I thought everyone was exaggerating.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: metallica
- Okay, so, to recap: Freddie’s dead, Rock and Roll marches on, and the sun is setting on Wembley Stadium.
- Bunch of groups came out and played, but now it’s What’s Left Of Queen as the house band backing up singers.
- (There are also a shitload of backing musicians and an entire choir, but that’s neither here nor there.)
- Hey, it’s Tony Iommi!
- Someone warn Lita Ford.
- And now Roger Daltrey is doing his mic-swinging nonsense.
- These men were impossibly old when I watched this in 1992.
- They’re all around my age.
- Everyone’s still got their hair and waistlines.
- Lefties shouldn’t be allowed to play guitar; it looks odd and confuses me.
- Those nuns who used to violently coerce the naturally left-handed into being righties knew what they were doing.
- Well, that was harmless.
- Bye, Rog.
- What the fuck is this?
- Zucchero?
- What the Zucc is this?
- Get this sweaty greaseball off my stage.
- And they’re playing Las Palabras De Amor, too, which is a dreadful song.
- Seriously, who is this?
- …
- Ah, shit, he’s Italian.
- I retract the “greaseball” comment.
- But, c’mon, look at this fat bastard.
- You could cook a chicken in his leavings.
- He’s sold 60 million records?
- Jesus, the world has terrible taste in music.
- Fuck off, Zucc.
- Dammit, Gary Cherone’s back.
- Ooh, Hammer To Fall.
- Or, as Freddie used to announce it, “HAMMADAFAAAAW!”
- Gary’s still wearing his saddle shoes and he simply will not stop shimmying.
- And Tony Iommi’s still up there looking miserable and poorly-coiffed.
- Tony Iommi has never had a good haircut.
- Not once.
- Oh, no, Gary Cherone.
- He is doing the Rock Move where he stands right next to Brian and shares the mic with him.
- Get the fuck away from Brian May, Gary Cherone.
- Go bother Eddie Van Halen.
- AND STOP SHIMMYING, GODDAMMIT.
- Look at this shit, man:
- Did you see that shit, man?
- Not right.
- On my list: left-handed guitarists and that motherfucker.
- Stone Cold Crazy time.
- SleepingverysoundlyonaSaturdaymorningIwasdreamingIwasAlCapone…
- Hetfield’s singing.
- Without a guitar.
- He looks lost and scared.
- Like a turtle without his shell.
- And he’s just kinda pacing back and forth and has no idea what to do with his arms.
- It’s adorable.
- Oh, now he’s air-guitaring.
- And it’s not adorable any more.
- He does have a vest on.
- No word whether or not he stole it from Def Leppard’s drummer.
- PERCY!
- Hey, fucker!
- I wrote about you a few weeks ago.
- You didn’t come off well.
- He’s wearing some sort of tunic/scarf combo.
- I can’t tell if the scarf is part of the tunic or they are separate components.
- Rock Stars and their complicated clothing.
- At the show, Percy did Innuendo with the band, but it sucked and they cut it for the video release; he gets to do Crazy Little Thing.
- He’s doing his usual bullshit.
- Imagine Robert Plant singing Crazy Little Thing Called Love.
- There you go.
- That’s how it sounds.
- There are no surprises here.
- The three live Queens started planning this show the night Freddie died, and I don’t say that to accuse them of buzzardism or anything.
- It is absofuckinglutely what Freddie would have wanted.
- I’m surprised he didn’t organize it himself.
- Jesus, Brian’s singing a ballad while accompanying himself on the piano.
- Not like this.
- NOT LIKE THIS.
- Dire.
- Fuckin’ dire.
- Guess what the song’s called.
- Guess.
- You won’t get it even if you’re the biggest Queen fan.
- …
- Brian is singing, in honor of a man who just died of AIDS, a song entitled Too Much Love Will Kill You.
- I’m gonna call Brian “Nostrils” because he is on the nose.
- Perhaps we see here the genesis of the “evil, evil homosex” theme of Bohemian Rhapsody.
- I’m still pissed off about that fucking movie, by the way.
- Yes, Brian.
- Too much love will kill you in the end.
- Why don’t you just say “Buttsex murdered my friend?”
- Everyone is going to the Problem Attic.
- Paul Young?
- Who?
- Guy’s got four notes in his range.
- And he looks like a half-melted George Michael.
- I’m bored.
- Fuck you, Paul Young.
- Jesus, even your name is boring.
- They wasted Radio Gaga on this guy?
- Lady Gaga should have sang Radio Gaga.
- I know she was eight, but she’s just that talented.
- There is no way Paul Young didn’t buy his trousers at Chess King.
- I had a pair of those pants.
- Ugh, pleats.
- Take this lump off my teevee, please.
- Lefties, Gary Cherone, and Paul Young: all getting it in the ear.
- Someone still loves you.
- Not you, Paul Young.
- No one loves you.
- I almost fast-forwarded through you.
- Brian introduces the back-up singing ladies.
- They do not get last names.
- Oh, Lord, it’s Seal.
- The dream of the 90’s is alive at the Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert.
- I’ll give this to Western Civilization: we were the only ones to invent the Tribute Concert.
- Ming Dynasty just did vases.
- Not one show-ending super-jam.
- Just vases.
- Anyway, Seal is wearing enormous spectacles.
- The size of those fuckers!
- Most people wouldn’t have the balls to wear glasses that massive.
- Or the neck strength.
- Seal might be imbuing Who Wants To Live Forever, which keen-eyed Enthusiasts will spot as originating on the Highlander soundtrack, with a bit more sincerity than the song deserves.
- It’s not a metaphor.
- It’s literally about living forever via chopping off the heads of other Immortals.
- Camp it up a bit, Scarface.
- He is the only black guy at the whole show, though.
- And now Lisa Stansfield is here to sing I Want To Break Free.
- Remember Lisa Stansfield?
- She’s back.
- In Pog form.
- Were this concert held today, the part of Lisa Stansfield would be played by Jessie J.
- Or perhaps one of the members of Little Mix.
- I love this fucking song so much.
- I would lend this song money for a bus ticket out of town to escape an abusive relationship.
- All right, that’s enough Lisa Stansfield for the next twenty years.
- BOWIE.
- And Annie Lennox as Raccoon Dracula.
- Told you.
- Here, watch it:
- Did you watch it?
- I told you to watch it.
- Why don’t you listen?
- Lefties, Gary, Paul Young, and you.
- List is growing, man.
- Oh.
- I just remembered that Bowie is dead and now I’m sad.
- Maybe if we all clap, he’ll come back to us.
- Clap, children!
- Clap for TinkerBowie!
- …
- Did it work?
- No?
- Well, try harder.
- Hey, it’s Mott the Hoople!
- Ronson and Hunter!
- Yay!
- All The Young Dudes!
- Yay!
- What the fuck does any of this have to do with Freddie?
- And, Jesus Christ, who told David Bowie he was allowed to bring his saxophone?
- Jeff Leppard on backing vocals, doing the traditional hand-to-ear pose.
- Heroes?
- They’re doing Heroes now?
- The big Queen hit song Heroes?
- This would piss Freddie off.
- “It’s my tribute concert, darling. If he wants to play his songs, then let him fucking well die.”
- Credit where it’s due: Queen is hell of a backing band.
- Try clapping again for Bowie.
- Just try.
- Oh, David.
- He’s dropped to his knees and he’s saying the Lord’s Prayer.
- Not inclusive, Dave.
- Get up.
- Stop this.
- You’re embarrassing your hair, David Bowie.
- Leave God out of this.
- Yay, George Michael!
- Ah, for fuck’s sake, he’s dead, too.
- What the shit, God?
- You’re back in this now.
- I know I said to leave You out of it, but You’re kind of a prick, huh?
- Paul Young is still touring.
- But you took Bowie and George Michael.
- Douchebag.
- It’s the Acoustic Mini-Set!
- The world turns, but always returns to its origin.
- Nothing changes; everything lasts.
- And back out comes Lisa Stansfield, whom I thought I was rid of, to duet with George on These Are The Days Of Our Lives.
- Woman’s got a pair of legs on her.
- Ankles, shins, calves, knees, thighs.
- Two of each!
- Legs, man.
- Backstory while they’re dirging this away: all 72,000 seats were sold before any guests were announced.
- People just figured that some impressive fuckers, and Paul Young, would show up.
- SOMEBODY TO LOVE.
- George fucking kills this.
- I’m just gonna shut the fuck up and watch.
- Join me:
- Right?
- If that don’t give you goosebumps, then you done lost your goose.
- Climax of the show right there.
- BUT NO!
- THE KING OF HOMOSEXUALS APPEARS!
- It’s Sir Elton, everybody!
- Singing Bohemian Rhapsody an octave too low, and wearing a fetching pair of leather slacks, a fringed cowboy jacket, and what I believe is his Sunday-go-to-meeting hairpiece.
- “Hi, my name’s Frank. I love line dancing, traveling, and I didn’t kill my first wife. Don’t listen to the cops; they’re liars. Can I buy you a Singapore Sling?”
- It’s the tape section!
- Queen never played the opera part of BoRhap live: they left the stage and let the tape play while the light rig flashed.
- And then they blew some shit up and played the loud part.
- Everyone was happy with the arrangement.
- AXL!
- IN A FUCKING LEATHER KILT!
- LOOK HOW AXL HE IS!
- THAT IS THE MOST AXL THAT AXL COULD BE!
- I’ll stop yelling.
- Axl is so cool, man.
- People were mad that he was invited to participate in this show.
- Partially because Axl, while now woke, used to be an enormous shitbag homophobe.
- 50-year-old Axl hates Trump, but the one in the picture?
- That fucker would’ve had on a MAGA hat, I guarantee it.
- People change, even if they’re Axl Rose.
- Look how worn out the Rock has made Axl:
- It’s like he’s been through a trauma.
- Look how proud Elton is, though.
- “Good for you, William. You didn’t start one single riot! I knew you had it in you.”
- (Can’t you totally see Elton John calling Axl “William?”)
- Now Elton’s doing The Show Must Go On, which is a brilliant song, but they’ve shifted it down a few keys so he could hit the notes and energy is lost.
- Ugh, and Tony Iommi’s back.
- Kiss my dick, Tony Iommi.
- How do you beat up Lita Ford?
- She was a fucking Runaway!
- I mean, you shouldn’t hit any women.
- But especially not one who was in the Runaways.
- Those chicks dealt with enough bullshit already.
- BOOM BOOM THWACK!
- BOOM BOOM THWACK!
- Holy shit, Axl’s back and he’s changed outfits again.
- I couldn’t love him more.
- White leather jacket, white spandex bike shorts, black Doc Martens.
- And the bandana, of course.
- Axl does not skip leg day.
- He’s doing his little kick-y dance and just being as Axl as possible.
- How Axl is Axl?
- He is that Axl.
- (I don’t know what to call that Rock Move. Is it a vertical Worm? I want to call it the Shazbot, but I have no reason why. “Shazbot” just popped into my head.)
- And now here’s Liza Minelli.
- The crowd did not know what to do with the information that Liza was coming out.
- The English were confused.
- Fuck ’em: Liza was brilliant.
- And she is LIZA with a Z.
- Big ol’ show biz smile plastered on her pixie cut, over-emoting the shit out of We Are The Champions, pilled-up: LIZA.
- The only way Liza could have been more Liza during this performance is if she had entered into a disastrous marriage halfway through the second verse.
- If you don’t wanna watch:
- Yup, that’s Jeff Leppard.
- Liza is vamping over the outro and it’s glorious.
- Okay, folks.
- That’s all there is.
- Don’t get AIDS.
- Otherwise, Paul Young will show up.
He can’t be in the band. The rhythm’s wobbly enough as it is.
“Who? Phil Collins?”
That’s not Phil Collins, Bobby.
“Tiny, cranky, plays the drums. Sounds like Phil Collins to me.”
No. That’s Lars Ulrich from Metallica.
“Ah. One of those Heavy Mental bands.”
The big one. Pretty much the Dead of Metal.
“How so?”
Only made two good albums, but they’ve been around forever. Made most of their money from merch. Their new bass player is ethnic.
“That does sound like us.”
Bobby, I gotta say that your wife–
“Natasha Monster.”
–looks spectacular. What’s her secret?
“She’s 30 years younger than me.”
That’ll do it.
Never get old. Unless you’re Billy Joe Armstrong, honestly: he’s getting old pretty well. But if you are anyone else, especially James Hetfield? Do not get old.
This has been a reminder.
“Simmer down, Mick.”
“No! I’m gonna fuck this cheesy Danish up!”
“Nice one.”
OR
Billy has completed his transformation into Richard Harris as Marcus Aurelius.
OR
“Shit, Larry, I’m impressed.”
“Lars.”
“It takes two of us to fuck up the time as well as you do all by yourself.”
OR
“Pull my finger.”
“I’m not pulling your fing–”
“I’ll do it, Mick!”
PFFFFFFT
“Windy one.”
“I had Bok Choy for dinner.”
OR
“You owe me money, fucker.”
“I’ve never borrowed money from you, Mickey.”
“I know. I didn’t say that. I bought Lulu. You owe me money.”
OR
“Hey, remember that movie you guys made where the only guy who wasn’t a complete asshole wasn’t in the band anymore?”
Yes, of course this is a worthwhile cause, and obviously it’s admirable of Dead & Company to do it–Oteil even canceled a show in New York with his band for this gig–and no one would argue that everyone’s heart isn’t in the right place.
That said, how the unbelievable fuck is Rancid’s name as big as D&C’s? And, yes, I know that their names take up the same amount of space and Rancid has fewer letters in their name so it just appears bigger, but this isn’t about facts: it’s show biz. Or principle. Either one, whichever you like better.
Second question: what is a “G-Eazy” and how does it possibly get the same billing as Metallica? I will now break my sacred vow of Without Research to pin down the identity of this so-called “G,” who flounces about with such “eaze.”
…
Oh, God, it’s a white rapper. And–what the fucking fuck–his first album came out in 2014 and didn’t even go gold.
This cannot stand. I object on behalf of the Grateful Dead community, and also the community of people who liked the first three Metallica records. I object in the name of Dave Matthews’ cargo shorts. This here is some LiveNation bullshit and none of you should take it lying down.
Thanks, Obama.
Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?
“Lunch.”
One of the three best meals of the day.
“Can’t knock it. Not as heavy as dinner. Plus there’s, you know, no food restrictions. Breakfast has all these rules.”
What if you want a nice piece of fish?
“That’s what I’m saying. Maybe I want pasta first thing in the morning. Shouldn’t get guff for it.”
Pasta for breakfast is not a good idea, though.
“It was just an example.”
You know who that is at the other table, right?
“The white guy?”
They’re all white guys, Bobby.
“No.”
Jason Newsted.
“Good for him.”
From Metallica.
“Oh, yeah. Okay. Metallica. They play that heavy mental music. ‘DADADADADA grrrrr Satan Satan Satan.’ That kind of stuff, right?”
That’s about it, yeah.
“Huh. They still together? Touring?”
Metallica is still together and touring, yes, but Jason is not in the band.
“I don’t understand.”
He quit.
…
“Well, I don’t know about that. Huh. No, I don’t know about that. You don’t quit your band. I’m still in every band I’ve ever joined. No, no, I just don’t know about that at all. I got fired and didn’t even leave my band. You stay in your band, man.”
I’m with you on that one.
“Why’d he quit?”
Wanted to do solo stuff, I guess.
“So you hire Billy Cobham, call up your buddy with the harmonica, have a Star Trek actor write some lyrics, and book some studio time. You don’t have to leave the band.”
There were also personal issues.
“Billy tried to murder every member of the band except Garcia on multiple occasions. You don’t leave the band.”
Sure, but–
“You don’t leave the band.”
…
“No, fuck this. I’m 86’ing him.”
I support your decision.
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