What is wrong with you, Matt Gaetz?

“I love America too much. Oh, wait: that’s what’s RIGHT with me. High five!”

No. You actually sent this tweet out the night before Michael Cohen’s testimony before Congress?

“Fuck, yeah. And you know why?”

Because you’re an oleaginous fool?

“Because I’m not a cuck!”

Wow, you really say that?

“I support the President. I love the President. We’re trying to make America great again after the black guy ruined it. Just President Trump and me. He calls me during Hannity sometimes. I mean: during Hannity! That’s an honor.”

Impressive.

“I call our talks ‘teevee dates’ but I don’t tell President Trump that. He’s a man’s man.”

So was Frankenstein.

“And when I see snakes and rats assemble to lie and fake news about President Trump, it just makes me so mad. Especially if I’ve been drinking.”

Have you been drinking?

“I have always been drinking.”

Sure.

“The President has the coolest nickname for me. He calls me ‘Mark.'”

Are you sure that’s a nickname and not that he doesn’t know you’re called ‘Matt?’

“No. Nickname.”

Okay. Let’s get back to the tweet. This is totally witness tampering.

“Dude, no. It’s witness teasing.”

That’s not a thing.

“Absolutely. Just some ball-busting between guys, even though one of the guys is a rat and a snake who should die in the gutter like a dog and who, maybe, ought to check the fire extinguishers in his house if he goes through with tomorrow’s testimony.”

Excuse me?

“He lives in a building that’s incredibly susceptible to electrical fires, or fires that seem like electrical fires. Him and his family live there.”

I know you’re not threatening a federal witness with arson.

“NO! Not threatening. Hoping. Hoping and praying that this man, who should be beaten to death in front of his children, doesn’t get beaten to death in front of his children. I hope that does not happen.”

Jesus, man.

“I am a caring person! That’s why I worry about Michael Cohen, say, having some polonium rubbed on him if he testifies. Maybe there’s a little bit in his water. I don’t know, I’m just spitballing here.”

Every lawyer in the country thinks you’ve committed a felony.

“Most likely they’re all being paid by George Soros.”

What state are you a Congressman from again?

“Florida.”

Ah.