CELL PHONE NOISE
“Oh, c’moooooon. One night of sleep. Just one. Ugh. Hello?”
“Miss Haberman, this is Senate Leader McConnell. Everything I say is off the record, including the little bit I said before I declared this conversation off the record. I may or may not give you a quote you will attribute to an “aide close to the Leader.” Do we understand each other?”
“Finally! A professional.”
“Yes or no, ma’am?”
“Yes. Absolutely. Off the record.”
“Oh, good. I can let my hair down.”
…
“That was a joke. I’ve never let my hair down in my life, even when I had hair.”
“Oh. Ha.”
“What’s going on in the White House?”
“I was about to ask you the same thing.”
“Haven’t talked to them in weeks. Last time I spoke to the president, we screamed at each other. He called me a “Jew bastard,” which is incorrect in just every way.”
“What was the fight about, Senator?”
“I’ll give you three guesses, and the first two better be Russia.”
“Ah.”
“Starts ranting that I’m not doing enough to protect him from the witch hunt. Then he talks about Tiger Woods’ hacked photos. Black cock this, black cock that. Excuse my language, Miss Haberman.”
“No worries, sir.”
“I mean, you expect that sort of thing from Lindsey Graham, but it’s downright unsettling coming from the president. Then he complimented me on my wife’s ass.”
“Not okay.”
“He called it a ‘heinie.’ I was unsettled my that remark.”
“You seem to be unsettled a lot by President Trump.”
“Man doesn’t let anyone settle. He’s just orange chaos.”
“True.”
“I pushed back, of course.”
“About the ass or Russia?”
“Both. Told him he was a goddamned idiot who didn’t realize what a friend I’ve been to him. Half the caucus is already calling for his enormous head and the shitbrained toad is trying to primary Senators from his own damn party. I’ve seen monkeys fuck footballs with more grace.”
“How did he respond to that?”
“He accused me of being antifa.”
“That makes no sense.”
“It does not. Then he told me I ruined his mac and cheese.”
“Oh.”
“I infer he was eating when he decided to call me and talk about my wife’s ass. I could also hear mastication.”
“Ew.”
“The president chews wetly.”
“Double ew.”
“Then he starts yelling about how he wants another Supreme Court pick. I thought he was kidding, or wishing, or just high off those little pills he doesn’t think anyone knows about. Dumb sonofabitch has no idea how the government works. You understand what I’m saying, Miss Haberman?”
“I think so.”
“Not that he doesn’t get the nuances of governing, or the game of politics. I mean grade school civics. Not even the advanced stuff. Basics. Checks and balances, how a bill becomes a law, that kind of thing.
“I understood you.”
“I got some eyes in that building that tell me he’s still getting lost. Been there six months.”
“The White House is a big building, Senator.”
“I’m talking about the residence. Wanders around in there at five in the morning looking for the bathroom, and when he can’t find it he pisses in the hallway like a fat leopard. Something wrong with that man.”
“I agree.”
“That ‘both sides’ nonsense. Nazis aren’t fine people. The Republicans aren’t the party of Nazis, we’re the party of respectable racism.”
“Respectable racism, Senator?”
“You know, quietly. Behind the scenes. Through legislation, the courts, that sort of thing. Insidious racism, not goose-stepping through town. And especially not shouting about the Jews. The Republican Party is not anti-Semitic.”
“Right.”
“We’re racist. Big difference.”
“Not that big.”
“In terms of fund-raising it is. The moron’s killing us. Quite frankly, I don’t see how sustainable this is.”
“What are you saying, sir?”
“Me? I’m not saying anything. A ‘top-ranking Republican briefed on the conversation’ said that last part.”
…
“Are you crying, Miss Haberman?”
“It’s just so nice to get a phone call from a professional.”
“Glad to be of service.”
“Senator?”
“Mm?”
“Why are you up at three in the morning?”
“Tying one on. Drunker than a Frenchman on laundry day.”
“God bless America, sir.”
“And New York City, too.”
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