Ain’t Got Time For Rolling Stone’s Critic, No

Rolling Stone has the first review of Long Strange Trip: Electric Choogaloo (plus a report on the Boy’s performance at their party) and it’s a complete blowjob; the writer’s name is David Fear, which is clearly made up, and he loved it. Go read the thing.

TotD is disappointed, however, to note that there are several inaccuracies in the article that I would now like to correct:

  • The Grateful Dead did not form in Cleveland in 1991.
  • Bobby is still alive.
  • Garcia is dead.
  • The author’s implication that Keith was D.B. Cooper is belied by a quick glance at the Dead’s touring schedule. (Wait, no: he totally could have done it. D.B. Cooper hijacked a plane flying from Seattle to Portland on 11/24/71; the Dead played Los Angeles on the 20th and didn’t have another show until December 1st in Boston. Keith is almost certainly D.B. Cooper. I apologize for my error.)
  • No one in the organization has even been to the world-famous Texas water Park Schlitterbahn, let alone started a riot in the lazy river.
  • The Wall of Sound did not gain sentience and iterate into a semi-fictional universe where it now serves as the sound system for a magical movie theater.
  • Woody Harrelson was introduced to Bobby through Snake Tee-Shirt.
  • The Grateful Dead did not fire Michael Anthony and make Trixie play bass.
  • The internationally-recognized capital of Israel is Tel Aviv, not Mt. Tamalpais.
  • The documentary’s director, Amir Bar-Lev, has not “lost his mind” and “been confined to an insane asylum;” he is “exhausted” and will be voluntarily spending time in “an insane asylum.”
  • The author correctly notes that the film is four hours long, but I am quite positive that two of those hours are not the 80’s comedy Teen Wolf.
  • Phil never owned a turkey farm.
  • John Popper does not play the harp: he plays many harmonicas, whether you’d like him to or not.
  • Mickey holds no patents whatsoever, let alone several dozen in spectrophotometry.
  • The Grateful Dead never played Burkina Faso.
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