Ah, fuck.

“Hi, I’m Hollywood’s Matt Damon from Boston.”

Everyone knows who you are.

“And, you know, not to be rude but: why haven’t you thanked me for not raping you?”

We’re just getting right into it, huh?

“I mean, I haven’t raped you even a tiny little bit.”

You’re not supposed to!

“There are hundreds, if not two hundreds, of men in Hollywood who haven’t raped anyone today. There’s probably two dozen guys who haven’t raped anyone ever. That’s like pitching a no-hitter! Where’s their hashtags? Why are we not concentrating on the good guys?”

You’re never gonna stop talking no matter how many people tell you to shut up, are you?

“My voice is important. I feel like the views of rich, straight, white men aren’t being heard.”

They are.

“Here’s my problem with this whole #METOO movement: it’s that women are conflating sexual assault with minor sexual assault, and that’s not right. It’s like you’re taking everyone who stole a little money and putting them in the same room as murderers.”

We do that already. The room is called jail.

“You’re not understanding me. It’s like placing shoplifting and arson in the same category.”

They are in the same category. Crime. Immorality. Hurtful behavior. That which a cadet will not tolerate. However you want to say it.

“Ugh. You’re not getting it. I’m talking about the way people I know treat women. I’ve never see any of my friends hold a strange woman down and rape them. That would be bad, and they’re good people, so therefore the things they do and say to women must be good.”

You are awful at syllogisms.

“My Oscar says different.”

You’re also terrible at arguments.

“Look, I don’t know what to say here–”

You’ve never let that stop you from talking before.

“–but I think we’re setting a dangerous precedent.”

How so?

“Well, we’re just not gonna listen to rich, straight, white men at all?”

You need to leave and never come back.

“I also have some thoughts about race.”

Get out!